Trouble with accepting myself

Hey im new on here 

So this might sound stupid but I feel like I have trouble accepting myself because of my family not really being accepting (some people are accepting but not all)

Im happy for Lgbtq+ people who can be proud of being themselves but I cant relate because everyday I always wish I was a cisgender guy and I feel robbed because I cant be

I stay at my grandmas house and she refuses to call me he/him and calls me the name I dont want to be called because she likes that name 

also I used to think/say I was Non-Binary and any pronouns to make it easier for my family since I didnt want to be a girl and didnt want to have to come out to anyone but that didnt work out 

I also feel like I act not masculine enough sometimes which makes me feel like im not allowed to be a guy and I know someones masculinity/femininity doesnt exactly have to describe their gender but I get worried im an exception for some reason (maybe its because I try to pretend im cisgender to cope Idk)

Idk man im just upset sorry if I sound pathetic rn 

hopefully all you people here had a better day than me lol