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Venting

User Profile: agreeableSkies9889
agreeableSkies9889 April 2nd

TW: Dysphoria

I hate myself in this current form so much. I'm so confused and I feel like I have no space to be me. I hate my body, it's disgusting. I look so masculine and I hate it. Yesterday I cried for like an hour because I looked in the mirror. I hate how I feel like I always have to put on a mask around literally everyone I've ever met, it's so draining. I'm happy I'm finally starting therapy but I'm not sure how much longer I can do this. I can't lie anymore. I just wish the people I currently have in my life would love me for who I've always wanted to be but honestly I don't know if they would even talk to me let alone stay at home. They're all I have and I genuinely love them. I'm so stressed. I have a panic attack every time I go to the bathroom at work. I hate this. I feel nothing like myself. I don't know what to do. I just hope that it'll get better. I'm so happy that I have an app with a bunch of awesome people right now to talk to though, I really need it right now. I feel so overwhelmed and like this is going to be the hardest part of my life the next year or so and I'm not prepared for it. I know I'm going to have to come out eventually. For now I'm just trying to comfort myself and be kind.

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User Profile: Aayla
Aayla April 2nd
@agreeableSkies9889 I'm sorry that something that should be as natural as living life as your true self is taking such a toll on you. You being yourself is something that no one should ever hate or discriminate you for. The world we live in, as it currently is, is not a place that deserves you - not the other way around. 

But you are so strong, you are doing so much to take care of yourself the best you can in your current situation, you're building a path for you that will eventually lead to living your life freely, without having to hide. It's a long road, and it might feel like it's never gonna end or you're not gonna find what you dreamed of at the end of the road. I can't predict the future, but I can tell you that the steps you're taking are fundamental to building a future where you can be yourself. In the long run, being your true self openly will be worth it. It's not going to be easy, but you deserve a chance to be free. Freedom takes courage, but it's the only journey that can make you truly happy in the end.

Facing family is tough. Maybe you can try coming out to other people first, like trusted friends who you know to be supportive of queer people, or the queer community itself - whether in person or online. Exchanging experiences and advice can make you feel less alone. It also helps to see that other people were able to make it and find their place in the world, even people who once felt as overwhelmed as you are now.

And remember, you don't have to come out until you feel safe and comfortable enough to do so. Maybe you can gradually let your family know that you've been struggling with certain things, so that when you finally say what it's all about, it won't be a total surprise for them. But it's up to you to decide how to handle it, if and when it's safe to do so, and when you feel ready.

Just remember to not let anyone or anything make you feel like it's wrong to be who you are. Don't let them get to your head. Show yourself love, take care of yourself and remember you're not alone in this.
1 reply
User Profile: agreeableSkies9889
agreeableSkies9889 OP April 2nd

Thanks for the advice! Being queer is really confusing and scary. I'm happy to know I'm not alone ❤️

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User Profile: Amanda84
Amanda84 April 2nd

@agreeableSkies9889

🥺

Youve really has a bad day.

It's heartbreaking to see how low you've been.

And sad, crying, alone.

You deserve to be loved for you.

And I'm sorry looking in the mirror was so confronting and it didn't make you feel like you.

When feelings are so intense and overwhelming , it's more important than ever to be kind to yourself and not feed into the negative imagery 💛

i-love-you-love-you.gif

2 replies
User Profile: agreeableSkies9889
agreeableSkies9889 OP April 2nd

Thank you so much. I feel so alone right now I won't lie. It feels like the whole world is against me but this app makes me hopeful that it isn't. Idk. I had the day off and that's a part of the reason I feel terrible because being around my family really brings me down right now. Thank you for all your really nice comments! They mean a lot ❤️

1 reply
User Profile: Amanda84
Amanda84 April 2nd

@agreeableSkies9889

A pleasure 💛

It can be hardest being around the people that should love us the most, when they don't live up to it 💛

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