Lesbian sex issues
I have been with my girlfriend for 1 year & 6 months now & my previous relationship was with a man (for 7 years). I’m a female by the way.
When we first met she wouldn’t let me touch her or anything, she would only have sex with me. She said she didn’t want to ‘give herself to me’ that early on in the relationship until she felt comfortable, so she only touched me. & before me I know she’s slept with a lot of girls, which made me feel insecure anyway.
Anyway, we are now over a year in the relationship & it’s a real serious relationship. She knows my body down to a T & knows how to make me orgasm everytime. But I still haven’t got the hang of it :( she gets frustrated with me because I never do anything right when we are having sex. At the beginning of the relationship she used to get really angry with me & make me cry saying I’m bad in bed & I’m selfish. But I just can’t seem to get the hang of it.
Don’t get me wrong, I have made her cum a fair amount of times but it’s nothing compared to her with me. She even guides me through it & she just doesn’t like anything I do to her. I don’t know what more to do because it’s absolutely destroyed all my confidence in the bedroom that I used to have before I met her. & now I get crazy anxiety every time I even think about coming onto her, incase she says I’m shit again and rejects me.
This morning she said we have to have a “rule” now that I have to make her cum or she won’t touch me in bed anymore. It breaks my heart to know that she thinks I’m that bad in bed. & she also said this morning that she used to let all her previous girlfriends have sex with her all the time.
I have no-one I can talk to about this because all of my friends are straight and I just don’t know what else to do... it’s driving me crazy and I’m scared it’s going to cost our relationship because of it.
Please please pleassssse can a lesbian gal out there help me out!!! :(
@Britishuser100
I hope you were able to have someone reach out to you about this.
The guilt and shame that comes with making mistakes or "being bad in bed" makes it so hard to initiate sex because your confidence is ruined. I feel this way too and it's so difficult. You truly deserve to be with someone who makes you feel safe, not one that gives you ultimatum and says cruel things. I hope you can find enjoyment in sex again eventually.
@Britishuser100
Hi,
I can really hear how much this is affecting you and my heart went out to you when you said that she was putting you down, and saying that you just don't do it right! I think anyone would feel really upset and lost if that's the kind of feedback they had. Sex is causing such performance anxiety for you, and it's like a vicious circle - the more you are chastised, the harder it is to feel the natural, passionate, and beautiful experience that it should be.
I want you to know that you're not alone in feeling some kind of disparity between you in bed. My partner is amazing with me in bed (she's better than I am with myself), and also has a higher sex drive, so sometimes I feel inadequate with her too. I also have quite a low sex drive - maybe once a month - so she feels that her sexual needs are neglected sometimes too.
It sounds like she's very specific about what she likes/wants which is putting extra pressure on you as well. I was wondering about how to get it to the stage where you're feeling a lot more relaxed and free to explore her body without being criticised? I was wondering maybe about suggesting that you wanted to try some things on her, but that you wanted to be a bit more in control - partly because it's quite hot when your partner is "on top", but also it gives you permission to try without having the negative consequences. This might not be the same for you, but when I'm not feeling particularly sexy, (and I imagine performance pressure will do this), I have to warm myself up a bit just to get myself in the "zone" - so lots of foreplay, kissing, teasing - and just get a feel for her when she moves to something you do with her. I think also having an idea of what she def doesn't want/like is something handy to know before hand. It sounds like the way it has developed is that she knows your body really well, but you haven't been able to have that experience because she denied you in that important exploratory step to begin with.
I think one of the most difficult things with sex is sometimes you like one thing, and some times you like another depending on your mood, what you're thinking, how sexy you feel - so it's always going to be the case that you move up and down the ladder in terms of how much stimulation you want/like at a specific time. So, it takes all kinds of things in bed - she usually senses when I want more of something non-verbally, because my body and my movement changes, but when something isn't working, I'll tend to say "be gentle" to let her know which stage I'm at. You can't expect your partner to completely mind-read where you're at, and it takes gentle and sensitive communication throughout.
It might be that you're just really expressive about what you like, whereas you're not sensing a lot of feedback from your partner - in which case, that's something to talk about together. We tend to have a little sexy dialogue between us when it's unclear, I just say "gently" if I'm not quite ready for anything too overstimulating, my partner tends to be verbal when she wants more!. Also sex doesn't always have to include an orgasm, for us - we're both quite tricky emotionally, and we reassure each other when it's just kinda not happening and have lots of cuddles and pillow talk anyway - maybe that's something you can work into your relationship?
So, please don't feel you're alone with this, you're not a failure in bed at all, it's just that the communication has broken down - you've both got upset, and it's going to take some gentle communication and just feeling safe and loved with each other to get things rolling the way you both want!