Mindfulness Daily Check-In February 21, 2018
Mindfulness And Conflict Resolution
Hello everyone
I hope everyone is doing ok today. I thought today I'd focus on Mindfulness And Conflict Resolution. Due to personal reasons as well as some I'm seeing having a difficult time with this. No issues. Don't feel bad
Everyone has gone through some form of conflict in their life. How we choose to handle it is another thing....
"When you find yourself in conflict or agitated with another individual, taking time to reflect and find an intention can be extremely powerful in helping to resolve such tense situations."
Conflicts arise no matter even if you stay in your bed
The thing is taking on responsibility for your own actions in the situation. Yeah- not so easy I know. People will get hurt, and feelings/thoughts will get ignored of stepped on. The real thing is we don't have control over nothing but our own actions. We have to learn to turn "inward" and being present, overcoming obsticles to listening. But for real- how do we move forward in a conflict??
Mutual Validation A common reason for people to resist listening to others is due to a feeling of invalidation. This is the sense of not being truly heard or feeling as if your thoughts/opinions are somehow wrong or bad. When people feel invalidated, it is common to push back even harder by continuing to make the same point or escalating the argument. This pattern can be stopped in its tracks with mutual validation. Remember that validation (like acceptance) does not mean approval or agreement. It does mean that you get it you are letting the other person know that you understand their needs, motivations, or feelings. You are letting them know that you can see why they feel as they do – even if you dont agree.
Broken Record This is a good technique to use when it seems that your message simply isnt getting through to the other person. Formulate a brief, specific, and easy-to-understand statement about what it is that you want. Ideally, it should be a single sentence. The key is to offer no further details, explanations, or excuses. Continue to repeat the same statement as many times as necessary. Avoid getting sucked into a debate or logistical conversation. Refrain from answering any why questions as this just gives the other person ammunition. Simply respond with, I prefer it or This is how I feel. Under no circumstances should you give in to the temptation to offer additional information or evidence for your point.
Probing The key phrase involved in this conflict management skill is this: What is it about (name the situation) that bothers you? The idea is to continue to ask this question until useful information surfaces. This strategy essentially probes the other person for relevant or useful information that can help to resolve the conflict. When the reason behind a conflict is vague or unclear, this can be a helpful approach to making the implicit more explicit.
Assertive Delay This strategy provides you with space to wait, especially when things feel as if they are escalating or getting too intense. When conflict occurs, people often put pressure on one another to make a decision or agree with a plan right away. This approach allows you to take a break (e.g., a few minutes or a few hours). During this break, you can calm down, return to emotional baseline, consider what has been said, and formulate an appropriate response. This can be as simple as stopping the conflict by saying, Give me an hour. This is important to me, and I want to think carefully about all of this before I say anything more.
How can you use one or more of these conflict management skills the next time interpersonal conflict arises? When you read through these strategies, which one did you find yourself gravitating towards? Conflict is difficult for many people, but feeling confident in your abilities to effectively manage conflict when it arises can make it far less threatening. We cannot control the behaviors of other people, but we can control how we choose to respond to those behaviors!
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@RumpleSteeleSkin I am very interested in this post will respond later. Thanks for posting this.
@RumpleSteeleSkin I really enjoyed reading your post as it was very well-written! I especially like the mutual validation and assertive delay strategies that you mentioned. I quickly gravitated towards assertive delay as this is a strategy that I currently use, but I also like mutual validation. I believe that I would use both of these conflict management skills the next time an interpersonal conflict arises in order to help the conflict simmer down a bit as well as help the other individual to feel more calm and clear.
@SaimaK
HI there Saima good to see you in check inI agree with the mutual respect, that doesn't mean you are agreeing just giving respect to their thoughts and feelings. This is sometimes hard for me that I too over look. Assertive delay is tricky-lol I use assertiveness and not the delay part
I need to be like you and focus more on the assertive delay.
@RumpleSteeleSkin Thank you! :) I agree! I overlook this as well as times, and I definitely need to improve this. I have to remember that the other individual has every right to believe and defend their thoughts and feelings as I do. Thus, for them to respect my thoughts and feelings, I have to respect their thoughts and feelings as well. Assertive delay definitely is tricky. I have to admit that it is quite hard to do at times, and so it is understandable to exercise the assertiveness aspect more than the delay aspect at times. It takes time to get used to using this strategy as it requires patience, level-headedness, calmness, and much more. And so, I do hope that you do not beat yourself up too much about this and just slowly get yourself to using this. All of these strategies are difficult to use if it is not our usual approach, but the effort in trying is very important and you should be proud of yourself. :)
@SaimaK
aahhh thanks. Thing is using mindfulness does teach on "slowing down and not react on impulse" So yes each time I get just a bit better
@RumpleSteeleSkin You're absolutely right! And I'm certain you'll be great at using all of these strategies soon enough! I hope I will be too. :)
Very good tips on conflict resolution. I agree to slow down and not react to impulse, which I do. Assertive delay ia a good point, I sometimes find it easier not to continue the conversation depending on the person or change the subject if possible.,
@sail46
Thats right. Same with me. If I feel that the situation is about to go out of control or the dicussions arent leading anywhere, I walk away and give myself enough time to think about what, how and why of what actually happened. I dont go back to resuming the conversation or making big decisions unless I have evaluated everything, know where I stand, and my head is clear. Otherwise for me, that is simply acting on impulse without having thoroughly thought through the facts and consequences.
@sail46
Hi there Sail Can you teach me to slow down and not impulsively react please? Good for you that you do this-it shows you have some form of control.To back out at the moment always is a good thing in anything you are not to sure on. Thing is to-do-it. Sounds like you are doing a great job in conflict resolution
@sail46
That is AMAZING you do that :o I'm so glad that's proved useful for you, yes ! I could also use some tips on how to not be impulsive😝
I'm a little confused by this post. So if both people are repeating themselves, then you should stop and try to ackgnolwedge what the other person is saying/feeling. But if they don't understand you, just repeat the same thing over and over again. Don't answer any questions, just repeat. But then if they feel a certain way, you should ask questions to find out why they feel that way. I understand taking a break if things get too intense, but everything else seems kinda contradictory ... Am I missing something?
@BlueMossWeaver27
HI Blue Let me see if I can give you an example so that you can understand this skill better
Repeated Assertion (the 'broken record'): this assertiveness technique allows you to feel comfortable by ignoring manipulative verbal side traps, argumentative baiting and irrelevant logic while sticking to your point. To most effectively use this assertiveness technique use calm repetition, and say what you want and stay focused on the issue. You'll find that there is no need to rehearse this technique, and no need to 'hype yourself up' to deal with others.
Example:
"I would like to show you some of our products"
"No thank you, I'm not interested"
"I really have a great range to offer you"
"That may be true, but I'm not interested at the moment"
"Is there someone else here who would be interested?"
"I don't want any of these products"
"Ok, would you take this brochure and think about it?"
"Yes, I will take a brochure"
"Thank you"
"You're welcome"
Do you see how the person was direct, assertive and staying to the same "Im not interested"? You are being kind yet still keeping things short and sweet without getting further into some conflict behaviors
Very well the conflict resolution strategies are very good.
@OptimisticEars65
Hiya Ears good to see you in check-in Yes skills on conflict resolution are a must just like drinking water
@RumpleSteeleSkin
I find this is a very helpful and important post. Resolving conflict situations is a skill which makes life so much easier. I find being simple and clear with statements is a good way to go because in conflict the nervous system is already on a high and statements can easily be misunderstood and misinterpretated. Also I like delaying very much. Breathe first, do not let anger control you and eventually if necessary leave to clear your mind. Most things look different after a break (mind is clear, stress hormones down).
@amiablePeace77
HIya Peace good to see youI'm glad this post was helpful for you. Yes learning how to resolve conflicts would make this whole world much better- but.......well it's not that way and many of us don't know the skills but learning. I do believe we are already on that "fight" mode in conflicts and our actions do determine the out come. Im going to personally try the breathing and walking away ten coming back and responding. thnak you
Great post - Therapist and I talked about this today when we were doing DBT binder. Amazing what good timing this was!
He and I were chatting about it since my MD/Internal medicine dr doesn't know what is wrong with me and he dismissed me and said call this MD and they will help. I fill like a ping pong and NO ONE WANTS THE BALL!
What is wrong with thse male MD's????
@DanaMH
Dana, i am sorry that you have been given that kind of feeling. You are a valuable person! I hope your ankle will not hurt too much and get better very soon.
@amiablePeace77
Well you don't have to worry about me calling 911 ever again!!!!
ER Psyc ward said, "Follow up with PCP, MD." So what does PCP want me to do since they don't want me to call 911 anymore for chest pain even thou this was my first time to ever call 911 in Veneta, OR and I have lived here about 2 years so they werent very nice saying that. (THEY being ER pysc ward, Fire Department and Police Department). I have never called 911 in my whole life for a medical issue before so not sure why they would ever say to me DO NOT CALL 911). Dr Cook's office called 911 2 times trying to get an ambulance to drive me to Riverbend Hospital after she convinced me to go to the ER at all since they never help me. 3 police officers that FINALLY SHOWED UP AFTER SHE AND I WERE ON THE PHONE ALMOST 1 HOUR. They wouldnt talk to her and told me to hang up which I told her. We chatted for a while and then they left after REFUSSING TO CALL AND AMBULANCE!!!!! I then called the triage nurse back and she then told me to call 911 since the they refused to call an ambulance and left after we chatted which she had to convince me again to even go to the ER. SO I DID and that is the LAST TIME I EVER DO THAT AFTER I WAS POORLY AND RUDELY TREATED BY EVERYONE TODAY AND THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN IN MY LIFE EVER AGAIN!!!!! I had an ambulance then in my driveway which refused to take me after I left my house which THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN IN MY LIFE EVER AGAIN!!!!! They brought me by police car to the wrong hospital after The University district brought me into pysc ward and refused to let me have my phone to call my MD's and therapist refused to let me see any MD, GI, Neurologist, Cardiologist or have a stress test with nook lab or MRI or Cat scan. I hit my head again when passing out when tripping on blanket trying to get to call button and they said, We are monitoring you and you did not fall even thou I was unconscious on the floor. I was treated very RUDELY from entire staff with them treating to drag me when I was dizzy due to laying on the floor and sitting in the bathroom asking them to help me walk. They wouldnt give me the pillow or blankets back for comfort even thou I asked many people and I was shivering and very cold. They also are doing construction which the bounding did not help my head at all with the migraine they gave me. They should all be fired. Was not given medical treatment only pysc treatment. I need built in code words in my chart for the next time an IDIOT WANTS TO TAKE ME THERE FOR THEM TO CALL MY PCP.
I also need some process with Lincoln since I did send messages and called his cell asking for help but he is a busy man and has lots of customers. They wouldnt even stop by his office to talk to him even thou we drove right by it!!!!!
I called OHSU and an on-call MD which is not really sure what to do for my head yet and she and I are again waiting for an MD to work tomorrow to help me. This is just another reason why I need local doctors to help me but NO ONE SEEMS TO CARE ABOUT MY MEDICAL ISSUES/NEEDS!!!!!
@DanaMH
I can see how difficult it must be for you to get the help you want and how it is hurting you to feel that no one seems to care. Dana, I care and lots of people here too. I hope you will have some activities or things you can do that you feel may help you.
Went square dancing but I twisted my ankle. I just can't win in life.