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Boyfriend Is Poly, I’m not, How is this going to work?

User Profile: kennaclaire
kennaclaire June 18th, 2025

So me (F) and my boyfriend (M) have been together for 2 1/2 years. We’re very secure in our relationship. He was planning on prosing to me in August.

Background information, I have a really close friend of mine(F), we’ve been hanging out for 8+ Months, I introduced them to each other because I wanted all of us to hang out and be friends. They started getting close (which is fine, I have full trust in us), but it started getting to the point where it feels as if he is spending more time w her and not me. I asked I’m earlier in our relationship about possibly being poly (I was curious, but not anymore) and he shut it down completely, but now he feels it and I don’t.

PROBLEM

My boyfriend told me one night he had feelings for her, of course I didn’t know what to think, my future fiancé just admitted he had feelings for another woman. I asked him is he poly, he said he thinks he is, only she has made him feel like this. I want him to be happy, and I never want to change someone to be with me. It just hurts so bad knowing a couple weeks ago, we were planning on getting married, now neither of us know what’s going to happen.

He keeps reassuring me that he still loves me, although he keeps saying “things are different now, things won’t ever go back to the they are. This is who I am now”

I’m trying to be supportive, but I am jealous of her, it seems as if he doesn’t want to spend time with me. (We live together as well). I feel myself getting angry when I see her now, which isn’t fair because she was a close friend of mine. I don’t want to hurt either one, but my boyfriend said he’s not giving up his friendship w her and whatever else there is. I want to keep both of them in my life. We all 3 have talked about this several times, he likes her, she likes him as a friend, I want to only marry my boyfriend.

I want us to work but I don’t know what to do, can there be a monogamous/poly relationship? How would this work, I don’t want to give up everything we worked for.

1
User Profile: Aayla
Aayla June 18th, 2025
@kennaclaire mono/poly relationships exist, but personally I've never seen one working. Relationships models that are so different tend to be incompatible. Not because of lack of love or effort, but simply because people have needs, emotions, desires and expectations that are incompatible.
First thing I'd do is to stall the wedding until you figure things out. No need to add the pressure of a wedding to your already difficult situation.
Then, I'd try to imagine how a life like this would look like and what it would entail for you and all people involved. Supposing the situation and his feelings remain the same, how would you feel? Do you think you can handle this type of feelings forever? Of course with time your feelings could evolve too, but that's a big "if", perhaps too much of a gamble to base your marriage on.
Remember that while it's not fair to ask him to change, it's also unfair to ask you to swallow up your feelings and settle for something that hurts, no matter how much you try to shift your perspective.
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