Space for Space?
Well... I'm not sure why I'm making this but I guess I decided to make a place where I can express how I feel. Or I guess just to write out all the chaos that's inside my head. Or just completely random things that have nothing at all to do with anything. 🙃
Since Ive never had a place where I've felt safe to express myself I guess this will my little corner of internet where I do feel safe. (Maybe)
I honestly don't mind replies, just be nice... Please (:
Hey, you know what. I know things will get better for you soon enough.
This phase is going to end.
You will slowly be pulled out of this sadness.
🫂
@orangeFootball8208
thanks, I really hope so.
Hey, you know what. I know things will get better for you soon enough.
This phase is going to end.
You will slowly be pulled out of this sadness.
🫂
It's okay to write about random things 🫂 wherever you find an outlet.. just do that. I know it's hard to live a life like that where no one pays attention to what you've got to say...
But I care. And I'll do my best to be nice to you. Please forgive me for what I've done with you... I know I always talked about myself. And my things. I never really tried to understand you for who you were. But I'm trying my best. I know you're a kind person...and you will forgive me eventually... But I really care😞 it's not like I haven't cared about you at all. Whatever I did...I did according to how I knew things ...but I know that you're hurt. And you are terribly hurt. But I promise you that I'll do my best to understand you more...I will give my all just to give you back that smile you have long lost...
Im just so done. I cant anymore. I cant deal with family anymore. Im going insane having to deal with them. My mom yelled at me last night over something stupid. What I don't understand tho is how its okay for her to yell at me but when I snap at her its somehow not okay for me? And I don't get mad very easily, it takes a lot for me to get upset. It's very rare nowadays for me to yell at someone over something. But last night I was already tired and just wanted to go to sleep and not have to deal with her bs. I don't even remember what I said, all I remember her saying was for me to watch my attitude. My mom has always seemed to take out her feelings on me. Every single time. And what kills me is to see that shes doing the same thing to my sister. Almost everyday shes home with us I can hear her yelling at my sister over school work. I've grown to absolutely hate asking her for help with my school work bc she always yells at me. every. single. time. And if she hasn't already my sister is going to learn that too. Then my mom wonders why I don't ask her for help with anything. She wonders why I don't talk to her about things. It's pathetic to think that she expects me to ask her for help, talk to her Abt things, But how can I do that when this is the way I'm treated. My mom always takes out her problems on me or my sister. And my dad doesent really care, he's just too blinded to notice what's really going on. He doesent see how she treats us bc she only seems to do it when my dads at work. From what I can remember my mom would only ever yell at us, guilt trip us, etc when he was at work. As bad as this sounds I enjoyed it more when my mom is at work. It feels like a weight taken off my chest even if its only for a while.
I cant live with them anymore. I just cant. I'm just so over dealing with them. My mom is the reason is started sh to begin with. My dad is reason why I hide away from everyone, why I hide who I truly am, why I don't feel safe to be myself here. I cant do this for another 2 years. 2 years until I graduate and can finally just be free from them. I keep thinking if I want to cut contact with them when I move out. idk if I want to. ik they've hurt me, hurt me so so bad, but at the end of the day they're still my parents. nothing I do or say will ever change that. I still care about them, there's still a part of me that cares. No matter how hard I try I cant get myself to not care about them.
This may be kind of random but ever since I was young have always been terrified of becoming my mom. I never wanted to be the person who treated others the way she treated me. I was scared that if I ever had kids of my own someday that I would treat them the same way. Proably wont, but that's bc of other reasons. I think there's a part of me tho that sees that I'm not her. I may look like her, and we may share the same DNA, but I'm not her. And maybe slowly i'm starting to realize that.
I hate myself, I hate myself so much. Why can't I just be normal. Why do I have to be this way. I'm nothing but a burden to everyone, no one wants me here. No one cares. What's the point. God, why can't my life just make sense. Why is everything so confusing. I don't belong. I don't belong. I don't belong. I'd rather just hide away from everyone and everything. There's no point, life just sucks. This is all my fault. This whole stupid mess is my fault. I don't need help, I don't want help. Most ppl would honestly think I'm crazy if they knew about all the chaos that goes on inside my head. Most ppl just turn and shy away whenever I share even a little of it so it doesn't matter. I can do this myself. Honestly tho I'm just alone. Crisis lines can basically call the police on you (which I've had happen) if they think your in danger. So I hate talking with crisis lines. I have no friends I can talk to, no one I trust. If I went to therapy they would probably call police bc of the same reason. I'm always in danger of hurting myself, so what does it matter. There's nothing anyone can do for me. Probably belong in a mental hospital tbh.
Ended up sh today. It's the only thing that helps me anymore. I'm not proud of it but what else am I supposed to do. Nothing else helps. Nothing. I hate looking at the scars on my wrist. I hate that I can count them. I hate being reminded of the stupid reasons of why I sh. I hate it. I hate everything.
@IzzyGamer Hey Izzy 💙 I wish I had some magic words to make things better for you. I try not to write here too much because I always felt that it has a way of making us self conscious about writing things. (Maybe that's just me)
It's exhausting and overwhelming carrying all the chaos alone. It makes sense to me that you're angry and confused and want to just hide away from it all, especially when it feels like there's no safe place to turn.
@mytwistedsoul
Thanks, it means a lot that your here. Even if you don't post here often I still see your upvotes. sorry, idrk what to say.. i'm just not really that great with words but I really do appreciate you being here. Makes me feel a little less alone.
Also ty for the link maybe Ill look into it.
@IzzyGamer Hey that's ok 💙 No words necessary. It takes me a little while to find the words too. You're welcome. There's no pressure to use the link but sometimes little things like that come in handy.... Just in case
Im here too! I love you <3
@jesusredeemedme2425
Thanks, I'm glad your here too.
///Trigger warning///
What if I just commit.. the thoughts are so strong today idk why. I feel like such a burden. I feel like people would rather be doing something else rather than being around me, or talking with me, or helping me with something. Last night I had a bit of a medical thing happen last night. I'm ok now but I told my mom and we ended up staying awake till 12am bc she was taking care of me. I felt like such a burden tho. Like ik she probably didn't sleep bc she was worried Abt me. And I felt like she would rather be anywhere else other than taking care of me. I was so scared to tell her too Abt it.. I seriously considered not saying anything Abt it and just toughing it out. Felt like I was just wasting everyone's time. I felt stupid for saying anything, it wasn't even really that bad.
Urges to sh are also really strong today too. I'm trying to distract myself but it's not working. My head just won't shut up. I want to just commit so badly. I'm just so lost. Idk why I'm still here. I should have done it months ago. I was supposed to do it before I turned 16. I wasn't supposed to make it this far. There's nothing left for me here. There's no point in me staying. No one wants me here.
Is this the end... Bc it feels like it is. I really want to do it. Idk if I can hold on anymore. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. But it's never enough. What if this is goodbye.
@IzzyGamer (sits with you) Sometimes the pain we feel lies about our future. It tells us in the moment that this is all there is and that it never gets better. It's often the pain we want to stop not life it's self but it seems like the only solution. It's hard work to get to a better spot, mentally and emotionally. Is your mother open to you getting therapy? (Unless you already have one) If you need a safe spot, please ask for help. There's no shame in it. Stay Izzy 💙
If you need reasons to stay, maybe you'll find something here - https://www.7cups.com/forum/gratitude/General_2448/TWReasonstoLive_388706/?post=4269763
@mytwistedsoul
Idk I don't have a great relationship with my mom. I don't trust her with my feelings bc of how she reacted in the past. I don't trust my dad either bc of the same reason. And idk if I really want to do therapy. I mean I've thought about it but idk. I'm not good when it comes to talking about this stuff irl. I just completely shut down or end up stumbling over my words.
@IzzyGamer I totally understand that. It was the same with my parents. Trust is important. With shutting down and stumbling over words, I think a lot of therapists understand that sort of thing. Some will let you email or they might ask you to write a daily journal for them. You write, they read. The weird thing is, that's often just as hard as talking, go figure.
@mytwistedsoul
It's just hard for me to trust people bc I've always been hurt every single time I've opened up to someone. I think that's a big reason why Im hesitant towards therapy. Idk I'll figure it out, I'll be fine.
@IzzyGamer I understand 💙 It is hard to trust when you're hurt every time. Or they use what you tell them against you. It can take a few trial and errors to find the right therapist. I've gone through 4 I think. Not that they were all bad, some we just don't click with.
Well... I'm still alive (sort of). Had another hard day, this morning was especially bad, but I'm doing a little better now. managed to somehow distract myself so I guess that's good. I've just spent the last 2 hours doing some astronomy reseach which has really helped I think. I don't want to trigger myself any more by talking about all my problems so instead I'm going to ramble for a while about what I learned. 🙃
I've been typing all my notes I had in my notebook into a document on my laptop just bc its more organized and also I have an idea of what I want to do with it as well. Anyways I've been doing some research on our Sun and I think its really interesting to learn about. Our Sun is classified as a G-type main sequence star (or a G2V yellow dwarf to be more specific). This basically means that our Sun has a medium medium surface temperature, fuses hydrogen in its core, and emits light that is white but looks yellow through earths atmosphere. Yes the sun is actually white not yellow. :0 Thought that was pretty cool as I didn't learn that till recently. What I also just learned a few days ago was that our Sun is considered a dwarf star. Even though our Sun is considered a "dwarf" it is still classified under the main sequence. Dwarf stars had originally got its name when a Danish astronomer named Ejnar Hertzsprung first noticed that the reddest stars he observed were either much brigther or much than the sun. He gave the name "giants" to the brighter stars and named the dimmer ones "dwarfs". In fact the sun is currently more similar in size in brightness to smaller, dimmer stars, called red dwarfs than to giant stars so the sun and its brethren also got called dwarf stars.
I also learned about how astronomers are able to recognize a G-type star, but maybe I'll ramble about that another day along with other things I've learned. This is just what I thought was the most interesting. (:
@IzzyGamer This is pretty interesting! I never knew any of this 😅 It's wild they call the sun a dwarf star when it seems so large. And there's stars that are brighter than the sun?!
@mytwistedsoul
Yes there are a lot of stars that are brighter than the sun. Polaris (the north star) is yellow-white supergiant that generates 1,260 to 2,500 times more light than our Sun. Sirius, vega, arcturus, capella, and rigel are all stars that are brighter than our Sun. I just named a few but there are way more stars that are brighter as well.
well... I took a break from cups for about a week. I'm back now, idk if I'll stay for long tho. might end up leaving again.. or maybe I'll just leave forever. Dont really know why I keep coming back here. yk I always feel kinda like relieved in a way whenever I take a break from cups. idk, idk what I'm doing anymore.
I've been so busy lately, I'm so tired. I need a break, I really do. School is seriously driving me crazy and I've been so busy with soccer. Having practice everday is draining, we had a game yesterday as well so I'm still so tired from that. Soccer just drains me mentally and physically. And don't get me wrong, I love doing it but its just so draining.
I haven't been dissociating as much but I'm still having issues with my memory. I still cant remember things. And I thought that maybe it was just bc I was dissociating so much but even when I'm not I still cant remember things. Everything is all just a blur. I don't understand what else could be causing this. its scary and confusing. I thought that maybe it would get better on its own, but it hasn't. it really hasn't. i'm just so lost. I think that in a way I've always struggled with memory things. When I was younger my mom would always tell me to do something and I would forget to do it... and maybe that was just like normal in a way. But forgetting entire days? this isn't normal.
I acc hate people so much, especially my family. Yesterday my mom wanted to do smth to me (it wasn't anything bad but I'm not gonna say what it was) I told her I didnt want her to. She persisted and starting like demanding that I listen to her and just to cooperate. I kept telling her that I didn't want her to, but she wouldn't listen. She started like manipulating and threatening me in a way. She started threatening that if I wouldn't cooperate she wouldn't take me to soccer. Eventually I listened but I very quickly became uncomfortable and told her to stop and tried to pull away she still wouldn't listen. Idk why I try to set boundaries tho tbh, its not like anyone will ever listen or respect them. I just let my parents walk all over me bc if I try to set a boundary they get mad and make me feel like I'm the one whose wrong for ever setting a boundary in the first place. I think this also carries into other relationships I have with ppl outside of family. I just let ppl walk over me and just stay quiet bc speaking up for myself has always, always, gotten me hurt. Maybe this is also a reason why I struggle with bad social anxiety. My parents just always think they're right, once they get this idea in their head no one can talk them out of it and they wont take no for an answer. No one ever listens to me. I let my younger sister walk over me as well. its not like she'll listen to me either. She bosses me around a lot despite my parents warnings for her to listen to me. Everyone just kinda does what they want to me and I just take it. bc what else am I supposed to do? people say hurtful things to me and I just take it or laugh it off. I don't show that I'm hurt. I just supress everything. push it away and hide it from everyone... even myself. I cant stay in this house for another 2 years. I cant, I need to get out of here.
yk its a little ironic bc my mom tries to have a good relationship with me but shes the one who's already destroyed the seeds of anything that could have been. When I move out I might end up cutting contact with my family. idk if I will but I might. My mom literally told me too that she doesn't want me to grow up thinking that they were never there for me. They've tried to support me through my problems but I don't let them bc they destroyed all of my trust in them. They didn't realize the damage they caused until it was already too late. And they still don't realize it. But I will never make the mistake of trusting them again. I will never let myself build a relationship with them anymore.
