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I want to change myself

User Profile: thebest141
thebest141 February 12th

I'm 14 yeah, and I've come to the realization that's I don't want to be lesbian matter a fact before I even realized the obvious I knew I wouldn't like this, I understand it's not something I can choose but in the end right now I wish I wasn't this.

Being Gay has only brought unfortunately circumstances to me, from falling out with friends to friends disrespecting me being gay in the means of a joke, and me falling unfortunately falling in love with my best friend, only to end up hurting her feelings just because I couldn't accept myself and love her in public.

My mom doesn't even know nothing about this I tell her everything that happens at school and everyday my mom wish I didn't went to an all girls school and not even 30 minutes ago she just said, "I need to go to your principal and tell her about all the gays that are in your class. I don't want my daughter to turn like them" and her rant went on, which deeply hurts because I'm there right infront of her just there not knowing how to react knowing I'm what she would hate to know.

This isn't the first my mother has done this so I should get used to it by now, and it's not like my father is any better. I know this is selfish, rude, and embarrassing to say but even this has lead me to be a homopobic bully with a low self esteem who surrounds her self with friend who continues to call me homopobic slurs in the means of a joke and has lead me to make some choices I regret but know I'll some how continue to do.

Btw while experiencing this I'm not saying it as an excuse for my behavior because I do know it's wrong.

3
User Profile: Aayla
Aayla February 12th
@thebest141 I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this. A person's orientation is something so harmless, so simple, it doesn't make anyone any better or worse than other people, all this hate makes no sense and I'm so sorry you have to deal with it. It's even worse when it comes from people who are supposed to support you.

I know that you would rather not be the person you are, because it would be much easier. But the point is, it's impossible. No matter how hard you try, you can hide this part of yourself, but you cannot change it. Everyone who's ever tried agrees that repressing a part of you doesn't make it go away. On the contrary, it might only make things worse: there's no hate worse than self-hate.
As long as you know who you are, and you know there's nothing wrong with it, other people can say whatever they won't but you'll still have a chance to be happy with yourself - and eventually, surround yourself with people who love you for who you are. If you hate and repress yourself, you might not hear bad things from others, but you will do that work for them by showing yourself that hate.

That doesn't mean you have to act "out and proud" if you don't feel ready. It's ok to prioritize your safety and emotional wellbeing, and keep that aspect of your identity for yourself until you're in a better place to come out. If keeping it private brings you more relief than being yourself openly, you can wait until you'll be more independent from your family, or until you'll find supportive friends who don't judge queer people. Someone you can open up to, and find acceptance from.

Whatever you choose to do, remember you're not alone. Lots of queer people who eventually found their happiness were once in the same place as you. It might take time, but don't let anyone make you feel like you deserve the hate they give. What you deserve is support, understanding and freedom to be who you are. Don't deprive yourself of the chance to get there, one day.

Best of luck on your journey!
1 reply
User Profile: thebest141
thebest141 OP February 13th

This maybe a from a stranger across to screen but this really does mean a lot to me.

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User Profile: scorpionpolktanktree
scorpionpolktanktree February 18th

@thebest141

first *hug*

second ,its ok to go back and forth and explore things ,you got time and you can see what fits

third your parents sitiuation means you should probably stay in the closet aroud them and wait till you are around those who support if you ever talk about this irl

fourth just experiment ,things arent set in stone just look into this and that and try this and that at your pace and comfort level and see what fits

fifth labels are things made to simplify the world ,you are young enough that you dont need them just yet so dont think in terms am i X or Y just in terms of what feels good and right

and hey even if you turn out to be ot lgbt at all ,you have experimented and tried,something most never even think about 

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