My heart feels heavy all the time because of her.

Hi there, i'm really new to this community, i don't even know what to call myself, i'm straight all my life until i met her, i'm a single mom, i've been married once and separated. I came here in a foreign country to work far from my family for a more stable income.

I met Mimi here (not her real name), we work together, we got along so well, she is a lesbian and i knew her preference from the very start, she has a long time gf which lives with, everything is so good between us, our job is so hard as healthcare workers but we help and support each other all the time, i was so happy that i got to work with her because she's really a good person, i never met someone like her, her gf is so lucky to have her, we are so close like siblings, so comfortable we naturally hold hands and hug each other anytime, we talk about everything, she often tell me that her relationship with her gf is so toxic that she tried to break up with her alot of times but she just won't let her go, i personally knew her gf because we've met each other before and became friends because of Mimi, until things got complicated and her gf develop feelings for me then kissed me, which i totally refused, told her im straight and its impossible for me to return those feelings, i rejected her and stay away from her, eventually she took back what she said and tell me she's just confused and infatuated with me and tell me that she loves Mimi so much, i didn't tell Mimi about this since i don't want to add chaos on their struggling relationship.

I continued my smooth friendship with Mimi, we see each other everyday, needless to say i depend a lot on her i'm so happy to be by her side, until the time she had to decide to renew or end her current contract, two years had gone so fast for us, her gf forced her to end her contract because she wanted to resign herself and so they can go back to our country and apply for a new job in another country, Mimi told me she doesn't want to leave me alone here, but because of the preasure and all their relationship problems it has gone too far and it's now affecting her mental health, so she just let her decide and ended up not signing another contract.

Days goes by and as her last day nears, i feel so bad, i think about it all the time, i even cried alone, i can't accept it, like i don't wanna be away from her but i told her that whatever her decision is, i will support her, i started getting confused of how i really feel for her, until her last day she showed me how much she cared for me, she even visited me home before she left to hug me and tell me how much she will miss me.

Then she goes back to our country she sends me messages all the time, we talk on video calls at least 4 hours a day, i miss her like crazy, then i told her that i'm feeling something strange for her, that the moment she left i felt my heart crumbling, she then started to tear up and told me that she loves me, that she loves me so much for the last 2 years and never told me about it because i always tell her that im straight and all my affections were given as a friend, she told me that she struggled the whole time trying to fight her feelings and hide it from me, she told me that i'am one of the constant reasons of her quarrels with her gf, she told me that she broke up with her a lot of times because of me, because she only thinks of me all the time she's with her. I cried a lot that night, i only think of us and everything we should have done together, i feel bad that i had to realize all of this after she left.

After all the realization, she told me that she loves me so much and that she wants to fight for us, i told her that i love her and i'm willing to fight for her, i know that not everyone will understand and will agree with my decisions at this point, i'm bound to ruin a 3 years relationship, but my heart wants to be with her, so we took the risk, Mimi broke up with her gf again, and as usual she won't let her go, she hurts herself, she bruises her whole arm, her family is devastated, until the truth came out, they eventually knew about me, Mimi's gf sent me threatening messages, all her friends knew about us and got angry with me. We promised to be strong and everything will be fine soon.

At this point i had to tell Mimi about what happened between me and her gf before, i want her to hear it from me because she might tell Mimi anytime. Mimi was so shocked she had no idea, she confronted her and she told Mimi that whatever happened between us was something that i like, which is not true, i never liked her more than a friend, Mimi got frustrated with whats happening, she cannot believe it at once, i understand. Things just got a little bit more complicated.

Mimi and i are still struggling right now, the thing is Mimi and her now ex-gf is set to travel to another country to work (both on same workplace) Everything is set before they finally broke up (all documents and fees are settled) i hate the idea but i had to trust her and her ex-gf is still furious with me, she even told me that she will never forgive me and we will never be happy while she's alive, i understand where she's coming from, eventually she told Mimi that the moment they go to other country she will finally let her go completely, i'm not sure if i can trust her words, but Mimi told me that if i cant trust her ex-gf at least i should trust her, because we're fighting for this together. They're flight is scheduled 5 days from now.

At this very moment my heart is still very heavy, i love Mimi so much, this is my first time feeling this way for a girl and i swear i can't imagine being with someone else other than her, it just feels so heavy right now because this is also my first long distance relationship and i haven't adjusted yet and this relationship has a lot of complications and issues. I really want to fight for it, but i feel like im bound to get hurt real bad. I could use some of your advice, please enlighten me. Thanks in advance.