Space for Space?

@IzzyGamer

We are all here to listen to you and support you, feel free to always come and speak in that sweet spot (7Cups), I'm so proud of you because you decided to express your feelings and the chaos that you feel is in your head. 

Myabe I'm weird for feeling this way. Well actually idrk what I'm feeling. But its like I feel numb without feeling numb? My mom is basically losing her job bc the place she works at is closing down. She asked me how I felt about it and I didn't know how to answer. But the problem with that is is that I literally don't feel anything towards it. Like ik what losing a job means, and I know the feelings behind it. Stress, anxiety, etc. and theoretically I would and should feel somewhat the same things. But I don't. And that's the problem. And this has been going on for a while.. but like most other things in my life I don't notice it until something makes me notice it. I feel numb without feeling numb. LIke I can still feel things (kinda) but its not as strong or as it used to be. Its like a very small flicker of something sitting in my chest. Idek how to explain this tbh and this probably doesn't make any sense. But I hate myself for feeling like this. Its like I feel neutral about everything. But maybe this "feeling" I'm telling myself I still feel towards things is just something I made up in order to fill the empty void. Bc logically I should feel this way towards it so I just make it up to tell myself that I still feel something even though i really don't. How does one even go about explaining that they feel numb to someome? Idek what I'm talking about now. How do you tell someone that you feel nothing but something at the same time? People would probably look at me like I'm crazy. I just wish things made sense. 

Yk this is kinda shocking but I'm actually doing kinda good today. I've had a good day today. And haven't felt bad or stressed or overwhelmed or anything. Actually been kinda happy today. First time in months probably. We went to a crafts store today and I bought some stuff to make some things with which I'm happy about. Idk what it's called but I made a chain that hangs from the belt loops of my jeans and I acc love it so much. I put space themed pendants (?) on it too.  I have a lot of projects that I need to finish doing but I keep buying more. Idk why lol. It's like I start one thing than move to another then go back to the original one I started then start another thing. It's like I hyper fixate on one thing for a while then go back to something else. But I really like making things. Like I've been making miniatures a lot. Or at least I've been gathering the stuff to make them. I haven't had the time to acc make them yet. I've made one and failed on another one lol. But I have most of the stuff I just need to make the time to do it. I also gathered some of the stuff today to make like a steampunk style pocket watch. There's some stuff I'm missing and idk if I'll even be able to do it but I have some of the stuff so I'm gonna try. I've been really into steampunk stuff lately too for some reason. 

Another thing too is for the first time in god knows how long I've acc felt like myself. This morning I was like kinda giddy and was so happy for some reason. More like excited than I've been in months. And I'm not a morning person at all so this was odd. And I noticed the change too. I noticed I was different. I've been experimenting with my clothes and coming up with outfits that acc feel like me. That makes me feel good in myself. Somedays it works other days it doesn't but I'm trying to find clothes and do stuff with my hair that acc make me feel like myself. I would always hate the way I'd dress. But maybe like 7 or 8 months ago I started experimenting with clothes and have acc started to feel good in myself.I gravitate towards a more streetwear aesthetic when it comes to clothes or the way I dress. It's what acc makes me feel like me. I like the way I dress now and it makes me feel good about myself. Idc what my parents think. They're not going to get to control what makes me feel good about myself. 

Maybe I should stop rambling lol. But Im just happy that I've had a good day today. Maybe tmmr will be like this as well. Guess I'll find out. And if not then I'll get through it the best I can. 

Ive had another pretty decent day today. I wrote a bit of a story today too. Its based on the song strangers again by Matt Hansen. I've wanted to write smth based on this song for a while now but never knew how. I didnt want to do a poem bc i wanted to add more details to it, so today I wrote a bit of a short story. couldn't think of a title so for rn its unnamed. I'll share it here bc I don't feel like putting it anywhere else. idk if its even any good but i had fun writing it so I could care less if its bad. 🙃 

I just need to sleep, I've been laying awake for far too long at thing point. Just need to close my eyes and rest. Simple. So then why is it I'm reminded of you whenever I shut my eyes? I lay awake in bed wondering all of this as I'm unable to sleep away the pain of today. I turn over only to be faced with three red numbers staring back at me. 3am again. I groan, frustrated with myself as I pull off the covers to sit upright at the edge of the bed. Maybe some cold water on my face would help? No, that would only make me more awake. But I cant stay here with my thoughts either. With a sigh I walk over to the window and crack it open just enough to feel the cold breeze on my face. I brush a piece of hair behind my ear that got knocked loose from the wind. You used to do the same thing with such tenderness. I could feel the warmth of your hand as it restedon my face. You said you'd never leave. If only I knew how true that was. I hear the traffic of the cars below me. I watch as the red taillights fade far away into the distance. Something above me catches my eye and pulls my gaze away from the traffic. I look up and see thousands of little pinpricks of light. You used to love the stars. We'd lay on a hill late at night and make up stories about the constellations. We'd laugh and talk for hours about nothing and everything. I told you things I'd never told anyone. You'd listen and never once made me feel like a burden for sharing. A sharp shill runs down my spine and shocks me from my thoughts. I close the window and walk to the kitchen to get a glass of water. I grab a glass from the drainboard and fill the glass from the tap. I hastily turn off the water as I feel tears start to well up in my eyes. I set the glass down on the counter with shaking hands and use the edge of the island to steady myself. Its not long before I sink to the floor and let myself cry. I want to forget you, I wish I could forget the hurt you caused me. The brutal betrayal. Im just so caught up in the way it ended. You can pretend you don't know me, like we never met. But every secret shared between us is always going to be there to haunt us both... even if you are gone. Just because your gone doesn't mean its forgotten. through muffled sobs I hear the familiar click of paws on the tile. I look up to see Luna round the corner of the kitchen and feel a pang of guilt knowing I must have awoken her. She rests her head on my lap and I feel the warmth of her body as she presses up against me. We sit together in silence as I slowly allow myself to calm. Eventually I find the courage to walk back to my room. Luna follows and quickly settles into a spot on my bed. Still feeling restless I pace the room. I pause to run my fingers through my hair and watch as Luna gazes at me. With a smile I go to lay down next to her. She positions herself so her head rests on my chest. Maybe I wont ever be able to forget you... or the damage you caused. It hurts too much to even think of your name. You being gone doesn't change anything, and there's some days I wish you were by my side again. But I know that can never happen. I don't think I'll ever be the same again. You took part of me with you the day you left. And when I get lonely I try to forget, but its a strange kind of pain... because we'll never be strangers again. 

Had a bit of a rough day today. It wasn't terrible but it wasn't good either. Im trying to find the motivation to clean up my room but I don't feel like it. Told myself I would do it 10 minutes ago but didn't feel like it. 😔 I can't stop thinking about today... And what's going to happen tmmr. Had a bit of a bad time at soccer practice today, and we have a game tmmr and we play a harder team. We've always lost to them whenever we played them but when we played them last year we lost 3-0 the first time then it was 2-0 the second time we played them. But that was back when we had ppl who knew what they were doing. And whilst this years team has gotten better I don't know if it's enough. I don't want to get mercy ruled I really don't. It's not fun. We got mercy ruled already this season by a hard team.. Im worried it's going to happen again. I believe in our team, and I'm we can do good if we push ourselves. But I'm so worried about how this is going to go. I haven't been playing well either. One of our captains pulled me aside a couple weeks ago bc she noticed I haven't been myself. And I thought I was getting better but I feel like I'm right back to where I was. It's like I don't care. Which ik is not true bc I do care. I care so much about this team but it's like my brain and my body are two different things. My body doesn't cooperate or doesn't listen to what I try to do. That doesn't make sense but whatever. Atp I'm just a liability. I don't deserve to be on this team. I've thought about quitting... But I mean our season is kinda almost over anyways I'm probably not acc going to quit I just feel like it some days. All I am I a burden. They'd probably be so much better off without me. Like everyone else would. The whole world would probably be much better off without me too. I don't belong here and I hate being alive. I wonder if ppl on that team acc care or if they just pretend to. And honestly I think they just pretend to care. When one of the captains messaged me she said that I was a fantastic play and mean a lot to this team. But I don't see it. And idk if I believe it either. I believed it at the time but I don't know if I do now. Idk why I'm questioning everything. I can feel myself pushing ppl away. Just want to be left alone. Even here on cups, I can tell I'm pushing ppl away. Isolating myself. Im not responding to forums the way I used to. Im not responding to forums I would usually respond to. Well tbh it's not like I get tagged in very many forums anyways. I used to get a lot more notifs everyday but I probably haven't had more than 10 notifs in all of this week. But that's besides the point. The point is, is that I've been pushing ppl away without ever really meaning to. Idk why I do this. I do it all the time. I unintentionally push people away without knowing it until I've already done it. I think I'm just broken. I never know what I'm feeling or why I'm feeling it. It doesn't make sense. Nothing makes sense. Im just tired. So so tired. Tired of pretending. Tired of acting. Tired of seeming like I'm okay and that I haven't everything under control. When in reality it feels like I'm dying on the inside. I feel like crying. I haven't cried in months. I usually just numb out before Im in a space where I can actually cry. Wish I wasn't here anymore. 

So uhm... We got mercy ruled today. Exactly what I feared would happen. We played pretty bad first half ngl but second half we did a lot better. Which I'm glad about that. Getting mercy ruled sucks especially since this is our district games, it's kinda important now that we do good during this. It's fine tho i guess. Im not looking forward to having to play this team again tho. We have to play them again next week I think and I'm not looking forward to it at all. Im hoping we'll do better on that game. Something happened too which I think is kinda funny, although it's probably it that funny. I went for the ball on their side of the field I ran into their defender she fell then I kinda fell over her, but I got air time with that fall as well. I just think it's kinda funny. Can't help but giggle thinking about it. All I hope tho is that the photographer didn't take a picture at that moment. I will not be happy they clipped that. But if they did it would be kinda funny ngl, but still wouldn't be happy about it. Kinda got minor turf burn on my elbow from that fall but is ok. 

Anyways, I still haven't cleaned my room. I was supposed to do it yesterday but I had like no motivation. I ended up scrolling my phone till I had to go to bed. But since yesterday it kinda got worse... It's probably the worst it's been in years ngl. Im usually pretty on top of making sure my room is clean bc it bugs me if it's not. But when it's the way it is now with stuff everywhere I get overwhelmed and don't know where to start. I keep telling myself I just need to pick a spot and start there. It probably wont even take me very long since my room isn't that big. And we have family coming to visit and they'll be here in a few hours so I kinda need to clean it up. Which is just more motivation about why I should do it. I just need to do it. But I don't feel like it. Idek where to start. Maybe I should start with the bed then go from there. 

Im acc so tired. I've had such a longgggg day. Had to wake up at like 3:45 this morning bc we went to an event in our city. It was a lot of fun but I'm so tired now. Had pizza for breakfast tho so it was worth it lol. 😀 Ended up taking a nap when we got home, slept for like two hours I think. And I never sleep during the day I don't take naps but I was acc so tired. 

We have another game tmmr. Im kinda excited bc it's an easier team. Which I'm kinda glad about that. My body hurts tho, shin splints started to come back again which is just great. Im still kinda sore as well from practice. Idk I'm just hoping I'll get more rest tonight and be ready for tmmr. Still got like 2 hours before I'll sleep and idk what to do. I kinda want to read but I'm too tired to focus on that rn. I kinda just want a low effort thing to do but idk what to do. Don't feel like playing a video game either. Maybe I'll draw? Or I could continue working on my metal earth butterfly thing that I'm building. Maybe I'll do that and I could watch a video. That sounds like a good idea maybe I'll try that for a while.