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I feel like I’m hopeless

User Profile: impartialPark8011
impartialPark8011 April 10th

Hello, I’m a girl in my teens, and I’m pretty sure I’m bisexual. Of course knowing yourself properly is more of a legal adult thing, but from my experience, fantasies, and attraction I can say that. One time I was in a relationship with a girl, my only relationship. We were younger, and it was more like a child/teen sweet romance, with nothing more inappropriate than kisses or touches, and some overly big parents’ money spends on each other lol. The problem is, I live in Russia. And from 2022-23, I feel literally haunted. In fact, it’s a double trouble, because instead of me just being a bi, a girl, and a teen, I’m Ukrainian and have PTSD from there. So, in fact, I’m built for anything BUT living in here. I don’t feel like I’ll be accepted, and also all of my friends are now having a relationship, or had their first time, or someone had a crush on them, but I can’t find my person, and no person is finding me as theirs it seems. Made a mistake of telling more than I should about myself, so now it seems like most people I know are now judging me. My parents’ citizenship is local by time, but given the «artificial way», idk how to say it in English. So, one crime from me - they won’t be happy, and surely would need to head back. And uploading representative LGBT/ethnicity media, kissing on the street, sometimes EVEN with a boy as a girl, going protesting, can get me in jail, because I’m already that age I can go in there. I feel like I’ll never experience proper teenage / college romance, because even if that would be a boy, I would be afraid to get prejudice, since bisexuality is stereotyped as «cheater-material» or «a phase». And with a girl, I doubt I’d find anyone. Only if I Immigrate. But if I’d want to go back to Russia or Ukraine or anything nearby after being open, since I’ve always wanted to be a public figure, like maybe a blogger, an actor, a sports player, I wouldn’t be welcome.

P.S : Yeah, I still haven’t told most of my family, so if something happens, not only it’s a potential crime, but a huge surprise within my own house.

Yeah, that really is a thing with «we’re being genocided, even if you live in Russia right now now, you have to rise out population». Not from my family, but some stupid people within my diaspora/refugees from other countries.

And yeah, I did not watch Heater Rivalry before ANYONE comes to say that like my abroad friend did, nor I’d do because it would make me sicker.

1
User Profile: Aayla
Aayla April 10th
@impartialPark8011 that's a very tough position to be in and I'm afraid I can't really give you a "solution", because whatever happens, it's not going to be easy.

One thing that really strikes me is how lucid you are about this all. A lot of people in your place would have a hard time being so honest with themselves, it's very common to be in denial and try to hide the truth not just to other people, but even to themselves. But you acknowledge who you are, you're embracing your identity and you're not letting anything or anyone make you feel like there's something wrong with you. You're very lucid in your assessment of your situation and you don't blame yourself for the obstacles you face, even if you are very aware of what the obstacles are.
It really says a lot about how strong you are. You're facing the truth without letting it crush you, even if it hurts, but you know the problem is the situation you're in, and not your identity itself. 
Young as you are, it really makes me think you're quite a tough and resourceful person and you're well equipped to face whatever comes next.

That doesn't make things easy and it doesn't give you a magical solution, of course. All I can say is: hold on, follow your dreams and ambitions, keep yourself safe but also keep your eyes open for opportunities to express yourself, to do things that make you feel good, and to find a little space of freedom.
There's going to be tough choices to face: if, to whom and when to come out, the decision to move elsewhere or not... There's going to be pros and cons to every choice, so you'll have to weigh the risks and possible gains of every path and decide what is worth taking risks for.

I suppose there also LGBT spaces in Russia, even if they might be more underground to keep everyone safe, but it's ok for you to stay safe for now if you don't feel like taking a chance, especially considering you'd family's situation. But if you ever get the chance of finding "your people", someone with whom you can be yourself and express what you feel, I hope you'll be able to take that chance one day.

I wish I could help you more, but all I can do is give you my support and let you know how strong you look from my viewpoint. If you need to talk, I'm here. 
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