Am I being unfair w/ my partner?
So to start:
my partner and i started dating while I was still questioning if I was ace they knew I was questioning and insisted we just try being sexual but also assured me they’d still love me if I decided not to have sex
fast forward we have been intimate but I was still kinda uncomfortable so I expressed I didn’t want to be sexual anymore but my partner insisted saying it was the only way for them to truly express their love for me and without it they’d have no outlet so I caved and we continued being sexual
now we’ve been together almost 6 months and planning to move in together we’re still intimate but I still feel a bit unhappy it feels like I’m giving so much of myself while not being properly refilled if that makes sense? Like I’m only doing it so they feel loved but They don’t really do the same for me? There’s no equivalent exchange
I’m not sure what to do about it I feel like I should put my foot down about not doing it for them without proper compensation but I also feel that’d be unfair and come off as if I don’t love them?
@LeeSkull That's a difficult situation—you have a kind of sexual relationship but it's not even-handed, which leaves you unhappy about it. I suppose you both have decisions to make about what kind of relationship you are each prepared to accept. I get the impression you need to find a way to express your love very clearly while also being assertive about your sexuality, but of course your partner does too.
To answer your question, no I don't think you are being unfair in wanting your relationship to be balanced in a way that takes both your needs into account. I think it is always better to discuss these things openly, if that's possible, and when it's too difficult I suppose a few sessions with a therapist who specializes in relationship issues might be helpful.
Charlie
Thank you for the advice it helps a lot and I agree with you this is something I should discuss with my partner openly but now I’m not sure how to start that conversation I’m worried I’ll make it awkward or it’ll make them think I’m asking too much
one of their love language is physical touch and quality time which is why it makes sense it means so much to them but mine feel materialistic or egotistical in comparison (acts of service and gift giving)
@LeeSkull
I think it's great you are aware of love languages. This puts you ahead of many who do not grasp the concept of how we express and receive love and affection.
Whenever in doubt during delicate conversations, I
try to fall back on "I statements." If you're unfamiliar with these,
it's essentially along the lines of, "I feel X when you do/say Y or Z."
or "I start to feel ABC when I hear you say/see you do
XYZ."
Generally speaking (not saying your partner is doing this), anyone who tries to persuade you that your feelings are invalid is manipulating you or trying to shame you into changing how you feel. I've been on the receiving end of that and it's not a pleasant feeling, and I try to avoid the "hook" of being conned into changing my feelings.
Hopefully this makes sense to you.
@LeeSkull I don't think I fully understand the materialistic or egotistical feeling. Do you mean acts of service and gift giving feel loving to you and also feel materialistic or egotistical to you at the same time? Or is it that you think your partner might feel they are materialistic or egotistical? Or am I just getting very confused 😉
Anyway, to start the conversation, I agree with you that it might be awkward or too much, but the basic idea is that it's not going to be as bad as failing to start the conversation and allowing a deep misunderstanding to develop. I suppose one way is to start small by talking to each other about simple, specific non-sexual examples—for example, a physical touch and an act of service—and agreeing on what they mean to each of you.
Previously you wrote, "They don’t really do the same for me?" and I'm guessing you need to end up having a conversation where you explain what would be the same for you, or at least some kind of equivalent.
Charlie
@LeeSkull
Your partner doesn't sound great… You expressed something to them and they're denying you by saying sex is how they express their feelings. While it may be true, it clearly isn't how you express them and you're uncomfortable. They sound like they are pressuring you to do something you don't want to do…
I would be talking about it more with your partner before moving in…