Need some advice as a parent of a gay daughter
Hi.
My 14 year old daughter just recently came out to me and her mother as gay. She told us that she wants to make some major changes like changing her wardrobe/clothing choices, and also cutting her hair.
The only problem is I’m against this, because of my conservative beliefs. My wife is fully supporting this but I just quite wrap my head around it.
I know the answer may be simple, but I just need some advice on how to move forward with this.
I’m not a parent but I’ll share my thoughts as a 29 y/o female, also more towards the conservative side. I would let her cut her hair and wear what she wants, hair grows back and clothes can be changed. Nothing she is doing is irreversible.
I have a few lesbian friends that have short hair and dress more masculine and they describe the day they made the change as one of their favorite days. Don’t take that away from her, support her even if you’re just faking it.
You don’t want to ruin your relationship with your daughter, you don’t want her looking back when she’s my age with bitter memories wishing you would’ve acted different. Let her remember you as the supportive dad that always stood by her and loved her unconditionally. She has probably been rehearsing how to tell you for weeks, she trusts you and you need to cherish that.
Thank you for your input. That’s a really good point you made. I do love her and all I want for her is to be successful and happy in life. I’m probably not gonna agree with everything she does, but if this is how she’ll be happy then I’ll let her do her thing. I’ll love her as long as she’s not hurting anyone.
@NickM25 and please lets not forget this current spike in personality identity exploration is about forming personality, its about SELF and not the rest of the world. It is the individual asserting a higher level of closure with oneself. It is not irreversible. Its also not about YOU. Parents too often assume that all behavior is acting out when it comes to their kids. Sometimes it is but mostly the parents will sense it. Pot was a once a negative and hysterical item in my household and now its so accepted I don't care anymore. So let it happen...
hi. i am also a gay daughter that is similar age range to your daughter so i can give you a bit of perspective
her coming out to you was a really big step and shows that she trusts you enough to let you know. this is really important because it shows you’ve created an environment where she’s comfortable to tell you that.
hair grows back and clothes will have to be bought anyways as she grows up, i would recommend letting her make these changes. she’s finding herself and it’s critical you let her know that you love her through it all. let her be herself!!
i understand your conservative point of view as well, my family is very. but you can be conservative and still love and support your daughter. trust that she knows what she’s doing and ensure her that you are proud of her
that’s about all i can say. you don’t want her to think back to her memories with you and have them ruined because of your different beliefs. best of luck and i’m here to answer any other questions!
Thank you so much for this. And I’m still going to love her. This whole situation just came out of nowhere and wasn’t really expected from her. I do want what’s best for her and I do realize I’m not gonna like everything she does in life. If this is her way of being happy then I’ll have to go against my beliefs to make her happy, which I realized isn’t such a bad thing considering I want to be a father she looks up to and knows is there when she needs it most.
@NickM25
@NickM25
love your daughter for who she is
Okay, so first of all, let me tell you: It is a GOOD decision to actually ask for other people‘s advice and thankfully accepting it. There are way too many people who are too stubborn with this, and what you have showed is that you are willing to change yourself or your beliefs to help your daughter. That might sound like something really easy, but it is not. You being so open and honest shows that you really are a good person. Asking in a LGBTQ forum is a really good idea.
I, as a bisexual, can tell you: your daughter will remain your daughter. Maybe, someday, she will ask you to call her „son“. That is okay. This child is still yours, it is part of your family. Sexuality does not influence her love for you. And, hopefully, it will not influence your love for her.
Moreover, it is entirely possible to be conservative and have and love a gay daughter. She does not do this to attack you. She just does not love the way you love, but still, she loves. And Love, deep, pure love, is something all humans share. Do not focus on the values that differ her from other girls, focus on your bond and what makes her similar to you.
Lastly, if you will still have trouble, talk to her and maybe also your wife. Please do not insult her, explain your feelings calmly and ask her for advice. Tell her to help you. If you explain your feelings like you did here, she should totally be able to understand you. Trust me, it is so much better to have somebody actively talking to you about this than seeing that person think it to him or herself. Somebody who you thought was conservative actively taking a step towards you and talking rationally, considering you and listening to you shows how much that person loves you.
I hope you both will be fine!
