Confused about gender/sexuality
Hey! So I’ve been looking for a really good, knowledgeable LGBTQ community, and I’m glad I found this forum, because I have some questions about myself. I’m AFAB, and questioning my gender and sexuality a lot right now. I currently identify as a demi-girl and bi, but I’m kind of wondering if I’m not, and also how my parents would react (I told my mom that I think I’m bi, and she was fine with it, but I haven’t talked about my gender).
Sexuality: I assumed I was bi because I’ve had a crush on a girl and a boy. The girl I like is bi and with her nonbinary partner, which made me really jealous when she got together with them. I’ve only liked one girl, but I feel like I prefer women over men? And that if I ended up with someone it would be a woman. I almost never find men attractive, (kinda lowkey hate men) and I don’t like the idea of being with one, so would I be lesbian? Like I’ve realized that I kinda really want to be with a girl but would it count if I only had one crush? And I also haven’t had a crush on anyone I haven’t known for a long time (this girl, for a year, and a boy I’ve known since I was really young). I’d say I had a crush on a male anime character and a video game character, but they’re fake men so idk?? Anyway I might be demi-romantic then, bc I only have crushes on those I have bonds with and I’m not usually attracted to celebrities or random people? I have been attracted to a few girls before, I think. could someone be bi and prefer women?? (I also read a ton of gay romance specifically yuri, and I kind of want a relationship with a woman like in those yuri) idk if I like nonbinary people, because I’ve not met many but maybe?? That would make me pan I suppose.
I also feel like this is just a phase, because it’s only the past like week or so I’ve begun seriously considering ending up with a woman and before I suppose it never felt as strong? I do have phases where I feel more…how do I put it…more inclined towards wanting to have a partner, like asap?
I also doubt a lot if my crushes are actually crushes. I’m inclined to say they would be, because it feels different from friendship and I really would like to be in a relationship with them.
Gender: over the past months I’ve been more and more uncomfortable with being called “girl”, “daughter” and “she”. Like it makes me internally mad and uncomfortable and kind of itchy? I also hate my birth name and I’ve started going by Charlie online to try it out (I kind of love it? Because it’s gender neutral but also feminine a little) But I don’t want to make my mom upset that I hate my name or that I don’t feel like a woman. I mean I kind of do? I identify with them in some ways and I like some feminine clothes but I don’t feel like one sometimes? I kind of want to be called “they/them” sometimes but then I’m worried I would be wrong or not actually nonbinary and just a confused cis girl. I do have periods where I feel more feminine and like an idiot but then I go back to feeling less so.😭
I’m not really worried about coming out if I do discover a label that feels right (I know you don’t have to come out) because my parents are supportive of lgbtq, my mom is even reading a book about gender. However she doesn’t understand fully gender vs sex and my dad wants to know why being trans isn’t considered a mental illness. Plus if I was nonbinary would I be trans?? I don’t want to choose the wrong labels and I feel kind of stupid for even trying them out or being proud of something I am not…because I don’t want to reflect badly on the community if I’m wrong. I’ll find a label and think it sounds right and then I’ll be mistaken - I used to think I was aroace, but then I realized I actually do have feelings for people and want relationships. I wish I hadn’t said I was, because then I was kind of written off by my crush before I knew I liked her, and now my opportunity is gone. I know I probably should just go with my gut and change labels if they don’t feel right, but I’m just so confused…
I’m sorry if this is so confusing or I sound weird, I’M CONFUSING but any help, resources or just reassurance would be wonderful! Thank you ❤️
@clementiny I am a man and went through some experiences that were pushed on me as a kid. In later teen years it lead to me drinking to forget but in that process I drunkenly engaged in more and various experiences that I again drank for years to forget. I am now sober and I am trying to accept and deal with the memories, emotions and feelings honestly and openly. I have found that some of the memories that involved certain but not all of the guys, a trans and once a dual genitalia person are actually intriguing now to the point that it turns me on. I never identified as gay and it is confusing to me that I have this reaction to those memories and I have so many questions but don’t know who or how to ask. Any input would be appreciated.
@clementiny I understand your confustion. There's so many labels, some of them very similar, so it gets confusing. My advice is to not worry about them. Don't worry about what you're called. Concentrate on yourself and your feelings. If you don't journal, maybe start a daily log with how you feel both about others and yourself. This will give you a baseline to work with.
Given what you've written I would say you're not trans. That's more feeling like you're in the wrong body but you just seem to feel more or less feminine on different days. Again, keeping a log will help down the road to explore all of this.
Since you mentioned 'aroace' I'm going to assume you know there's a difference between romantic and sexual attraction. Wanting to be in a relationship is more romatic than sexual. That took me a long time to really understand. So when you're examining those feelings pay attention to your body. It's entirely possible to be ace and demi-romantic. It's frustrating, I know, but these aren't questions others can answer for you.
So like I said, for now forget the lables and get comfortable with yourself. Until you have a true sense of that it really doesn't matter what society calls you. I believe that attraction is a lot more fluid than most people think so it's entirely possible for it to be different day to day, or situation to situation.
I'm sure this was radically unhelpful, but that's my two cents lol
@Lythande Thank you for your input. I know that I really shouldn’t worry about labels but I’m really confused about myself.
In regards to the aroace thing, I should have made it more explicit but I’m not ace. I thought I was, but I am indeed attracted to people in that way.
@clementiny Hi Charlie!
I've had some similar experiences. About sexuality, I'd say that things like that often change and it's okay to have a preference. I'm on the ace spectrum so I feel you on some things. Not sure about the romantic part so I'm afraid I can't tell you haha.
About the gender - I'd recommend you to look up some non-binary identities (like demi gender for example), there are many of them often they're very similar, you do t have to worry about that much, you don't have to use labels but you can if they feel comfortable (I for example relate to multiple). I'd say that it's healthy to try out new things, it's nice that your parents would be accepting.