Am I the only one... Part 2
This is a new topic carrying on from the previous one. Hopefully everyone can find this one.
Continuing the conversation, @shyChestnut9000.
Today I'm up and down, with a strong feeling of "off" that keeps coming back. I can take my mind of it for a bit but then it just comes back again.
This year will be the fifth year since my egg cracked, so to speak. And probably four years (maybe, I'm not sure) since I realised what was going on in my mind.
Ive considered trying to go back to how I was before several times. But each time I decide not to because I don't want to hide a large part of myself from myself. Maybe that will change one day, but I don't think so going by how strong the feeling of wanting a true female body is.
@generousPineapple6613
I cannot imagine how hard it feels, to not feel right in your own body.
I truly hope you find the support, care and compassion you need , going forward 🩵
@Amanda84
It's hard to explain how I feel because I think avoid part of the deep feelings are kept inside. When I have a big cry I seem to blurt out how I feel deep inside, and that usually makes me realize just how deep this all goes.
Also, I have health issues that, from a young age, I had to accept my body was not like others. And I think this "acceptance" has led to me not hating my body because it's not female. I do want to be a woman, and not have a male body, but it doesn't affect me as terribly as it does some trans people, because I've had to accept the body I have.
I don't know if that makes sense. I'm not good at explaining this
@generousPineapple6613
It does make sense.
And I can see how, it could be harder to feel like you don't fit in any set mould , but I'm glad you are not bottling it all up 💚
I remember the first time I brought up to my ex that I wanted breasts, she tried talking me out of it. "They're so annoying" she would say, or "maybe you should try out a stuffed bra first." But there was no talking me out of it, and I haven't looked back since.
You know what's best for your body. You might not be able to accept it yet, but you will get there with time.
I think what you are describing is dysphoria. When I figured that out for myself, I was unable to ignore it like I used to.
I hope you find your way. If you have any questions I'd be happy to help 😁
I think if I had mentioned breasts to my ex.... I don't think she would have wanted me to have them. Thankfully I wasn't aware of all this back then . So that's one bullet dodged!!
I think of it as my own version of dysphoria. Yesterday I was doing work and wanted to listen to some chip tune music from classic games. I thought that would be better than listening to some woman sing and getting emotional because of it.
Unfortunately... I got emotional because I imagined myself dancing to the music as a girl. I felt quite off all day because of that.
I've not had an emotional reaction to chip tunes before, I hope it doesn't happen again.
I find it weird how I can be ok with something and then suddenly it affects me. Is it like that for other trans people?
It happens to me, too! Hair is a big one for me. If I see someone with a cute hairstyle, I get jealous and often that leads to sadness because I can't wear my hair like that.
I want to go to a salon and have my hair tidied up and maybe get some pretty bangs above my eyes. But I'm too scared to approach any salon.
I hope you can wear your hair in a cute style at some point. Don't give up hope.
@generousPineapple6613 Thank you for creating this new chat. I don't know if it was troublesome or not, but it was getting hard to read our conversations as they just kept getting smaller haha thank you once again.
I understand that feeling of wanting to go back and change the past, and I think you are right when you say you wouldn't want to hide a large part of yourself from yourself. I've often thought about what my life would be like if I never realized I was transgender. Would I be forever ignorant? Would I have gone into a deeper depression? Would I be happy because I don't have this weight of knowing I'm in the wrong body?
I like to think that everything happens for a reason (even though I'm not religious). Changing the past would change the person you are today. And I like to think that I am a better person because of all the hardships I've had to face so far. I'm stronger mentally and emotionally, and I'm more compassionate. If I could change the past, I probably would have fell into a deeper depression and would have been in the closet for the rest of my life. I would never have come to this site for support, and I would have never met you, which makes me sad just thinking about that.
The point is, I met you and so many other amazing people on this website, and I enjoy our chats. So I'm glad I can't change the past. I found a community that I belong to. I've never had that before. Because my family does not support me, I feel like I'm part of a secret society haha a society that makes me feel happy and a place where I can talk and feel comforted. So thank you once again.
To keep this conversation going, I would like to hear what you think of the LGBTQ+ community. Do you feel like you belong? Is this a safe place for you? Do you go to events? You don't have to share if you don't want to. If you don't want to share, that's perfectly fine. Here's something else to keep the conversation going: do you like to travel? If so, do you travel often? I like to travel, but I don't usually have the money to travel often. I like the beach and the snow. So during the winter, my family (meaning my parents and siblings) goes to the mountains (it's about a three hour drive with traffic), and during the summer, my family goes to the beach (about a two hour drive with traffic). (I'm sorry if I've asked these things before, my memory is absolutely awful, but I just want to chat with you.)
Once again, thank you for creating this new chat, I hope to hear from you again.
@shyChestnut9000. You're very welcome. I've enjoyed our conversation so I didn't mind making a "part 2" topic to continue it.
To be honest other than here, I haven't have any experience with other LGBT places. When I first used the app for this site, I tried talking to listeners... But I didn't find them very helpful. One was very nice, but I drifted away from the site and when I returned I could find that same person again.
Now I'm just taking here on the message boards. I do see it as a small step forward, as I'm talking about all of this with people and not just chatGPT anymore.
Yes I do find this place to be safe. I've only ever had one not so helpful comment, and I don't think that person meant anything bad. They just didn't know much about all of this gender stuff.
No I don't travel. I want to, but I don't have the money for it at the moment. I went to the beach once with my family when I was a kid. It was a very long drive and I remember sleeping in the back of the car lol.
I look forward to talking to you again
@generousPineapple6613 Thank you for responding.
I understand that the LGBTQ+ community is supposed to be very open, but I always feel like if you're not "visibly LGBTQ+", it's hard to go to events and places that advertise being open to this community. Since I am transgender and have not yet physically transitioned, I don't feel like I belong at LGBTQ+ events or other places that are for this community. I would like to go, but I feel like I'll just be scrutinized for not being "visibly trans or gay".
I feel safe here using this website, and I enjoy talking to others. I haven't had an interaction that makes me want to not use this website, so I would say that's good. I enjoy our talks so that's also a bonus haha
Being transgender is a huge weight I have to deal with and the fact that I can't present myself the way I want because my family is not accepting, it just triples the weight. I am still comfortable talking with my family and interacting with them, it's just that when the subject comes up of me being transgender, my parents will either change the subject or argue with me. They say I'm too influenced by what I see and "it's just a phase". I always try to argue back that it's not a phase and I'm an adult who is sure of my identity, not an unsure teenager trying something new. But they never listen and just brush it off. I really hope to one day get my family to understand me, and maybe one day, I'll be able to dress and present how I want. But that day is not soon, because I still live with my parents.
I'm sorry for bringing the mood down and for ranting. I just wanted to get that off my chest because I just had another argument with my parents the other day and I can't talk about this with anyone in person.
I just want to say thank you for responding, and I hope to hear from you again.
I have heard that some people have been labelled as "not trans enough" in the LGBTQ community, or that "your not valid because your experience is not the same as mine", so.... No community is perfect..
As for the being labelled as not visibly trans or gay enough, that's just wrong. I think those people must have the mindset of "my experience is the correct one". I mean, a quick search on Mr Google mostly finds results of knowing since your a kid... And not everyone is like that. Raises hand.. I'm Certainly not like that.
As time goes on, you may feel confident enough to go to LGBT events, and if you decide not to, that's ok too. There's no rule saying you must go.
Personally I don't even want to bring up the subject of trans with my family. I don't see it going down well.. so I understand how that can be a weight on your shoulders.
I do think that the say will come eventually where you can present yourself as you want. Perhaps plan ahead... Maybe write a list of things you would like to wear for when that day comes.
Talk about this here as much as you need to. I'm sure everyone here understands that having somewhere to talk about all of this, can be helpful.
Thank you for responding @shyChestnut9000 as always and I look forward to continuing the conversation.
@generousPineapple6613 I am so sorry I haven't responded in a while! You probably thought I was ghosting you or something! I am so sorry, my life got very chaotic in the past few weeks and I didn't have time to come here. Believe me when I say, I really wanted to come and chat. Thank you for your response. I know it's hard talking about these things and I'm just happy to see your reply.
I try to relate to other trans people but like you said, all the people I meet say they knew they were trans since they were a child. And I'm over here like, I didn't know I was trans until I was an adult, not a teen, but an actual adult. I went to one LGBTQ+ place once and everyone there was a teenager, so I didn't really fit in. I understand what you mean when you say no community is perfect, but I just wish there were more resources for LGBTQ+ adults. That would help a lot.
Another thing is that I don't have any kind of social media besides this account on this website. So someone says "you can find me on" whatever app, and I have to say "I don't have that app". Then I get the look of complete confusion that sometimes makes me laugh. It's like I'm stuck between "do your parents still control your life?" and "are you that old?" because I don't have any social media. I just think spending all day on your phone scrolling isn't good for you. And not having those apps or accounts is healthier for the brain. Either way, I still like this website and wouldn't want it to go away because it's so supportive.
Anyways, I've been ranting, how are you doing? Are you in a good spot at the moment? If you are, what's causing that goodness? If not, are you looking towards a better future? You don't have to answer if you don't want to. I know those questions can sometimes be uncomfortable to answer. I am personally in an "okay" spot at the moment. My life was very chaotic for a few weeks but it's calmed down now. I would say I'm looking towards the summer and just going on vacation with my family in July. They haven't told me where we're going yet, but I look forward to it nonetheless.
Thank you for always responding and I hope to hear from you again. And maybe this time, I'll be able to respond in a timely manner haha Talk to you again soon.
@shyChestnut9000
Don't worry about it. Life gets busy at times, so it's understandable.
Yup. The net is full of pages stating you know when your a child... Which is nonsense. When I was first looking into all of this, I felt I couldn't be trans because of everything I read online. (I apologise if I've said that already)
There is a LGBT meeting in my town, though it's not trans only. I haven't been yet because it's in the evening... and I'm wary of going out in the evening. I do want to go but im undecided for now.
I don't use twitter or ***, but I do have chat apps that I talk to my friends on. I'm not a big fan of social media either. The most I do is watch videos on YouTube.
This site is a good place for ranting, so no need to apologise!
As for me, I'm up and down as usual. Had a few big cries, which helped a bit. I'm trying to get back into playing games again, currently it's a work in progress! I've got a backlog going back a long time so I want to play them.. though my mind keeps going back to stressful thoughts.
I have no holiday plans at the moment. A holiday would be nice but cannot afford it.
It's good that you're in an "okay" spot. Hopefully it can grow into better spot at some point.
Your welcome! It's nice to talk to you here. Let's keep the conversation going