Weekly sharing of Goals! Week #39 (Monday 9/25/23 - Sunday 10/01/23)

I feel bad that I haven't been around to actually write out support for each of the days goals. I read and click the upvote heart and move on. Thats about all the time I have at this point in my life. I really haven't been active on any of the other forums I want to be active in that much either. Just know that I see what you have accomplished, what the troubles and problems tend to be, and that I am quietly supporting each one from over here behind my phone screen.

Last nights soccer game was rained out and postponed and that was a good thing. I wasn't looking forward to sitting in the rain after a 2 hr drive. Today's goals, update my calendar for October, which I already did....I use old school wall and planner type calendars for my things. I have 5 air conditioning units that need to come out today. Its time. I also need to finish laundry and mop the kitchen. That will be the extent of it. I was hoping tomorrow would be all rest and relaxation, but the rain had made the ground too wet to mow, so I'll give it today to dry and hopefully get it done at some point tomorrow. Have a great weekend folks....

RAMBLING SATURDAY:
Ramble #3: It's time to dressed for the day. i got a few house chores does done and now need to get outdoors and start working on the backhoe. I need to start some laundry then I think I'll take a 20 minute cat nap. I'm really tired.

I've been drinking a lot more lately. Right now I've enjoyed a couple of gin and tonics. I'm losing my overall motivation but not my purpose. I've been enriched with a wonderful piece of property all forested and primed for tourism. What with no wife, no kids and alienated from a large basically hateful family, what's my reason at my age? It's just a good thing I love working on building things but I'm starting to lose the purpose of continuing that.

I continue on because the only alternative is not to continue on and I cannot picture I would like how that feels.

RAMBLING SATURDAY:
7:45 PM: I think the backhoe problem was just a lack of hydraulic fluid. I feel a little stupid but now educated. I think the brake problem is fixed but I will find out for sure tomorrow when I try to work the backhoe.

If it is fixed, I am so thankful and grateful.

I had a dream last night that opened my eyes to the possibility that I’ve been too selfish these past several months. Staying afloat while being pulled down by my own inner demons is perhaps a responsibility that I’ve been handling wrong. My world has become small because my focus is mostly inward. While I value introspection and relaxation, I’ve been neglecting the big picture. I’ve perhaps convinced myself that the world stops turning so fast if I take plenty of naps and limit my exposure to the stress beyond my front door.

I’m very blessed to have an amazing partner who works hard to support us both, but what am I doing? Cooking, cleaning, and trying to craft a more healed mind is all great and good but isn’t there more to do? I want to strengthen my ability to carry out more tasks. Not to appease society but because I want to outgrow the trauma of my past. The only way I’ll know that I’ve grown is by starting to venture outside of my comfort zone. I’ve been in a peaceful environment with a nontoxic friend & boyfriend since Jan. 28th. The time is now. He’s been very patient and understanding that the first 27 years of my life have been more painful than I was equipped to handle. But where does my story go from here?

I feel a nudge towards a brighter picture but maybe I’m not all that convinced (yet) that I won’t feel out of place in new directions and opportunities. Maybe I will but I also have always felt out of place. The only thing holding me back is me. I have the love, support, and foundation to start living my life. But it’s hard to believe in myself. Today I want to write, reflect, and find the courage to swim away from the beginner’s end of the pool.