I'm confused and desperate
My family is very conservative, they're all christians and I kinda am too, I don't like how they treat the LGBTQ community, they're so homophobic, but I didn't care so much because I thought I was heterosexual, so it's not gonna bother me anyway, but recently I'm getting aroused when I think about sex with the same gender.
I started college recently and, sometimes, ppl go to the bathroom to have sex, so hearing about this situation made me have a dream about sucking someone's dick inside the bathroom, and fuck, I get so turned on by think about sucking a dick and drinking cum and someone pounding my ass (sorry if it got too graphical) because of that, I'm having the urge to try for myself, have a gay experience just so I could see if it's for me or not, but... Although I have my doubts about God existing and all that, what if everything is true? What if being gay really is an unforgivable sin? There are 4 possible outcomes.
1- God exists and being gay is a sin:
A) I stick to the christian path and end up in heaven
B) I come out of the closet and burn in hell for eternity
2- God doesn't exist, at least not the christian God
A) I stick to the path and live a possibly unhappy life, and for nothing, because there's possibly nothing at all after you die, and of there is, I don't think they'll care of you're straight or not
B) I come out of the closet and live a good and happy life of discovery about myself
I think I'm bisexual, or pansexual, but the thing is, I have this massive crush on this girl, and she's the most christian woman that you'll find about my age, so, having any kind of gay experiences (sex outside of marriage, oh no! -gasp- the church said) would probably mean saying goodbye forever to the possibility of dating and marrying her, and I love her so much.
But my biggest issue for real is going to hell, and the worst part is that we really can't prove if God is real or not, here on the land on the living tho, my biggest problem is my family, they'll fkn kill me of I come out, but I'll probably just do that after I move out of their house, anyway, PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME.
@lumiosepallet thank you for sharing that with us. it's brave of you. i hope you manage to find the best possible help ASAP<3
@lumiosepallet this sounds like a really tough situation, especially since you're doubting what you've had faith in for the majority of your younger life up until college.
My best advice right now would be to talk to someone you can trust about this (not your close family since you are adamant that this wouldn't be a good conversation to have). Maybe a college counselor (I know my college offers therapy for free, maybe yours does too?) or a close friend you trust would keep your thoughts and concerns confidential.
I hope you can find the support and answers youre looking for <3
- Grace, 19, she/her
@lumiosepallet Hello. It sounds like you and the girl on whom you have a crush have different values. You seem disillusioned with the church and open to gay experiences, whereas the church is a major part of her life, and she seems to think that sex should be within marriage. These differences could cause a lot of stress and hurt to both of you if you date and marry, particularly if you pretend to be someone you're not, and she later discovers how you truly feel.
You've mentioned that you have doubts about God's nature and existence, but are afraid of burning in hell. You are right about there being a lot of different beliefs about these matters; you must choose for yourself what you will believe. I hope this helps. Feel free to message me anytime if you would like to talk more.