Space for Space?

I wish I wasn't alive anymore. Can't deal with family, can't deal with myself, can't deal with life. Im just so over it all. The world would be so so much better without me in it. All I am is a mistake. 

Hate my mom so much. My dad isn't as bad but I still won't ever forgive him for what he did. My mom has done so much worse to me and caused me so much hurt and pain that I can't ever forgive her either. She's the reason why I want to commit, she's the reason why I sh. She's the main cause of it all. And I have to act like I don't hate her and that she doesn't annoy me. But I can't keep the act up anymore. My mask is faltering. My acting is wearing out. My mom just makes me so upset. The way she guilt trips me is insane. She came into my room earlier and asked what I was doing on my phone. I said that it doesn't matter and she said that she only wants to know what I'm doing. I eventually told her I was texting someone and she asked who it was. I said I was texting "someone" and she said that she only wants to know who my friends are. I kinda snapped at her and told her I was texting my cousin. She got hurt and said that she has feelings too. The thing you need to know about my mom tho is that she ALWAYS does this. It's this same thing all the time. Whether I'm in my phone, on my laptop, reading a book, drawing. She always wants to know what I'm doing, and what it's about. I have literally no privacy. And when I try to set a boundary and say that I'm just working on something. She gets all hurt and offended and ends up storming off or starts crying. She makes me feel like I'm the bad guy. She'll always say something along the lines of I just wanted to know what your doing. I have literally no privacy with her. Literally none. And the thing is is that I always feel like I'm doing something wrong, that maybe I should have just told her what I was doing to begin with. But at the same time I don't feel anything towards her anymore, I don't feel anything when she gets hurt over something I do, I feel literally nothing. I've just stopped caring completely about her. And what's complete bs is the fact that she only does this to me. She never does this to my sister who is literally younger than me. The double standard is insane. 

Oh I'm sorry that I'm not the perfect child. Apparently I was just a mistake when your constantly fussing over and comparing me to my sister all the time. And Idc what you say about that I was a blessing and that you tried and tried for kids and that it didn't work out the first few times then I finally came along. That's just a bunch of bs. I don't believe that. You can say all you want but the way you treat me says so much more about what you really think. Actions speak louder than words. A lot louder. 

My dad compares me to my sister all the time. And it's more of a discreet way of doing it but he still does it. Says how she's so much stronger me bc she does ballet and I do soccer. He says this literally all the time. I just go quiet now when he brings it up. It's obvious who's the favorite child in this house and who's not. 

I would run away if I could. I can't stay here in this stupid house anymore. Im actually going insane. I can't take it anymore. Hate it so so much. 

I hate people. I hate people. I hate people. Idk what's wrong with me. I feel so dissociated and like disconnected all the time. Every single day. Most times it isn't as bad but other times it's worse. I don't feel like myself. Maybe this is what's adding to my memory problems. That maybe I'm dissociated without realizing I'm dissociated and that's why I can't remember things. 

Today an interviewer wanted to interview us about our season after practice today. I seriously thought about going. But one all I wanted to do was come home, and two I absolutely hate it when ppl ask me a bunch of questions. I get so anxious and triggered bc it reminds so much of him. It stresses me out bc I don't like talking about myself and being asked a lot of questions all at once and I get so paranoid that he'll find me bc of that. That maybe it's him and I'll never know but he'll know it's me bc he knows my face. I can handle answering questions about myself if it's like 1 or 2 at a time. But if you start rapid firing questions at me it really stresses me out. Idk I just really hate talking about myself. Do I kinda regret not going to the interview? Yes I do... But at the same time the last thing I want or need is to be paranoid or anxious and overthinking everything all night. 

Yk what I don't understand is how I'm supposed to do the things that make me happy to cope when literally nothing makes me happy. Ppl always say that if you do the things you used to love them eventually you will start to feel better. But that has never worked for me and believe me I've tried. Every single day I try to do something, whether it's painting, drawing, reading. Nothing works. Nothing helps. Literally nothing makes me happy. I end up scrolling my phone bc even if it doesn't make me happy it at least numbs and distract me from the pain for a while. Nothing helps me anymore. Im just a lost cause. It's better off for me to be gone bc at least then I'm not wasting anyone's time and resources that can be better spent somewhere else. I still try to do some of the things I used to like but it doesn't help and it doesn't distract me. If anything it makes it worse. I end up having too much time to think, even if I listen to smth in the background my thoughts are somehow still louder. 

I basically have music in all day everyday. I wear my headphones all day long and listen to music bc at least then I don't have to sit in the quiet. Bc it at least gives me something to attempt to drown out my thoughts. It doesn't really work but it at least it helps mostly. I've been getting Into indie pop music recently. I like it bc it makes me feel really nostalgic for some reason. Like some of it gives a vibe from like my generation. That makes me sound old probably lol but it kinda takes me back to like the times before ai before the Internet was as developed as it is today. I miss it. I remember when I was younger having a really like old school tv. I remember watching vhs tapes on it. Well actually I don't remember watching them but ik we had them bc I remember playing with them. So logically that means we watched them at some point. We had dvds but I think we used vhs more. Idk what I'm saying is it that I miss when things used to be so much simpler. 

Just wish things made sense. Im tired of hurting everyday. Having to battle with my depression and anxiety every single day. Just wish the pain would stop. 

I've had a really rough day today. Had a rough evening in particular. But I also want to think that maybe there's a part of me that's starting to see the hope in life again. It's a verrryyyy small part of me but it's still there. It feels weird to feel hope again. After what felt like a lifetime of feeling nothing but despair and hopelessness I finally feel a very small flicker of hope burning somewhere inside of me. And it's all bc of one very small act someone did for me. I for the second time in my entire life opened the door and told someone I was struggling. I didn't go I to any details but only them that I was going through a lot. I expected them to respond in the way most ppl do when I try to open up, for me to be judged and dismissed. But I wasn't I was met with care and empathy. Something I've never had before. And maybe that seems stupid but for me it's the one thing that made me hope again. And also another weird thing is that about a week ago when I felt like everything was just getting worse I felt something in me just snap. That I'm not going to let my depression rule and take over my life. That I'm I'm going to stay alive I might as well fight to stay here. I'm not going to let depression win. And idk since then I've felt a little bit more hopeful about life. 

It's not a lot and I still struggle everyday but I haven't been as suicidal, actually now that I think about it I haven't had any suicidal thoughts. Maybe this is the beginning of something new? And honestly I thought that this thought was just like a sudden burst of motivation for me to fight back and that it would fade within the day but it hasn't. It's stuck with me. My life is still hard, I'm not saying that things suddenly got better overnight. It still scares me every single day to think about me actually getting better and for me to actually be happy and not to have to live like this. It scares me so much. But maybe with time I can learn to overcome it. Maybe time really does heal everything.. it only took me two years to realize that maybe things can and will get better. And maybe this is the beginning of my own healing journey. 🙃

Another rough day. 🫠 Was supposed to have a soccer game today but it got cancelled bc there wasn't any refs for some reason. I also finished writing one of my essays for school. Submitted it too, although I'm kinda anxious abt it. Idk why I always get to stressed over submitting my work. I always worry that it's not good enough, what if I didn't follow the guidelines, what If I missed something, what if I get flagged for using ai on it. I didn't even really use AI for this essay only used it for some research and used it to help me think of ideas for what to write but I didn't copy the ai word for word. I used my own words. But it always stresses me out for some reason. Idk hopefully I do good. I guess I'll find out in a couple of days. 

I've been doing a lot of drawing these past few days. Spent most of yesterday drawing, worked on my drawing a bit today as well it's almost done too so I'm happy Abt that. I think slowly I'm starting to find the joy in used to have for drawing again. Maybe I should get back into doing my astronomy research. Kinda wanted to do that yesterday but wasn't motivated enough to actually do it. As much as it pains me to say this I feel like I kinda lost my spark I used to have for it. Don't get me wrong I still love space and astronomy so so much. But I think I lost the joy I felt in it when I wasn't feeling happy doing anything I liked anymore. Guess that's just something else I need to work on. God life's exhausting and confusing and so freaking hard. 

Having urges to sh. Had them yesterday as well. I don't think it helps that I triggered myself today also. So that's just great. Idk why I can't get him out of my head. I miss him, I miss him so much it hurts. Idk why I want him back. I don't I really don't. Im absolutely terrified of him finding me. But why do I miss him so much then? Is it bc I miss the connection we had? The attention he gave me? The way he made me feel? Idk why this can't make sense. Every time I think I moved on it just comes back to haunt me. 

//Trigger warning//

Its just been one of those days... where I really don't want to be alive anymore. No matter how hard I try I still cant escape these thoughts. And what scares me is that what if it becomes too strong that I wont be able to resist anymore. That no matter how much hope I have for the future what if the darkness becomes too strong and unbearable. I've gotten so close to acting on it so many times. What if the next time i try is the one that actually ends it. Im trying so hard every single day. I really am. but it never feels like enough. I always end up falling back into the same hole I was in to begin with. I relapsed last night too... after what was like 3-4 weeks. (idk it was probably less than that but I lost count) I hate myself so much. and I hate that I'm still having urges to do it again. I don't want anyone irl to find out about it.. but its so hard to hide. Im so scared of what would happen if someone did find out. ppl would probably think I'm crazy. And even if I told someone other than my parents Im terrified of it somehow getting back to my parents and them finding out about it. That's another major reason why I don't talk about I feel with others, bc I'm terrified of it somehow getting back to my parents. No one understands how exhausting it is having to walk on eggshells around my parents, having to hide how I feel from them. I cant go through what they put me through last time. I cant do it again. I'd probably rather commit than go through what they did last time. And what I hate the most is that I still feel like I'm overreacting about the way my parents treat me. that I'm making a big deal out of nothing. yk I have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that my parents around going to end up talking to me about my mental health again sometime within the next two years... probably more than once as well. I hate sitting there feeling so helpless while they talk to me and make assumptions and judge me. And me being terrified to speak up bc Ik I cant. Bc I shut down every single time. I have never ever been good at talking about how I feel in person with someone. I always shut down. always. What I want to say never comes out the way I want it to. My mom basically called me prideful the other day bc I don't ask for help when I get behind on my school work. That hurt when she said that. Im not prideful, like at all. I've just never been good at asking for help with things. and its not bc I don't want help, but its bc I feel weak and feel like a burden when I cant do things myself. And its also bc when I ask my parents for help they end up walking all over me and make me feel stupid. I always end up getting yelled at bc I'm not where I'm supposed to be, or bc I'm not doing smth right. Then my parents wonder why I don't ask them for help. If they're going to yell at me every single time then why would I ever go to them for help? its actually pathetic to see just how much my parents don't know me. They know nothing about me. Sure they know like my basic interests but they don't know much past that. They don't even really know or understand the way I act, or talk, or anything. After 16 years I feel like they should at least know that I have bad social anxiety, that I'm horrible at talking Abt my feelings, that I don't like physical touch. And I've never told them directly but they have a general idea about this bc they make fun of me for it or pressure me into doing something that I don't like bc of these things. They say hurtful things to me and make it into a joke bc I cant do the basic things that seem so simple to them. And I've told them I don't like this, and I've tried to put up boundaries but they never listen. They don't know anything about me. And if they are going to treat me like this all the time then they wont get the chance to know anything about me. god, I cant wait to get out of this house. My dad makes assumptions about me, says he knows me and knows what I like and when he's obviously wrong he still pushes the topic bc he thinks he right. The irony in this is crazy. Once my parents get some idea in their head about something they wont let it go no matter if they're right or wrong. 

I really don't want to go to practice today, I don't want to have to deal with people for almost 2 hours. And we are probably going to have to practice in the gym bc of the weather. Its been raining so much here. Which is unusual bc it never rains this much where I live. But I guess its good that its raining bc we so badly needed it. Anyways I hate having to practice in the gym. I hate it so much. We haven't practiced out on the field in what seems like foreverrr. We had like one practice last week that was outside and the rest was in the gym. I'm hoping that we don't have to go to the gym but its not looking too good. At least we don't have another game this week. But we are going into our district games next which I'm acc terrified for. I'm genuinely just not in the mood for soccer today. Just feel like isolating myself for everyone. I'd rather be alone. Im better off alone anyway