What should I do
I'm confused about my gender. I've been for years now. I was sure I was a male trans but I haven't been brave enough to stand up for myself, to face people's judgment and disapproval. So I became more femenine, let my hair grow and started to do my makeup. Convinced myself it was just a phase due to trauma and buried those thoughts deep inside. But somehow, everytime I watch someone transisionating, coming out of the closet and being who they truthly are I get envious. I'm not sure what should I do, because I've tried in the past many times to come out of the closet and ended up backing down, coming inside again because none of my close friends or family respects who I am. And I'm sure that if I do it again, nobody will take me seriously because of how many times I've been confused and all.
@Maxi707 I'm so sorry that you're not in a position where you can freely express yourself, I know how hard it is and how it can take a toll on you. If you want to talk about it, I'm here. Not having someone by your side to support you is tough, and you deserve to be listened, welcomed and understood for who you are.
None of this is your fault. You are who you are, the truth about yourself is inside you and you've always felt it, no matter how the world around perceives you. The way others see you is not who you are. The things you do to adapt to the world around you and stay safe are not who you are. Who you are is what you feel, it's the person you envision yourself to be in a world where there's total freedom and no judgment. Imagine yourself in a place like that, and let your vision tell you who you truly are. that is your identity.
If people around you don't understand, it doesn't have to affect the way you see yourself. You deserve to do things that make you feel free, be it showing your gender throw physical appearance, or looking out for people who can truly embrace you. I don't know if you've ever had the chance to get in contact with the LGBT community through places like queer associations or circles near your city, but that might be a good place to start forming connections with people with whom you can be yourself. Even if it's just a few people at first, even if it's not easy forming a solid support community around you, making that first step can truly be helpful.
And with someone supportive by your side, with time you can consider trying to come out with less supportive people in your life, because facing that is easier when you have a support network to catch you if things don't go well at first.
Still, you don't owe a coming out to anyone, not until you feel like it's truly the best thing for you. What you owe yourself is accepting and embracing who you are, without letting anyone or anything decide that for you.
I'm here for you if you need it. I wish you all the best on your journey.
@Maxi707
The most fundamental need we have is belonging. It sounds like you don't have a "tribe" of close friends and family, that would support someone like yourself through a coming out process.
There is no shame in back down from coming out. You probably are trans. If you thought about it this much, and contemplated coming out, it's there! It's you, and it's wonderful!
What you should get real with is why you are not coming out. And that's because you are choosing familiarity, fear of social isolation, fear of rejection, and belonging. There is no shame in recognizing the consequences of following through with this choice of transition.
I would work on building secure attachment relationships and support systems. People in your immediacy that are pro-trans and non-judgemental. Because it sounds to me like the real reason you are holding back is the support system just isn't there to hold space for you. So get your hammer and start building some supports. Metaphorically ofc