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I'm losing my LGBTQness

User Profile: Mroppy
Mroppy April 13th, 2025

I've come to a point where my default answer in even my head are programmed to be "normal" I've made sure so hard that no one will know in queer that it feels like I'm losing that part myself. It hurts cuz I want to just be open with myself AT LEAST. But I've shunnedmyself so hard. Even with friends I just say I'm queer. Or that I'm just me. Even now I can't even say it. Like I censor myself in diaries and journals cuz in the back of my head my family will find out. Or just the way society is harsh I feel like I will get shunned.

It's like I want to scream who I am. But my throat got cut off. Or I can't say the words I know.

3
User Profile: Aayla
Aayla April 13th, 2025
@Mino1522 I can only imaging how frustrating and alienating it feels. Please, remember that no one has the power to take away who you are. Being queer - whatever your specific identity is - isn't about performance, it's about who you are. That's for you to determine, and no one else.
If you want to get in touch with that part of you again, first of all you have to familiarize with the thought yourself. Silly as it may sound, even just standing in front of the mirror and saying out loud "I am..." can help you get familiar with the thought. Say it, write it, do whatever can make you feel in touch with it. Build yourself a safe space where no one can reach you. And then, only when you feel comfortable enough with saying that to yourself, you can start sharing your identity with others. Reaching out to LGBT circles can help you feel supported and less alone: your experience isn't uncommon at all, not feeling alone can help you feel validated and recognized. And if you don't feel safe sharing this with certain people in your life, you don't have to - you don't owe the truth about yourself to anyone, it's for you to decide who knows about it.
Remember, you are one of us, always!
2 replies
User Profile: Mroppy
Mroppy OP April 13th, 2025

Thanks, it really feels hard since I know who I am, but like I refuse to let me. I'll definitely will start to try to just let myself be comfortable first. Even though it's like a roller-coaster sometimes. But I'm going to try!

1 reply
User Profile: Aayla
Aayla April 13th, 2025
@Mino1522 that's great to hear! Don't beat yourself up if takes time, even a long time. Unlearning the behaviors and thought patterns we developed to protect ourselves is no easy task. Even starting this long journey is already a victory. Be proud of every step! I wish you the best on this long path
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