Guilt, Fears, Inadequacy = Immobility (NO MORE…. ENOUGH!)

8/3/22
I’ve figured out what has shut me down for a couple of days. It is all inclusive and kind of complex making this kind of a long post. But I’ll do my best to share a short version. 1.5 - 2 years ago, separated and then eventually divorced. It was mutual and not an ugly or hard event. It was amiable but my life started all over at 61.

I hit this new direction Head On. After a while I realized my construction trade was no longer feasible because it was too tiring to keep up with at my age and health. A friend suggested a job with the city dump. AND this is where the story really starts because for a year and a half, I have been trying so hard. And failing. And failing. And failing.

The obstacles I have run into gifted me with so many blessings along the way but this week, my guilt, fears, and inadequacies have consumed me, shut me down and turned me into a disorganized pile of useless mush. I do not like it one bit!

When my friend suggested I take a job as a driver with the city dump, it was a good out from the laborious job of construction. I needed a CDL license for the job but could not afford to buy a class/course so I trained myself on youtube and passed all the written tests and passed my physical and did everything I needed to do with the city and state to get my CDL-A permit. I had my permit and You could imagine, I was pretty proud of myself. I now had to figure out how to get someone to teach me in their truck. I had no friends with any equipment but I called local drivers explaining my situation offering a trade in labors for training but found no takers.

You can imagine, I was getting discouraged when I remembered talking to an older man about buying his dump truck a couple years previously. He had a dump truck and an equipment trailer that met the weight requirements for a Class A CDL license. I asked him… what a Blessing in so many ways. He said, yes, he would help me because when he needed help to get his CDL, people promised to help him but nobody ever did. So, he said, he would help me. This turned out to be a blessing and a curse (much more blessing though). His equipment was in rough shape and it needed to pass inspection too when I went to do my driving test. He let me drive whenever I could and started working with him and his brother doing tractor work. The whole time I’ve been repairing his truck and trailer for testing day. I finally made it to testing day and needless to say… I FAILED miserably. I had no concept of the intensity of the test. I practiced a few things from youtube but there was so much more to it that I was not aware of.

With this failure, I re-evaluated and decided I did not have the time to continue repairing his equipment and study for the test again BEFORE my permit date expired.

I applied for a job with the school bus system, got the job, they trained me and I got my CDL CLASS B license but not my Class A which is much more valuable. Another BLESSING, getting this license extended my CLASS A Permit. Another blessing, while driving the kids I learned to like them a lot but I cursed myself by promising them activities during the summer months and I’ve not been able to keep that promise and soon, I’ll be picking them up again for school. GUILT… wearing heavy on my mind. While driving for the school a bus garage mechanic told me about a tractor trailer driving school that might help me out at the fraction of the cost. (Minimal fee). BLESSING… I called them, they were sympathetic of my plight and agreed to help me. I never was trying for a tractor trailer license but this was another Blessing in disguise. I tested two days before my permit expired again. I FAILED my test again. Another Blessing followed, I called the licensing department and they told me I was allowed 1 more 6-month renewal on my permit. I tested again and I FAILED again. Am I Fucking Stupid, Dumb, Ignorant or all the above?

All summer I’ve been driving 3 hours a day to and back from the school for a couple hours of self-training whenever the paying students were not using the truck. I have not laid a mower blade or a weed-eater sting to my property all summer. This was supposed to be the kids summer jobs I promised them. The forest has taken over my property and I’m embarrassed walking through weeds 6-7 feet tall through a path to get to my back door. My INADEQUACIES are being shoved in my face at every turn of my days. I test again in 14 days I MUST SHAKE THIS CONSUMPTION OF FAILURE BECAUSE IT COULD BE THE CAUSE OF MY FAILURES. This CDL-A is my golden ticket. I’m scared to death I’ll make another stupid mistake and fail again. School starts again and I DREAD facing the kids.

These GUILTS, FEARS and INADAQUACIES are sorted now. I see them for what they are. They are REAL but I CANNOT, I WILL NOT let them shut me down for 1 more minute. They had me confused and immobile for a couple of days. But Now That I See Them, I am going to fight like hell for the next 14 days! Beat that freaking depression into the ground. Time for a Goals Challenge today. My guilts, fears and inadequacies are all in my mind and I cannot fix them right now but my success lies in my actions, not my thoughts.

Leap of Faith. Just Do It!