Internalized homophobia and having slightly homophobic friends? (kinda long?)
Okay. I'm new to this site so bear with me. But like I realized that I'm dealing with a lot of internalized homophobia. And it isn't like my family isn't accepting of me they all support me and supported me when I came out. But sometimes I feel like I'm faking it. Like I say I'm a lesbian, but I thought I genuinely liked that boy in middle school and I like when that guy gives me attention. But I don't think I'd ever want anything from it? It's confusing.
Also I've had a friend of almost 3 years. I came out about a year and a half ago but didn't really get close until the last few month. But it always seems weird near her. She cringes when me and another friend (bi) talk about girls and will intentionally try to leave me out when they talk about guys. Claiming "she didn't think I'd want to hear about it cause I'm gay and it might make me uncomfortable". And that feels like a direct jab at I don't want to talk about your stuff cause I'm straight. I've insisted many times I want to be included but she just seems offed by my presence.
@SavScha
Hi, welcome 😊
I totally get that it can be confusing to see yourself as gay but have certain feelings not really fitting in that idea. I've had a crush on a girl too, before I realised I was gay. The important thing to remember is that these are all labels, made up by people to make sense of a vast and often confusing world. They help simplify things for some people, but that doesn't mean you're not an individual with your own complex feelings, that don't always fit a one word label.
And about that friend, that sounds like pretty passive aggressive behaviour. Imagine that behaviour about any other subject and it would be quite rude at best, and demeaning at worst. She's making you feel unwanted and that not what friends should do.
Anyway, sorry for the rambling. Feel free to talk with me some more if you feel like, I'm all ears 😋
@Madaraismyspiritanimal okay. Thank you a lot. Its nice to know Im not the only one who has had this struggle too.
I'm glad to hear you have a supportive family! But internalized homophobia is tricky, anyone can be affected by it, regardless of how supported they are. Thinkin you are not "gay enough" is a form of internalized homophobia too, and being aware of it is the first step of getting rid of the negative feelings, step by step!
Think of this: your orientation is simply what you feel you are, what you think desribes you best. No one gets to say you're not "gay enough". As for the specific points you make, having a crush on a boy when you were still figuring yourself out doesn't make you any less lesbian. There are so many homosexuals who had crushes/feelings for someone of the opposite gender before realizing their sexuality, it's more common than you think and it's definitely not an indicator that you aren't "gay enough". And being flattered when someone likes you doesn't necessarily have to be related with your sexuality - it's ok to just enjoy it when people like you, regardless of who they are. It can be a nice feeling even if you don't like them in the same way.
As for your friend, I'm sorry to hear about that, it sounds like she's uncomfortable with your sexuality and/or doesn't know how to deal with it, and that definitely doesn't make you feel at ease. The best I can think of is to try to talk to her about it, peacefully but sincerely, you can tell her that you noticed she doesn't seem comfortable and you'd like to talk about it, to hear what she feels and see what you can do to deal with it. It might be a difficult conversation, but it's important to try to sort these things out before they get too hard to endure. And maybe it could also be a chance for her to confront her own feelings and reflect on things she didn't consider before.
@Aayla Thanks. It's a lot to think about but this really helps. I'm gonna try to talk to her when I get the chance to. :)
Hi there
As a fellow lesbian i completely understand what you're saying. I have complete breakdowns sometimes because i feel alone with my sexuality and i don't like that I'm not straight. I think this is due to the hetero-normative world be live in, where if you're anything but heterosexual or cisgender you are no longer 'normal' in they eyes of society. Just so you know, you are still 'normal' and there is nothing wrong with you for being lgbtq+.
Also, it sounds to me like your friend is just a little uncomfortable with the idea of two girls dating. They probably aren't homophobic, but they probably don't really know how to act when those types of topics arise. I would recommend having a chat with them about how you feel, you're not alone in this i promise 😊