To run away
Hi, Im Aly and Im a trans girl that hasnt started on HRT yet, and I think I need to vent a little.
Lately, my grandfather (from my mother's side) has been writting a book about his hometown and his family. Long story short, the book ends with my generation (me and my cousins), for us to continue writting it in a future, the thing is he has put photos of every family member (since his grandfather all the way to me) and that made me realise one thing: when I transition, those photos and my name will have to change. Now, my grandfather has always been someone I've looked up to, and I know that he will respect me, but it makes me kinda sad that his work will suddenly have to change because of me.
Also, this past weekend I went to visit my family (father's side), and I realised that I do not fit in. I've never did fit in with my father's side of the family, but now suddenly feels a lot more intense.
Those two things have made me realise that a lot will change after I transition, the whole lot of explanations that will be needed, the awkward conversations, etc, etc... I do not fit in, not with my father's side of the family, nor with my friends group, the only space I feel accepted is with my mother's side of the family, my fondest memories are in the dining table with my family. Now Im terrified about that never being the same due to my transition, because although I know that they might accept me, nothing will ever be the same.
I dont want to be a burden for the people that have only showed me love, so I've been wondering. Lately I've been on edge (getting angry at little things, being a *** to my family, etc...) and I've been fantasizing about living alone, now I see this situation and I wonder, maybe its best for everybody if I just dissappear, take the first train to far far away and keep on with my life away from everybody. Probably the only thing stopping me from doing so is my cousin, I wouldnt want to leave her, but running away seems so sweet.
For the past years I've been trying to fight this fantasy, thinking that I shouldnt care about what other people think about me, and that I should just cut 'toxic' relationships and be myself, but I do care. Im still the 'people pleaser' I've been my whole life. Im still friends with someone who spread hurtful rumours about me, who talked behind my back to the point of breaking a whole friend group, and who makes daily comments that directly attack both my gender identity and my sexuality. My 'best friends' are two guys that made my two last years of highschool a living ***, humilliating me because of what I liked (shows, videogames, books...), feeding up my anger issues and leaving me unable to express what I love. I still live with my father's wife every two weeks, a woman who's been ruining my life since my father decided to cheat on my mother with her, since I was 9, and I have never even dared to argue with her.
I think it will be better for the people around me (and for myself) for them to just think I dissappeared instead of knowing that Im trans. At least it will be less complicated. I want to start over. I know is selfish, and I really dont want to leave my cousin, but probably, if given the chance, I would run away.
@AlyOneDay
It wouldn't be better if you ran away.
You are not an inconvenience.
You are dealing with feeling who you are .
What makes you comfortable.
And it'll take adjustment and communication and compassion on all sides but you have to be true to yourself 💙
Thanks<3<3<3
I'll try to keep that in mind for the future<3
@AlyOneDay
🩷🤗
@AlyOneDay
Chào Aly, mình đã đọc những tâm sự của bạn và thực sự cảm thấy thương cho những gì bạn đang phải gồng gánh. Bạn không hề ích kỷ khi muốn tìm kiếm sự bình yên cho riêng mình, và bạn cũng không phải là gánh nặng làm hỏng bất cứ điều gì của gia đình cả. Tình yêu mà ông nội dành cho bạn lớn lao hơn nhiều so với những tấm hình hay một cái tên trong sách. Đừng để những người đối xử tệ với bạn làm bạn quên mất rằng bạn xứng đáng được yêu thương và tôn trọng vì chính con người thật của mình. Mình luôn ở đây nếu bạn cần một nơi để trút lòng.💓🌊🍎
Thanks sea<3<3
Its always nice to hear from you again, Im still struggling to figure out what to do with my life after this few months but Im trying to stay positive.
Im also trying to work on my relationships, looking for people that treats me right.
Thank you again <3<3<3
I bet that your mom's side of the family will understand and I totally understand that it might take time to adjust. Im lilly im 13 and im thinking about going through the Trans process. Neither side of my families support me but if I dont feel comfortable in my own skin than im going to make it so I can feel comfortable weather they like it or not. At the end of the day you are you and there's nothing anyone can say that can change it. If you feel that you wanna start over and forget about it all than that's what you should do. Im here for you if you ever have to talk, vent, or need advice.
Sending all the love.💖💖🫂🫂
Hello, Aly!
You are not a burden AT ALL! You deserve a family that cherishes you for who you are, and not who they expect you to be. You say some of your family members are/could be accepting and supportive, so please do not deny yourself their support, or an opportunity to experience it, you are not a burden on them either.
Living in a family-oriented culture or just having very strong ties with family members could condition people into putting their family members' feelings/reputation in front of their own. I understand how that feels. I bet if you had a family member come out to you, you'd support them. Would you consider them a burden? Probably not. So why would you be a burden?
You don't need to run away or cut everyone off in advance. I hope you are safe, if not right now, whenever you are safe and whenever it feels right, you can have a conversation with them. Some people truly react in surprising ways (both good and bad). I had people who seemed accepting be very bigoted, but I also had people change their minds and go from bigoted to accepting (and even turn out to be LGBTQ themselves lol). As long as you are safe and not risking your life, give yourself a chance to see how your family and friends will react. You can later decide who does and doesn't belong in your life. Do not torture yourself. You deserve a good life.
Hello, Aly!
You are not a burden AT ALL! You deserve a family that cherishes you for who you are, and not who they expect you to be. You say some of your family members are/could be accepting and supportive, so please do not deny yourself their support, or an opportunity to experience it, you are not a burden on them either.
Living in a family-oriented culture or just having very strong ties with family members could condition people into putting their family members' feelings/reputation in front of their own. I understand how that feels. I bet if you had a family member come out to you, you'd support them. Would you consider them a burden? Probably not. So why would you be a burden?
You don't need to run away or cut everyone off in advance. I hope you are safe, if not right now, whenever you are safe and whenever it feels right, you can have a conversation with them. Some people truly react in surprising ways (both good and bad). I had people who seemed accepting be very bigoted, but I also had people change their minds and go from bigoted to accepting (and even turn out to be LGBTQ themselves lol). As long as you are safe and not risking your life, give yourself a chance to see how your family and friends will react. You can later decide who does and doesn't belong in your life. Do not torture yourself. You deserve a good life.
The running away feels really relatable. I just went through a week of trying to plan to move out without my parents knowing and now I’m not comfortable living alone. I would love to run away instead of other people I’ve known my whole life know who I really am.
Hey Aly I’m sorry that your going through this and I’m glad that your mother side is open but know that it’s your life not your family’s and you should be free to be who you want to be.
Sending you blessings and good fortune your way
