Space for Space?

Have a soccer game today. Kinda nervous about it tbh. But tbf I'm always nervous before games. At least it's a home game tho, so I'm kinda relieved about that. At least we don't have to travel to a different school. I usually like the traveling part bc I get to get away from my family for a while but there's honestly just something about home games that seems really special too. It's just the atmosphere of it that I think makes it feel that way. Idrk what to expect from today's game bc the school we play is ranked below a team that we beat by a significant margin... But this team has also been pretty even with us before in the past. I cant remember if we won or lost to them last year tho. I only remember bits and pieces of it. But at the same time they could have also lost a lot of players last year and have a bunch of new ppl so idk. Haven't looked that far into their stats. I just hope we play better today than we did last game. We honestly played kinda bad the last game we had. Idk what it is about that team but we always do kinda bad when we play them. We had to travel to them this year and they have a really small field and we always seem to struggle with it idk why. We did win that game but we played badly. I think it was the way we went into it tho that kinda messed up everything. Like it wasn't as positive or supportive as it usually is. Like everyone just seemed really... Upset? Idk not really upset but like not really supportive either. Idk what I'm trying to say, can't think of the word. Anyways there was a couple ppl who just seemed liked ticked off and we went into the game that way and I could feel like tension kind of. And it made me really stressed out and I played kinda bad bc of that. I honestly kinda gave up within the last 10 minutes but it's whatever. 

I'm just so exhausted from all these games tho. We had three games last week we have three games this week. It's just like back to back games and I'm so tired. Thankfully we won't have practice tmmr or Monday so I guess that's good. We do have a game Saturday but we play a easier team so it shouldn't be that bad. I'm just glad to get a bit of a break. I'm trying to get more sleep bc ik my body needs it but I still wake up every morning feeling tired. And I'm dealing with bad shin splints too which is just great. Idk, Ik I'm kinda complaining a lot but I am excited for today. I just hope it all goes well. 

its actually terrifying to think how bad my memory has gotten. idk how this happened, it started to get really bad a few weeks ago when I was like really dissociated for a week. like before that I was starting to not be able to remember things but now its gotten kinda bad. I think yesterday was when I noticed that it had gotten worse. I was working on a school assignment and was trying to set something up on my laptop. I literally used this exact thing I was trying to set up like a week ago and I couldn't for life of me seem to figure out how to do it again. I thought I was doing everything right so I came to the conclusion that something was broken so went down this rabbit hole of trying to troubleshoot it. the whole time tho I had this feeling that I was forgetting something or was missing something but I couldn't figure out what it was. Eventually I looked at the instructions on how to do it correctly and figured out that I wasn't even doing it correctly to begin with. Felt like an idiot after that, but I just don't understand how I forgot that quickly how to do it. before yesterday I've set the same thing up at least a dozen times and it worked perfectly. 

I genuinely don't understand why I'm having so many problems with my memory. its actually so scary. its kinda ironic tho bc the things that I so badly wish I could forget never seem to fade. Its kinda weird tho bc when I try to remember what happened I cant recall all the details or remember it as well. but when I get triggered i remember it so clearly. idk. I can barely remember what happened yesterday, ik I did school, ik I had a soccer game, but those are just the facts of what happened. Like logically I know it happened but when I try to recall actual things that happened it feels like so distant and foggy. Like the memories are already fading. With every memory that fades it feels like part of me I fading along with it. idrk who I am anymore tbh. idk how to describe it, but its like ik what I like doing, like I like drawing, reading, painting, astronomy, etc etc. But I don't really know what I like doing. that doesn't really make sense but idk how to explain it. its like part of me knows logically what I "enjoy" but those are just the facts, its what I see when I walk into my room, what I hear when others talk about me. but its not me. I don't feel like myself. idk who I am, what I am, why i'm here. idk what I'm doing. 

Yk I kinda feel like being on cups is more triggering for me than when I'm not here. What I mean is that I find I'm always getting myself triggered by being on here. Forums aren't as bad (sometimes it is) but I think it's mostly the group rooms. And I've been trying to stay out of them bc of that but idk sometimes I just like lurking. I really need to stop doing that... Idk why I'm getting so triggered being here tho. Sometimes it gets to the point where I get suicidal bc of it. It's not very often and I'm trying my best to manage it but it still happens.... It sort of happened last night too... I actually hate being triggered so badly, I hate it. Whenever I get triggered it always gets so bad so quickly. Like I need a release or for the pain to stop or just anything. Side note tho I haven't sh in a few weeks so I guess that's good. Idk why but I find myself craving sh sometimes. Maybe that's just me but I like want the pain, I want to see the marks. But ik I always hate myself later bc then I have a new scar to look at. I guess at first I kinda liked the scars but now I actually hate looking at them. I genuinely hate having to see them. Some of the oldest ones have sort of faded but I can still see them and it drives me crazy. I hate having to try to hide them from family. They wouldn't understand why I sh, well actually the reason I sh is mostly bc of them but still. My parents don't really understand me to begin with. Pretty sure they've kinda just given up trying with me. Just a hopeless cause tbh. Idk maybe I should stop rambling and actually go do smth I've been putting off. Well I haven't really been putting it off I've just had literally no time. Yeah so maybe I'll go work on that painting in a while. 

Idk what I'm doing here. I just hate myself so much, hate my life, hate everything. I just want to do it. so badly do I just want it to be over... but I've been doing some thinking. And I think that bc of one post here on cups I found a reason to keep living. Idk why but I had this idea in my head that you had to have some big thing as a reason to keep living. that's why when I was asked i'd always say there was nothing keeping me from commiting. but that post kinda made me realize that there is a lot of small things as well. I think my reason tho is that I'll never get to see the stars again. 

And I'm not saying that bc of this I'm suddenly better, the pain is still overwhelming and I do still think about commiting every single day. But maybe for now I found reason to hold on for just a little longer. Whether it will be enough to keep me here I don't know. When all you want is for the pain to stop its so incredibly difficult to hold onto that reason. Like I said before I'm still considering whether or not to attempt. idk, I still have a lot to think abt. All I want is for the pain to stop. :/ 

im acc so tired. Like physically tired I mean. We had a game yesterday.. it was kinda rough ngl. we lost 3-0. Finally we lost our win streak of 7-0. we had the same 11 ppl on the field the whole time. We had no subs yesterday. 1 person was injured so couldn't play, and another person was "sick" so didn't show up. then after halftime someone got injured so we had to play with 10 ppl instead of 11. I played striker in the first half then got moved to defense after the second half. I acc hate defense, I've never really played defense before at varsity level so it was interesting... defense just stresses me out. I am not a defender I play offense not defense. everyone says I did good tho as defense so idk. I know how to defend in general and like know the basics of playing in a defense role just from watching everyone else do it. But idk I really just hate defense. I guess its fine tho, I'll play it if I have to and yesterday I had to. I was really the only one they could pull down as defense bc I'm the one with the most expierence and there wasn't anyone else. Its just exhausting having to play a full 80 minutes every single game without a break. Im acc so tired. Yesterday was just rough, I was running all over as striker trying to cover the right side as well, bc the wing just wasn't there when they were needed. And ik its not their fault bc they've never played soccer before this, but I mean they should have a general idea of where to be. We've gone over this in practice so many times. And I was doing my best to help out as well but its just hard to do that when your in game bc you don't have the chance to stop and explain everything. I was already exhausted by halftime. 

I'm not looking forward to practice this evening either. Practice is an hour longer today which is just great. I'm just not in the mood for this today. I slept 9 hours last night and I'm still exhausted. I have bruises all over my arms and this weird bruise on my hand. have one on my face somehow? My thigh hurts pretty bad from a bruise as well. and I got stepped on a couple times.. so basically my whole body is just in pain and tired. And we have another game tmr. 🫠 I honestly dunno how this is going to work out. I might be put as defense again (yay) and we might be playing a person down depending on whose injured and if one specific person bothers to show up. So.. this could be... interesting to say the least. Cant wait till the weekend. And thank god we don't have another game for a week after  tomorrows. Maybe tomorrows game will be fine tho... if we just have 3 defenders like we started with yesterday. We had started with 3 defense yesterday and 4 midfield but had to pull one of our midfield back to defense bc defense was kinda struggling with only having 3. but tmr might be fine with 3 defense, the team we play seems to be an easier team. Idk I guess we'll just see how it goes. Hopefully coach wont like completely work us to death today. I don't think I'll survive if she does. well at least there's only 3 more days till the weekend. at least I have that to look forward to. Its really the only way I manage to make it through a week of practice. by telling myself that its almost the weekend till I can get a break. 

Well good news is I don't think I have a concussion. I feel pretty okay today mostly. Not really dizzy or disoriented or nauseated which is good sign. Just have a bit of a headache still but its not as bad. and tbh its not even really a headache its just kinda the feeling you would get before you get a headache if that makes sense. My face is just kinda sore tho, and ive got a couple of smaller bruises by my eye and nose. I think I'll be okay tho, probably just gonna take it easy and rest today. try to do a little bit of school work. Im really glad that we don't have practice today, I really badly needed a couple days to rest, and now we wont have practice till Monday. Is it bad tho if I cant really remember what happened? like ik one of the signs of a concussion is not being able to remember what happened. I mean I can remember most of what happened but there's certain parts that I literally cant remember. And the whole thing already feels kinda foggy and distant. Well I mean this could also just be the fact that my memory lately has sucked and this is just "normal" for me but idk. 

Anyways, other than all of this my mental health recently has been fine I guess? idk been too tired and busy to have the time to think clearly. Oh and I'm pretty certain that my mom went through my laptop yesterday when I was at the game. Well I don't think she went through everything, I'm pretty sure it was just my Google searches. But its actually starting to stress me out so much. Im usually pretty good at remembering to log out of my account on my laptop so she cant get into it but I forgot to yesterday. I had to change the password to my account on my laptop bc of this. Also had to add a password to my phone bc she would go through my phone constantly before I did it. I swear I have absolutely no privacy with my parents. They always want to know what I'm doing. And its not like I'm even doing anything bad its just the fact that my parents don't trust me. They say they do, but when they go through my stuff then they obviously don't. It's a struggle to try to hide cups from them. when they read my journal they figured out I used cups but I lied and told them that I wasn't using it anymore. Cups is the one place where I at least have a place to express myself and have friends. But they don't see that, My parents would never understand what this place means to me. They only see the bad in it, especially my mom. They think its bad bc I'm talking to strangers on the internet about my problems. And I can understand where they're coming from with that, but I'm not stupid. Im not dumb enough to break the rules here or to connect offsite with someone, etc. After what happened to me before I'm incredibly hesitant to trust ppl on the internet. But my parents still don't trust me. and I doubt they ever will. I don't understand how they expect me to trust them when they don't even trust me. That's not how trust works. yk I read this quote and its something along the lines of "trust is like a crumpled piece of paper, you can smooth it over but it wont ever be the same again" and this quote really stuck with me. Idk I just wish I could run away. Anything would be better than being here with my parents. 

I relapsed into sh yesterday. After like 3 weeks I relapsed. Idk why I did it tbh. I keep getting myself triggered and idk why. Maybe I do it on purpose, but I feel like I have so many triggers that I can't keep track of it all. And sometimes I get triggered by the most random things. Other times I get triggered by the same things I've done thousands of times and never got triggered by it before. Nothing makes sense anymore 

Anyways I think I'm kinda feeling a little better today. Still having dull headaches off and on no other symptoms of a concussion tho so I guess that's good. My face is still kinda sore tho. And it doesn't help that my glasses rest right where the bruise on my nose is. It's okay tho I guess. I'm just glad I don't have a concussion. Genuinely don't want to have to deal with that again. I had a minor concussion last year bc of the same thing, I got hit in the head with the ball. I genuinely felt so helpless that whole time bc I literally wasn't allowed to do anything. I couldn't be on my phone, couldn't really read anything. Basically anything that required my brain to do work I wasn't allowed to do. And ik that a concussion is a serious thing but I seriously felt so helpless. I don't think I have ever felt more useless in my entire life. I had a much worse concussion when I was younger as well so I guess I should be thankful that it wasn't as serious as that one was. So I've basically had 2 concussions in the span of 16 years. 

I managed to get two of my math tests for school done today. That was the main thing that needed to be done so I'm glad I was able to get it done. I think I did pretty alright but I'll have to submit them and see how I did. I saw one of my old friends today, don't know how I feel abt that tbh. Idk if we're really friends tbh. She's told me before that I'm one of her favorite ppl, but she's never been the one to text me first, or ask me how I'm doing, or like anything. I've always been the one kinda putting in the work of this friendship. After a while I just sort of gave up. Just stopped trying to see if she'd notice. And I don't think she really has. It's fine tho I guess. Just hurts to watch a friendship that's lasted for 8 years just kinda die over time.