Internalised homophobia?
So ever since i figured out that i wasn't straight there was always a part of me that hated who i really am. I don't often tell others about it because it seems so silly, i have really supportive people in my life. Even with all the support around me i secretly just wish i was straight, i don't really know why too. I have thought before that maybe if i just act straight it will eventually make me straight. Sometimes i will look at myself in the mirror and just think 'ew i look like such a **insert homophobic slur**' of course i hate slurs and i would never use them to describe anyone else but sometimes it is genuinely the way that i feel about myself. I don't know if this is internalised homophobia or not but if anyone has any advice on not hating your sexuality that would be much appreciated :)
I get it: society is still so widely homophobic that we can end up internalizing some of it even if we have supportive people in our life. I went through something similar when I started realizing my bisexuality. I was supportive of LGBT people but I couldn't accept being one of them, because I've always been very insecure and I was afraid of being different, in a world were being different can be really hard. And I eventually learned to accept and embrace my sexuality!
First of all, remember these feelings are irrational: a good way to find them is fighting them with rationality. Whenever you have negative feelings about your orientation, ask yourself what reason is there for it. Of course there's is none, and if you keep responding to your negative feelings with this question, you can start getting familiar with sort of mentality!
Also, ask yourself why you want to be straight. I bet you'll realize it has to do with external reasons: what others may think, how easier are things for straights...But repressing an important part of you because someone else has a problem with it may seem "comfortable" at first, but deep down, you'd just be hurting. Both hiding your identity and living it openly are not easy choices, it's all about deciding which one is worth the effort, which one can ultimately make you happier. And I think deep down, you already know what you want. So allow yourself to fantasize about it: visualize yourself living a happy life with a woman you love, let yourself free to explore what could happen if you decide to embrace your identity. With time, it can help you building up the strength to accept who you are, because you'll understand how things can be and what you really want.
Also, whenever you feel ready, you can consider coming out to the person that you trust the most with this, someone close and supportive. Feeling their support and acceptance can help you accept yourself too!
With all my heart, I wish you the best!
@Aayla
Thank you, you made some really good points that i hadn't thought of before which has actually really helped :)
@enthusiasticSea1000
Hey, I am right there with you. I am really religious, which doesnt help with anything at first. But after I realized I started a lesbian group chat with some of my really close friends, I began to listen to wlw music- which honestly helped A TON and began to normalize it, also watching movies that are wlw, there is a free version of The incredibly true story of 2 girls in love on youtube. I think the best cure to my internalized homophobia was exposing myself to lesbian culture, again music, television, movies, tiktok/social media, poetry(HIGHLY suggest eileen myles, just give her a shot!), literature, and also looking up historical women that were gay. I know it doesnt immidiatly solve our homophobia issues,but realizing that we arent alone, and have never been alone helps a lot! Sometimes it is hard, even with having a girlfriend- but we will be able to knock down those walls!
