Can't stop ruminating on the past and feeling guilty
I just need somewhere to vent... I'm 19 and I feel like an awful, horrible person for any and all of my past mistakes. Just one little thing is enough to send me spiraling. It doesn't help that I'm a hyper empathetic person and I live in fear of accidentally hurting others. Despite doing nothing all day, I feel exhausted every second from a war in my mind, I have never felt relaxed even when I should, all because of my obsessive thoughts. The guilt is eating me alive and I simply can't let go of the past, when I try it makes me feel like I'm deceiving people, like I've got this big secret I'm hiding no matter the size of the mistake I'm obsessing over. It gets to the point where I sabotage my own happiness and relationships because I feel like I don't deserve them. When I'm finally over a theme and I start feeling ok, I feel guilty cause I feel like I'm a horrible person who doesn't deserve happiness or love so my brain latches onto something else, anything it can, from the past to obsess over and make me feel guilty again. It's so debilitating and it's been making me extremely depressed, I can't get out of bed cause it hurts to be awake, I can't stand to live with myself, I hate my brain so much
Ocd is one of the most mentally challenging things out there. I empathize with the struggle you are facing and can only imagine how hard this is for you.
The way to reduce and eventually eliminate rumination is by not engaging with it. I know its hard, its like someone is swinging a rope in your face and you are being asked to not be annoyed by it but it is possible and very effective at getting rid of the problem
The more you get scared of these intrusive thoughts, the more you engage with them and try to reason your way out of it, the worse this gets. This short video tell you more on dealing with rumination, this channel is also an excellent OCD resource.
Your description makes me think about my brother because he does the same thing as you. I hope you can find help and even if Im sure it wont help just know that you don't have to be perfect to be worthy of love and that your past mistakes are in the past for a reason. Allow yourself to let go and see these mistake as lessons that you can learn from and not punishements. Wish you well
Your description makes me think about my brother because he does the same thing as you. I hope you can find help and even if Im sure it wont help just know that you don't have to be perfect to be worthy of love and that your past mistakes are in the past for a reason. Allow yourself to let go and see these mistake as lessons that you can learn from and not punishements. Wish you well
Hello, same here (I've real event OCD) Are you seeing a specialized therapist?
Hello, same here (I've real event OCD) Are you seeing a specialized therapist?