Pure O (Pure Obessional OCD) – A Journal
This is a type of confession or an open journal or a dairy. I am going to list all the types of OCD I have been suffering from here. I have thought of doing this before and felt that this would help me get out whatever I need to talk about.
What Is Pure O ?
Pure O (Purely Obsessional OCD) is a common, informal term for OCD focused on intrusive thoughts (obsessions) like harm, sexuality, or religion, with less visible physical compulsions, relying instead on mental rituals (checking memories, praying, replaying events) to neutralize anxiety, making it seem like "just" obsessions but still very real OCD requiring treatment like CBT/ERP and sometimes medication (SSRIs). It's not a separate diagnosis, but a form of OCD where compulsions are internal and hidden.
Symptoms & Characteristics
Intrusive Thoughts: Unwanted, distressing thoughts about taboo subjects (harm, relationships, sexuality, faith).
Mental Compulsions: Replaying conversations, mentally reviewing past events, praying, repeating words in your head, seeking reassurance (internally).
Internal Struggle: Appears normal externally but experiences intense internal anxiety and distress.
Misinterpretation: Sufferers often fear they are their thoughts (e.g., a thought about being pedophile means they are pedophile).
Common Obsessions
Sexual Orientation OCD (SO-OCD), Relationship OCD (ROCD), Harm OCD (HOCD), and Religious/Scrupulosity OCD (R-OCD).
I know this can be very very uncomfortable and offensive to read for people but this are all true aspects of OCD.
About Me
I myself have been struggling with OCD for almost 10 years now, first it showed outside with compulsions like mumbling and touching things repeatedly until it felt right, now it is mostly mental compulsions like repeatedly thinking about something trying not think about it (rumination but it is a paradox) and counting all the time, every thing needs to be a even number with exceptions sometimes made in times of dire need or if I can convince my brain otherwise, often repeatedly switching switches on and off, etc.
1) The Fear :
The title sounds like the name of a horror movie or a story title right? You are almost correct, but it is like psychological horror.
Imagine you are doing something, something very important and good. You know you are doing it for your own good and maybe for other's good too, but you know you have enemies. The enemies don't want you to achieve your goal and if they get to know about what you are doing, they will do everything in their power to destroy your efforts and push you fall off the cliff.
This is what it feels like to be in my mind. You are doing everything you can, with your heart and soul and trying to keep things afloat. But if what you are trying to do in secrecy, because you can not let anyone know of it (because then everything will fall off balance), gets out to 'who you do not at all want to get to know about anything about it' you are done for, like being given the death sentence if you get what I mean, you are doomed.
This took so much effort to get out, I have been constantly fighting the torturous intrusive thoughts in order to write down all of these while not using words that will trigger me.
I don't know how much the reader can understand what I am trying to get through, but this is the best I can do to express my thoughts right now. I will make a post more extensively about this if I need to.
2) The Obsessions :
A list of my obsessions (I will try my best to write them all out here, but they are uncomfortable to even think of voluntarily, so writing them down here is like swimming in sea)
I will be concise so as not to delve too much into them in this specific post.
1. Sexual OCD : Pedophilia, Blasphemous, Inappropriate thoughts in relation to people, Supernatural (?) (needs more context, even I am unsure about this one and I am not in the state of mind to delve into this right now but its not really the typical sexual ocd like intrusive thought its like a mix of other types obsessions, even trying to think about this properly is something I am unable to do ever, its such a difficult intrusive thought that I can't put my finger on the distress caused by it, it's confusing and very very triggering so I am stopping trying to talk or think about it right now or I will go on and on).
2. Contamination OCD :
Most people acquainted with what OCD is typically know very well what this is – repeatedly handwashing and cleaning everything.
Right? Well it's kinda different for me. I don't care if I get my hands dirty after a specific time of the day at home or school, even eating after not sanitizing my hands most of the time.
But what affects me about this ocd is –
Spending too much time in the bathroom in the morning no matter how much I try to minimize the time its always upto 1 hour or almost 2 hours ( after so much trying and 'torture' it was gotten down to 45 mins or at the most 1 hour if I am keeping track of tume or it ends up to 2 hours again) The highest I spent was 2 and a half hours.
Using too much soap, face wash and shampoo is another. I have to clean everything, from soap bar to myself, so you can wonder what I do to clean the soap bar? It can be already done by using only water, but no, to make it absolutely clean or at least to make myself convinced its cleaned, I use shampoo, face wash and have even used dish washing soap. Who knows what's next at this point.
I have been beaten, scolded and emotionally hurt over all this too, since you all know it is absolutely bad and costs too much. I literally need three soap bars and face washes in a month and its still not enough often.
I cant touch my hair while at home or school without washing them because it would get them dirty and I would need to wash my hair too many times in a week (and if I do you know how it gets). I literally change my pillow covers in rotation to the days I wash my hair or don't.
I cant touch my school bag, bathroom lock, door handle, lights and cupboard handle without washing my hands after so its kinda typical I guess.
3. Religious OCD :
As it is, typical blasphemous thoughts and fear of God and consequences, superstitions (sometimes my own or gotten from others).
4. Other Types Of Intrusive Thoughts :
Will delve more into this later.
This post took so much courage and strength and time to write, still I couldn't qrote everything. I can't explain many things clearly, and the post is becoming too long in my tries to make it clear and concise.
So I am ending the post here, I will continue under it whatever else I have to talk about and post about my daily life with ocd sometimes or whatever I feel like to write I will write under this thread.
Thank you everyone for your patience and reading this huge confusing and thread, I am sure you have a headache or feel nauseas rn lol after reading all that. I will be happy with anyone suffering from Pure O or any other types of ocd is willing to express their thoughts and share their experiences here and support each other too.
I wanted to write some other things here too but I forgot lmao.
Tagging people who might like to see this :
@0XanXan0 @80HoneyMilk08 @Almaty99 @Anupriya5555 @BeeHeartsBooks @Bluecat10 @calmmoon2104 @daydreammemories @inventiveYard695 @ivoryApple2943 @Mishka1599 @RainySummerDays @rationalGrapefruitq @sunshine0814 @versatilecat1977
OCD and Derealization
Concept :
OCD and derealization are strongly linked, with OCD's intense anxiety, rumination, and focus on uncertainty often triggering feelings of unreality (derealization), where surroundings feel dreamlike or detached, as a coping mechanism or byproduct of mental overload; while derealization is a common anxiety symptom, OCD makes it distressing through fear of "going crazy," and treating OCD with therapies like ERP helps reduce these dissociative feelings by tackling the root obsessions and compulsions.
How OCD leads to Derealization :
- Anxiety Overload: Persistent, intense anxiety from obsessions can cause the brain to mentally detach as a defense mechanism, leading to derealization.
- Rumination: Deeply focusing on intrusive thoughts and mental compulsions pulls attention inward, increasing feelings of disconnection from reality.
- Existential OCD: Obsessions about the meaning of life or existence itself can directly manifest as derealization, where the world feels unreal because you question its reality.
- "Not Just Right" Feelings (NJREs): A sensation that things are "off" or incomplete in OCD can overlap with the feeling of unreality in derealization.
What Derealization Feels Like :
- Feeling like you're in a bubble or watching life from outside your body.
- The world seems foggy, distorted, artificial, or dreamlike.
- A sense of detachment from your own actions, feelings, or environment.
The Beginning :
For me OCD started at a very young age. I was about 8 years or 10 years old. First the signs started when I was in third grade, but they were very minimum therefore I did realize that I was doing something 'not very normal' but I was not able to clearly understand what it was and other than that it was not really showing on the outside so nobody could notice.
The symptoms started getting serious around the middle (first half) of fourth grade, when the compulsions started showing outside. I had difficulty with intrusive thoughts about gods and first mostly which affected my mental health seriously. Imagine knowing something is wrong with your or the whole thought is wrong and then you just stop thinking and forget about it, done! Right? But I was literally unable to. Every time I tried to forget about those thoughts and not think, the thoughts would return and become more disturbing and distressing and would get frustrating to deal with. This seriously affected my sleep too somewhat on the verge of insomnia at some point of time too.
This started the mumbling of compulsions. I would try my hardest to neutralize the thoughts and convince myself with magical thinking. The imagination compulsions (mental compulsions) also started and interfered with my sleeping and thoughts. I lost my peace of mind and people would make jokes and laugh about it and make me feel bad with their words.
I was unable to tell anybody. Whem some people noticed like my former tutor and some friends maybe , I would make excuses like I was talking to myself about something or singing. I tried telling my parents but they didn't care amd dismissed me telling I was making up things and that I was fine.
Of course, I didn't believe them, but I stopped trying to talk about it anymore. That already took so much courage to even try to talk and then I was discouraged and disappointed too.
'Is This Even Real' ?
I started having problems figuring out reality at some point after that. I was 12 to 14 years old.
Too much suppression of emotions and increasing intrusive thoughts made the situation worse for me, I had gained multiple obsessions and compulsions and this was the time that my obsessions and compulsions mostly became mental.
Adolescence is a time when the body goes through varities of changes both inside and outside (primary and secondary characteristics of puberty) and I was too. The upsurge of hormones and surging emotions, mood swings and the feelings of rebellion made things very difficult for me. OCD was already so torturous to go through on a daily basis, from waking up to going to bed and sometimes even staying awake for a long time dealing with OCD episodes.
( I will delve more into that topic next time I post)
Things at home started to turn against my habits like saying "No No No No" under my breath over and over was still present and very much present at that time. I was so so much frustrated that I tried forgetting reality.
Forgetting your daily life and reality is not so easy. I don't know when it first started happening but the first experience I remember of it ( a foggy memory) is like this :
I was sitting on my bed, thinking on and on about something. Suddenly everything seemed distant and my mind started going blank. The noise around me started drowning and then there was silence. I was facing a wall in front of my bedside, staring intently. But actually I was not staring, I don't know how to explain it, but I was looking at a blank distant point. Everything around me became blurry ( imagine trying to trace lines with your finger on charcoal) and it was like I was looking at the wall and everything from the corner of my eyes from outside of me, like from the front and back both. I tried turning and after some second of derealizing and questioning reality ( I felt like I was not in the real world, like a dream but very real too) I came back to. The normal sense of reality returned but I was still feeling a bit disoriented and confused and the 'not real' feeling still lingered for a bit of time.
The whole thing maybe lasted some minutes but I remember it vividly (the parts of derealization and the feeling of derealizing) even now after so manh years.
After that, I derealized some more times, like 4 or 5 times and then it stopped even if I wanted to I couldn't anymore.
I guessed it stopped after I found 7cups and talked to people here, I gave real hard effort in finding a good mental health app after realizing how *** up I was.
But of course, the situation and feeling of when I want to forget reality and derealize again hasn't stopped and sometimes it feels like I am about to derealize but I can't or maybe I do derealize but don't remember (yes, its confusing).
The above parts can be very confusing I know, some of the things I have written here are still confusing for even me too, but I tried my hardest and best to get through to the readers what I want to express and say about my experiences with OCD and Derealization.
Thank you so much to anyone who read till now and I would be okag if anyone wants to share their own experiences here. It makes me happy to get to know more people who are going through the same problems and trying to support each other too.
Tagging people who might like to see this :
@0XanXan0 @80HoneyMilk08 @Almaty99 @Anupriya5555 @BeeHeartsBooks @Bluecat10 @calmmoon2104 @daydreammemories @inventiveYard695 @ivoryApple2943 @Mishka1599 @RainySummerDays @rationalGrapefruitq @sunshine0814 @versatilecat1977
I don't know to write today really. I wish I could open a window today, at dawn and let the cold quiet breeze in as I viewed the blue foggy sky and nature.
I wonder if it is really possible for the nature and world around us : cityscape, countryside, view from a window or balcony from a high rise, a playground or even the calm and quiet peaceful neighborhood; to look like those blue aesthetic pictures on Pinterest.
Melancholy, peace, calm, quiet, solitude, serenity, tranquility, happiness and nostalgia..how wonderful that would be I wonder on now..
@calmmoon2104
heyy calm💚💚 the pictures are so nice, i also very much appreciate the details and all the effort you put into this thread. it was extremely informative and in such a way to describe your own experience as well. i hope you're doing okay buddy🍀
@daydreammemories
Thank you very much dream! I almost gave up on anyone reading all this haha, but thank you💙
@calmmoon2104
Awwww, of course! it's nice of you to share your experience with us-- and reading this taught me a lot about OCD! 😊💚
@daydreammemories
I am glad that you learned about OCD from this thread! 💙
So many thoughts feelings and emotions
So many prayers wishes and laments
So much excitement and happiness
So much anger and sadness
So much nostalgia and melancholy
So many thoughts of s
So many thoughts of escape
So many thoughts and notes
Never told and never wrote.
Was writing whatever the things I have wrote till today enough?
Am I enough truly?
No the answer, truly, is not.
I will always remain okay not not okay
Drifting from moment to moment
Staying calm on the waves
Fighting through storms
Sometimes washing up on the shore
Wishing rather I would be devoured by the sea
And become a jelly
A moon jellyfish of the hue blue of night
The moon would smile content
That I was always okay
Yet never better.
Maybe the tears of the moon and mine will form the sea and it would be truly okay peacefully.