OCD - How does your family react?
Common reactions from family members? How do you manage your family and your disease?
Hi Laura, I have been trying to tell my family too, or at least my mom. I know it's not easy, It's been months now :/ .. But today I almost told her, at least she know I'm not okay, and she really wants to help me, I always felt like they would be weird about it, becauseI think I know how you feel, I fell embarrased and I feel weak, but I know I need help, so I know I have to tell her, I'll tell you how it goes when I finally tell her.
My mom would just get mad at me when I expressed stress about something. My biggest problem is contamination. When I would freak out about the germs on something she would roll her eyes. She started just getting frustrated and would raise her voice at me. For a time I washed my hands so much they dried badly started peeling. It was so embarrassing and I tried to hide it, but how do you hide your hands? She saw the peeling skin and got mad at me and told me to stop washing so much. I started hiding it more. I stopped trying to seek comfort from her because she just didn't understand and would stress me out more. I decided to deal with it alone. Once she commented how I "used" to be and I said that it's still the same. She was surprised. I had hidden it for 4 years by then. I told her I stopped talking about it because she would get mad at me. She seemed hurt and said "I wasn't mad at you, I was frustrated because I couldn't help you and I hated to see my baby stressed out like that." Now my family just thinks I'm lazy, because cleaning stresses me out so bad. All I think of is the germs. Cleaning is mentally exhausting. I cry sometimes because I want them to understand that I'm not lazy, I'm tormented.
My family reacted much like how Marian's family did--not understanding, disappointed, thinking I was overreacting/making trouble. It didn't help that my older brother had OCD too, but our symptoms presented differently. His started out germophobic, but mine were more organizational/perfectionistic before eventuallyincluding germophobia and agoraphobia. Some of my OCD traits (ones that did not fit with my brother's)were not considered by my family to be part of my mental illness, just me acting out. "Why are you so mad? Why are you doing this?" were common refrains.
When they finally accepted I was truly mentally ill, with the symptoms getting worse and me not botheringto hide it anymore (as well as some half-decentpsychiatrists explaining it to my parents), the attempted help by my familywas more harmful than supportive. Again, from a lack of understanding.There was a lot of "there's nothing to be afraid of" being said to me, which I knew, of course, as well as the fact that they were trying to help and comfort, but only further frustrated me. OCD is a glitchy mind loop. It's not rational, and we know it, but that's what makes it so compelling and frustrating. It's hard to get family to understand that essential bit.
I eventually dealt it with two ways:
1) having friends and some psychiatrists intervene and explain things to my family as mediators
2) moving out of my parent's house
Having outside intervention helped because the family was more likely to listen to an outsider's view of things. By being the mentally ill one, unfortunately, your opinion can be viewed as too subjective. (Your opinions and feelings on the matter are completely valid. It's just hard for others to see it that way.)
The psychiatrist was also helpful in explaining the basic concept of OCD to the parent that didn't understand what it really entailed. That it is an illness, not just teenage rebellious behaviour. That it is frightening. That it is compulsive, in the sense that the illness can be very very compelling and overwhelming.Of course, this depends on the psychiatrist being a competent one that is willing to be a supportive liaison.
Sometimes, family just doesn't get it. It's not your fault, never younot being a good enough child tohelpthem to understand. It sometimes isn't even their fault for not understanding. It just is. I found that distance helped in making it less immediate for everyone involved. That emotions could be cooled down and some rationality come in. They don't have to see the OCD symptoms every day so they aren't so intent on 'fixing' you, which allows you to deal with the OCD at your own pace.
Note: this is all from the perspective of a young adult who grew up with OCD as a teen. Now still living with it but learning how to work with it.
My mum asked me "what's ocd ?" I think she cldnt accept tt her daughter had it. she was hesitant abt starting me on meds too. I refer to my psychiatrist as "her bf" cause she said my psych was good looking. Makes it easier than saying psychiatrist. In a way I still feel ashamed of myself for having it. My father jokes abt my condition, saying you better eat yr meds or else you go crazy.
Ritalyn, have you tried explaining how those comments make you feel?
Hey Marian, nope I have not. Because I rather know how they feel than them pretending :/
You can encourage honesty without insensitivity. You could say it hurts your feelings when your father uses words like "crazy" or that they can tell you if they're uncomfortable with what you're dealing withbut to please not make jokes aboutit to "lighten up"the situation.
I feel weak if I say I feel hurt haha it's like i judge myself.....
I understand :)
It's hard for me to be open with my family about how I feel when they roll their eyes at me. I'm afraid if they know the extent of what I'm going through they'll force me into therapy instead of going when I'm ready. Which I'm not. We have trouble payingthe bills sometimes, I can't ask for $100-$200 dollars a week for therapy. So instead I let them roll their eyes, let my sister get offended when I sanitize my phone after she touches it, let them yell at me when I ask the samequestion a thousand different ways because forsome reasonIhave doubt that I understood it correctly, let them think I'm a slow reader when I'm re-reading thesame two sentences5 times, and themthink I'm childish because violent movies trigger disturbing obsessive thoughts so I close my eyes for half the movie. It's tough sometimesbut knowing I'm not alone really helps.
I feel less alone now. Guess sometimes the people whom we live with, who has to see our irregular behaviors do comment on our actions. I guess I've learnt not to take it to heart, don't rly care abt what they say. Like sths they joke tt I'm so afraid of dying when I ask repeated qs.
they just don't understand
at least here's a place where I can talk abt my ocd issues w ppl who kw what I'm going through. :) I can't find a support group in my country
Me and my parents never discussed it, i think they know that something is up, the way i freak out when they touch my papers on my desk, or how I wash my hands so much, but we arnt the talk it out type of family, so im just going to wait until university. My mom gets really mad sometimes at my habits, and asks why i freak out about these small things, and calls me crazy, but i know if I say i have OCDshe's going to yell more, she wont even admit it when I have an allergic reaction to dust. The ironic part is that she is a compulsive checker and takes forever to leave the house. She doesn't know what OCD is though, i would have to explain it to her if I ever came clean.
They've sort of accepted some of my compulsions which I suppose is better than I might have hoped for, but apart from that, not always very well. Sometimes my mum has tried to be understanding (more than my dad has done) and even been kind, but she'll drop it if it suits her, for instance if she decides my condition is a nuisance to her, or if she merely happens to be in a bad mood. Funnily enough, screaming at someone with an anxiety disorder, to the point where they're crying and can't even think straight with fear, does not actually help any. They've used crazy as an insult and invalidated my feelings even on things that have absolutely nothing to do with my OCD. Living away from them now and wondering how to undo some of the damage. I've become rather sensitive, I think, my OCD means I already find criticism and making decisions difficult at times since I already doubt myself so much and feel I can't trust my decisions or knowledge, so it's worsened that, and I just can't handle the prospect of being shouted at or betrayals of trust again. Even relatively mild incidents from them just reduces me to a shaky wreak for the rest of the day, feeling tearful but numb. Trying to reason with them has generally made it worse, or not changed things long term.
Is that wrong, do you think, to be so upset by it? (and yes, I suppose asking is OCD reassurance seeking a bit but I do genuinely wonder) I mean, it seems to be that being screamed at extremely harshly would naturally stay with you, and that the times when the person was kind wouldn't necessarily balance it out or make it better. It was sort of worse, sometimes, because I didn't know what to expect and it made it feel like I didn't have a right to be upset, and also it made me more overly desperate not to make them mad (though it was hard to help, with my OCD). I don't really trust myself or my judgement anymore.
I struggle with unwanted thoughts, so i know that being upset by something is the worst way to get over it. Whenever i just accept a thought, its like nothing else could happen and i move on. I struggle in decision making under pressure, and it has definitely impacted me socially because sometimes i just do not know what to say. but i know that most of the time my gut feeling is correct, i just don't go with it due to habit i guess.
my mother is similar to your's she drops the issue when she is so inclined and yells about it at other times (when she is in a bad mood), it is definitely frustrating to be surprised by this every so often, and it does ruin the rest of my day. i have given up on reasoning with my parents, they just wont see my side. plus my parents dont trust me with relatively minor things, and wont believe things i tell them until they see from some other source it is true, and even then sometimes they think it is all made up
They thought I would worry myself sick because I would stay up at night checking things and going through my belongings to make sure nothing bad was there. I would be tired and my chest would hurt from panic but I wouldn't stop checking.
