I still have my doubts
I'm sure I'm less sexual than the majority of of people, but sometimes I question my asexuality. I think that's because when I find a person interesting, I may have the curiosity to see how they live their sexual life, how they would react to a flirt, gaining a little privilege position in his affections... It's not about sex, I'm still not interested in sex, it's more about discovering the other person and knowing them better, but even in that case I would never get turned on, I'd have to fight hard not to get bored or disgusted during sex and after a couple of times the curiosity is gone and I loose interest completely, so I don't think it's like being demisexual. Demisexual would be not being interested in random people but gaining interest over time as the relationship gets stronger, not the contrary, wtf?!
Plus, when I see sex scenes in movies or someone tells sex jokes, I get disgusted and I really can't understand how they thought it was necessary/fun to put that scene there or tell that joke. Ugh. Why? I see 2 people in love and I think they probably have a sexual life. And I'm like "ugh. Why? You love her so much and the first thing you think is to... Uuuugghhh! Disgusting!" I also never understood my teenage classmates when they said some guy was hot, or that they had a crush on someone although they knew he wasn't the best person, and I didn't understand. If he's not the best person, change crush. I thought you could choose it, I was totally oblivious that there was a physical part to attraction beyond fancying. Also it's been 5 years from the last time had sex and I'm super happy about that, I don't miss it one bit.
But then sometimes I fancy about having sex with someone (very idealized real person or fake character), out of curiosity I think, and sometimes I find the situation appealing, so I get confused. Where's my asexuality? Where's the repulsion for sex? So now I want it or what? It MAY be a matter of roles, discovering the other person, challenging the other person... I don't know, I get confused at that point. I never felt turned on by someone real though, that's for sure. And I know it's the personality that makes me interested to someone, waaaay more than the physical appearance.
@GhostlyLilian I'm not an expert, and I know there is a lot of controversy about these things, but the way I think of it, people as a whole are almost infinitely varied in the way they feel and interact, and any individual person has almost infinite capability to feel and interact in different ways. To me, terms like "asexual" are attempts to label statistical regularities in the midst of this almost infinite variation. They are not rigid categories that a person must fit into. In other words, to me a person is real and their labels are secondary constructs.
So when you write that you have the capability within yourself to find sexual fantasy appealing sometimes, I don't think that conflicts with the label "asexual". The label is not in charge of things, the real person is in charge. The label is only a generalization that is sometimes useful and at other times useless.
I'm not sure everyone would agree with this kind of thinking, but it's the way I think of it.
Charlie
@RarelyCharlie
Thanks for your reply. It may not conflict with the label, but it conflicts with how I usually feel. It's confusing. Not for the label, it's just that every time I though I understood more or less how my sexuality works, something comes out and gives me a completely opposite idea.
In the meanwhile, I remembered that recently I am exploring the idea that childhood trauma left my personality a little scattered into pieces, not like DID, way less severe, but I have "parts" of me talking in my head, each with different personality, opinions and different tastes. I might try to see if my position over sex might be related to what "part" of me is predominant or triggered
