It’s how matter-of-fact I am that throws me.
I’ve always picked at scabs, but since we upped my antidepressant dose in 2019 I’ve been really going after my skin.
For a long time it was just the skin around my fingernails, mostly my thumbs but also my index and ring fingers. I was able to leave my middle finger alone because I use it for my phone verification fingerprint. I wrapped my fingers in gauze or used Band-Aids when it got really bad, and I eventually crocheted myself a pair of gloves that are just bracelets with straps leading up to little cups that go over my fingertips and thumbs. Over all, it was disruptive because I play clarinet in a clarinet choir, and bandages don’t really seal the open finger holes properly.
Last year, I got really into colouring and doing art again, and that kept my hands occupied enough that I couldn’t pick. I’ve got it down to just my left thumb and my right index finger.
But at some point in the past year, I started picking at the skin on my heels. I actually used to do that, and I took up knitting and crocheting in 2009 to make it stop. This is worse than that ever was, and I keep having to put Band-Aids on my feet and I limp while I’m healing.
I’m working on keeping myself from doing it. Knee socks under my pants helps, as does wearing tights or pantyhose. Keeping my hands busy is a good option as well. I have some heel cream that I try to remember to put on my feet in the morning before I put on my socks, because that helps me keep my socks on during the day.
What throws me is how matter-of-fact I am about it. I don’t want to do it, but I actually feel for the rough bits and try to smooth them out. It’s so weird, because most people would think that I should be able to stop if I can think so clearly about what I’m doing, but if I stop it feels wrong. Compulsions are weird.
My husband thinks I should just stop doing it. He doesn’t understand what it is and how little control I actually have over it. (He also doesn’t understand my ADHD executive dysfunction even though he has executive dysfunction too.)
Kudos to you for controlling your compulsion as much as you already have. It sounds like you've done a lot of self work. Is picking at your body something that you do to relieve stress, do you feel driven to do it, or is it that you can stand the "wrong" texture and are trying to fix it? If it's something that you do to relieve stress, then maybe you could replace that with something else. Otherwise, it sounds like you're doing your upmost to get a handle on things. I commend you for it!