Personal Growth and Dating
I want to start a thread that I hope can accomplish 2 things. 1) Be a bit of a journal for myself to chronicle the work I am doing in my dating and social life in a semi-public space and 2) Be a place where other men can see my process, learn from it, offer counsel or advice and hopefully help them in their own dating lives.
Right now I predominately do not use dating apps and intend to keep it that way. I meet people through friends, running (run clubs) and volleyball. I'd like to branch out and meet people in even more activities than these, but its a good start.
In this process I want to become less judgemental, more courageous, and more generous. Let's start with that.
@Alongstory23
Wishing you the best of luck as you meet someone 🥰
7/24- I went to run club last night and hoped someone would be there. I felt disappointed when she wasn't there because I wanted to ask for her number. Expectations- I need to manage them.
A couple of recent reflections: 1) I have to change who I hangout with. Right now I mostly hang out with my married friends that have kids. I have to take initiative to join more single friends and invite them to do things. Obviously I can still maintain good relationships with my old friends, but I need to branch out a bit.
2) There a few essential behaviors that are going to be important. Go to places where I start conversations with women and if I like them or have a good connection, I ask for contact info. This might seem wildly simple, but 90% of my success is going to be decided by how consistently I do this.
3) I want dating to be a positive emotional experience. I know it's been challenging at times, and most people are struggling with it now, but there is no law saying it has to be that way. Having a good time, finding a way to make it fun, growing as a person are all super important in this process.
All good processes track data. This weeks action item is to create a spreadsheet that will track the most important data points.
2nd action item is to write out an idea of how to make dating fun, rather than just a persistent problem to solve.
Continue to be mindful that interactions with others are more valuable than persistent rumination or strategizing alone.
All for now. Thanks for tuning in
Good on you mate. The points you make are very important and as you said sound simple.
Im glad you feel the urge to "branch out" and make friends that are single.
You seem to know what you are doing and what you want. Thats the first step.
Please continue your journal. It's interesting read.
Take care
@Alongstory23
7/26/26
What went well this week? I showed up at 2 run clubs and engaged with new people. I met at least 3 new women, but I honestly haven't been tracking a lot yet. Just made a simple tracker tonight. Feels a little corporate to be honest, but I think the data will be valuable. From Jan. to March of this year I met 45 women (roughly 4 per week), and that led to dating one of them.
What could have been better? I think sometimes when I go to social events I might be too fixated on looking for opportunities to talk to women, and may not be giving people around me my real attention. This can lead to feelings of disconnection. So my solution is to give people my undivided attention for 3-5 minutes, and if I want to move on after that, I can do that. It is likely that I am not meeting women because I am lingering, not because someone is taking all of my time
Some items from my last post:
How to make dating feel fun, when it feels daunting to (almost everyone else). 1) Make dating a social and team effort. Ask your friends who they know thats single, and team up with other single guys to work on self improvement and skills
2) Find and create an abundance mentality. If you think you have few to no options you are going to internalize that and it will create anxiety that will affect you.
3) Express yourself freely. Don't hide what you really think and feel.
Data to track you NERD!
1) New women met
2) Did I engage for at least 3-5 minutes, giving my full attention engagement and respect?
3) DId I have a fun and positive attitude?
4) Did I ask for contact info if I was at least 6/10 interested?
This is it. If I can consistently do this I will succeed. It isn't as complicated as everyone makes it out to be.
New rule: I can only spend 20 minutes or less on these posts or other analysis in my dating life. Too easy to get bogged down and overthink it.
Action Items this week: Go to at least 3-4 social events where I meet new people. Set a REAL goal of asking women for their contact info in order to push through whatever social fear is there. I'm going to have to get a lot of exposure on this one. Good luck and God speed. Also If I run into that one gal from run club either at work or at run club I will walk up to her, chat and ask her for her number or strava
Cowabunga
@Alongstory23
@Alongstory23
Went to a run club I have been apart of for awhile. Met a new woman there that I am interested in. another guy was kind of all over her the whole night, so I introduced myself, but didn't really make anything happen. I noticed a good opportunity to just ask them both for their strava, but the social stress/anxiety got the better of me. This is kind of a common occurance for me. Its hard to describe. If I were one on one with her it would take some courage, but I'd be able to ask for her number....but in this social setting with a lot of people around, my brain just gets a little overwhelmed and its all pretty silly, but I don't fully feel in control of it.
So what will I have to do? I need exposure therapy. I need to go somewhere and just ask like 100 people for their number and just get it out of my system. This will be vital to my long term success. its unfortunate my brain works this way, but I need to figure it out. Anyway, i'm proud I went up and talked to her, that's a positive start, but Its gonna take some exposure therapy to overcome whatever self limiting beliefs are deep in my mind. Thanks for listening. Next step is to create the parameters for the exposure therapy
Along with exposure therapy, I have been reading up on perfectionism. 3 types of perfectionism:
1) Self-oriented: Setting extreme, unrealistic standards for yourself while judging your own mistakes
2) Other-oriented: Expecting flawlessness, control and high performance from the people around you
3) Socially Prescribed: Believing that society, family, or peers demand perfection from you, leading to a fear of judgement.
I have a little of #1, moderate of #2, and a crap ton of #3. Next step is to see what the best treatment is and see what is effective, especially for socially prescribed perfectionism
8/2/2026
Two moments that I really liked this week: I talked to 2 close friends on separate occasions about this phobia or struggle I have around asking for contact info. they were both suprised and very empathetic. I felt really supported when a newer guy friend offered to go out with me to work on this. It really meant a lot.
What went well overall this week? You did good taking the lead on the dog shelter and promoting the run club. You met 4 new women and one you have some attraction to. You deepened your friendship with Guido and Marla.
What could have gone better? Lil mental breakdown Thursday evening. I'll need to regulate emotions better and take the opportunities to ask for Strava. Also tough mental state on Saturday night. Make a list of things I can do Friday and Saturday night. And pursue those with more effort. Focus and action this week- Emotional regulation (notice and name when you are feeling stressed or anxious), Social courage (talk to folks at run clubs, check in with friends without shame or worry). Continue to research and understand Social Perceived Perfectionism
8/4
I went to run club last night and I ended up asking the woman for her Strava. I'm really proud that I did it, and I had very little anxiety about it. I had a few quick conversations with her, and it was pretty natural to just ask her if she was on Strava. I came in with a different mindset and it helped put me at ease.
the mindset I came into run club was 1) Give (take and interest in others, not just women) 2) start little 3-5 minute conversations with people 3) Be assertive- this helped when it came to just walking up to her and talking. That was it. no spiraling, just being apart of a group, and taking a chance when the opportunity arose. Interestingly enough, I am totally at ease when the convo feels one on one, as soon as someone else is in the conversation, thats when social perceived perfectionism comes in and I get real anxious. Anyway, I'm proud of how I showed up, but I also want to be mindful to not get complacent. and this is just one person, I'll need reps to engage with more people and continue to reduce the anxiety around this
8/6- I was thinking recently about how I tend to overcomplicate things. a process should really be as simple as possible.
As I think about the shifts I want to make in my dating and social life, I tend to read too much, think too much, overanalyze and this tends to inhibit action and learning. So- I want to reiterate a simple framework to help me get on the right track.
1) Make an identity shift (align thoughts and actions)- There are certain beliefs in my mind that are most certainly holding me back. Social perceived perfectionism (the belief I have to be perfect to be accepted) and even some of my expectations of others being perfect needs to change. First step is I have to become aware of when I am feeling stress because of being worried that I am not enough. I also need to be aware when I am rejecting others because I don't see them as good enough.
Second step is to reframe these thoughts to healthier ones.
2) Have a plan of consistent action- This means showing up to group runs 3x per week, taking an interest in others, and being in tune with myself. Approach people, start little conversations, express, connect, etc. that part is relatively easy. THEN, take the steps to lead and be vulnerable. Ask people for contact info, follow up, ask people to join for meals, Build actual relationships and friendships from it too, which requires taking risks, expressing yourself for real, and not being afraid or worried about rejection. I will have to expose myself to rejection without letting it affect my self esteem and my efforts. I don't see a path to success without putting myself into positions where I am rejected. Use a realistic shooting percentage, not a perfect one. If 30-50% of the time people say yes, are engaged and want to do social things with you, then great, that is what were looking for.
There are also tremendous opportunities to just meet strangers. Women in public flirt with me on a random, but somewhat regular basis. Live in the moment and take a chance.
3) Record whether or not you did your best effort each day, not whether or not the result was what you hoped for.
In summary- 1) Make the indentity shift first: this involves DAILY WRITING and being aware of your internal thoughts and feelings around being perfect or others needing to be perfect. In addition to losing the perfection identity, create the identity of a leader and a contributer.
2) Take action and embrace rejection like a good friend. If you aren't getting rejected, you aren't putting in enough real effort. Increase awareness by Tracking moments when you WANT to do something, but don't because of fear. Do everything possible to work through this fear and do what you want. Be assertive and express your real feelings.
3) Focus on the process and evaluate yourself on your efforts, not the outcomes. Evaluate Daily in the evenings
Why this might not work- well if I am not consistent with the efforts, it definitely won't work. If I let perfectionism bring me down to the point where I need to escape into *** or TV then it won't work.
If as part of my weekly reflection I have a spreadsheet to track daily perfectionism improvement efforts, track taking social risks without falling apart, and track doing my best each day. If doing this daily causes me anxiety, then maybe ill back off to every other day. but my intuition tells me that it will best be done daily.
Next Step: Build the tracker and share it here each week. So far I've been doing well tracking the events I show up to and engage with people at, but that is just one peice of the puzzle. Have to get the whole system together and be consistent with it. All for now- thanks for listening
@Alongstory23
I actually relate to a lot of what you wrote here, especially the part about overthinking something until it becomes harder to actually take action.
I like the idea of judging the day based on whether you made the effort rather than whether you got the result you wanted. That seems a lot more sustainable, especially with things like rejection where you can’t really control the other person.
The tracking idea sounds useful too, as long as it doesn’t turn into another thing you feel like you have to do perfectly 😂
Out of curiosity, is this mainly something you’re working on with your social life right now, or are you also trying to make changes in your work/career situation?
@Andrew110
It is nice to know you can relate to some of this! I'm mostly focused on social and dating life, But I am in a place where I want to make some moves soon in my Career. Are you looking to make changes in your Career at the moment?
8/12 Looking for a little advice
I made 3 new female friends at a run club over the past few weeks. They are roomates and live in the neighborhood, about a mile away. I find all 3 attractive, and one of them was flirting with me more than the others. Turns out she is the one that has a boyfriend. I don't even know how I could go about pursuing any of them. Thoughts? I mean maybe I could just invite them to neighborhood group hangouts and slowly feel it out from there. Or do I just send flirty texts to all 3 of them and see how it goes? 🤣
The second thing on my mind is that I hung out with family for my birthday this weekend and I think I know where a lot of my Social Perceived Perfectionism comes from. I went on a hike with my mom and the whole time she just talked about what was wrong with everyone else (my brother, sister in law, other brother and my dad). It was a masterclass in being judgemental of others, without having any real self reflection or anything positive to say about anyone. How do people navigate parents like this? I think I've just tried to be empathetic and limit time with her, but maybe that isn't the best approach. And obviously I have to live my life knowing that she will probably be judgemental regardless of any good or bad choices I make. Why try to live up to that?
I am back in Ohio now, and want to make sure I re-focus on my dating and social life. Daily process as I outlined above and regular tracking of data. Will start posting data in the future
@Alongstory23
Hi Story! 😊 ❤️
While I haven't added much here as of yet, I have enjoyed following your thread! 😊 Maybe sometimes it's kind of neat to eventually find out that someone you don't know, have never met is quietly rooting for you on the sidelines!? 🥳 So, that's been me! ✨ wooo-hoooo!
Alrighty then, *rolls up sleeves* seeing as how you requested some input here. While I'm unable to provide advice (and 7 cups see's advice as someone telling another "you need to go and do this now") I can provide some thoughts. My thoughts come with the caveat of they are coming from the female perspective and they are only the thoughts of a random individual.
I like the thought of potentially inviting all 3 of these lovely ladies to neighborhood group hangouts, events. It's nice to make friends. Proximity can bring closeness. Good to percolate and circulate, lol 😊
On the question of "or should I just send flirty texts to all 3 of them"? For that, I would have to say, oh my 😳. Seeing as how the 3 of them are friends, are roommates, are in close proximity to one another, I'm betting "comparing notes" amongst them just may happen. I'm thinking doing so won't end quite so well for you. EEk! 😮
For me, as a woman, that would be the fastest way to get yourself disqualified from ever having an opportunity with me other than friendship, just sayin'. Putting all ladies, essentially on "blast" to be flirted with shows a great deal of intentionality of it doesn't really matter who you get, no special interest, just a warm body. Just a place holder, a possibility of a girl standing in spot to be a girlfriend.
It wouldn't make a girl feel special, chosen. It wouldn't make a girl feel as if there was any special interest in her specifically as a person, as a human being.
You could always question if you had 2 male roommates and 1 girl was texting all 3 men with flirty texts.....would you value her? Would any of your housemates value her, at all? You might all end up valueing her for only one thing, and one thing specifically if you know what I mean. It would feel icky to you and the 2 other guys, and so the Ick factor goes both ways. I doubt anyone would take her seriously for "relationship material".
I think you just may be on to something my friend! 💡 Spending time with your mother, really reflecting on everything that is said in your time together may have spoken volumes to you. Sounds like a great deal of gossiping, being judgmental, that others are unable to live up to her standards?
It sounds as if very little positivity is to be had and so, if this is how it has always been, sure, makes sense to me that as a child, you hearing this could make you feel as if nothing is ever good enough. The seeds are planted, constant reaching for perfectionism to attain the mothers love or approval is fleeting. Transfers to the rest of life as well.
It's hard to please the unpleasable. Some of us learn this and "put it down" eventually. It's like walking through life, carrying lots of bricks on one shoulder and lots of bricks on the other. Some of us eventually find a way to just put all of those bricks down. Its heavy, it's emotionally exhausting and it does us no good at all. It's reaching for the unattainable.
I learn from anyone and everyone that I meet. And sometimes, I learn what not to do, because it feels really bad when it's done to me.
Some of us are born to parents that have their own mental health issues, emotional problems and in an effort to ease their pain, they project a great deal of negativity onto everyone else around them in an effort to never have to face their very own shortcomings. Putting others down, standing in judgement makes others a repository for their anger, self loathing, self hatred. They can push others down in an effort to feel a bit superior (in the moments) and not face their own deep seeded challenges. It's the easy way out, as unkind as it may be.
Hoping this was helpful, in any way at all. Just thoughts to consider, I guess.
Still rooting for you over here! 🥳 Weeeeeeeeee-weeeeeeeeee! 😊
*high fives* 😊 and *hugs* ❤️
@SparkyGizmo
Happy to hear there is someone rooting for me and listening in! I appreciate you taking the time to write out your thoughts. You're really on point! 😀
@Alongstory23
❤️❤️❤️
I hope you find the life you're looking for bro.
All the best for that.
From my side.
I see you're very persistent in your approach and very methodical about things.
Things will definitely work out well for you ;)
@orangeFootball8208
I appreciate the encouragement! I hope you are right.
