Marriage struggling after having a baby
Is anybody else’s marriage struggling after they had a baby ?
My little one is 15 months old today - we love him to pieces, but our marriage since we had him has been hanging by a thread.
We have more arguments now that don’t really have any solutions but just sort of die down… our sex life has completely tanked.. little one Co sleeps with us so we barely have any time or opportunity for intimacy.
I used to work a full time job before but circumstances at work meant that I had to stay at home after mat leave. I am with baby all day and I love being with him and looking after him, but sometimes it can get overwhelming doing it all on my own. My husband works a full time job and although he does his share of looking after things at home, the burden of childcare really falls on me - feeding, bedtime, nap time etc.
I’ve adjusted my sleep to make it so that I’m up whatever time baby wakes up even on weekends, but I don’t see my husband doing the same - it seems like I’m pretty much the default parent most of the time.
I find myself resenting my husband a lot, and he says he feels like he’s on a roller coaster with me everyday- sometimes happy with him and sometimes shouting or being unhappy with him. What he doesn’t see is the sense of overwhelm and lack of sleep and support on a daily basis. We’ve tried to talk about things and work it out but the same issues sort of keep coming up again and again..
I don’t know how couples cope with life after having a baby, this is wild and I am so tired.
Would love to hear from other parents 🤓
@Aayla thank you so much for your reply, I do like your idea of having him try and live my life for a day or two without extra support. I will see how we can work this into our weekend sometime… 🌼
@Anxiouskitten23
Parenting is hard and not a thing you can take a real break from.
I am sure many different perspectives on parenting could start a never ending conversation.
You may have some resentment about him going to work talking with other adults etc. You are with a toddler all day and there is no end of day or time off. Do you miss your work or time out of house? It is OK to admit that it is not a reflection as you as a mom of your connection with child. He walks in after his workday is done ......and may find jumping in with what is going on at home is like jumping into a game they are not up to speed with or a movie half way thru and they are not sure what has happened so far. May feel like an outsider.
There is also many views on the child sleeping with you. It is more then intimacy it is the child becomes a wall between you, both physically and mentally.
Can you take a date night or have someone close watch your child for a few hours? Reconnect the sooner the better...do you have anytime for yourself?
Maybe spouse has a few hours on weekend to be main parent and you could do errands or just time away with friends etc. They will do things different then you would but that is OK. If you take this time to reflect you will be more willing to make adjustments to how you are doing.
Many think reasons to NOT do it until it is to a point where these small pressure relief valves do not work and things fall apart.
@toughTiger6481 thank you so much for your reply. This is an interesting perspective, one that I’ve not considered so far. « He walks in after his workday is done ......and may find jumping in with what is going on at home is like jumping into a game they are not up to speed with or a movie half way thru and they are not sure what has happened so far. May feel like an outsider. «
how do you think this can be resolved ? How can I make him feel less like an outsider?
@Anxiouskitten23
It may be case specific but i have seen many parents in this situation. What happens now when they come home?
Example: when a parent comes in and perhaps we have worked to have child focused or perhaps eating and they seem excited or distracted by the new arrival and they no longer want to do what they are doing ....so we feel all effort to get child settled was wasted and resent new arrival not by anything they did but it was not in our vision or plan.
or perhaps we want and welcome a break but the parent arriving can have had a bad day and not ready to take on something ...or just in the door or they are and start engaging but it differs from what we would have done and some of us correct them ..." no we can not play until all toys picked up" Then the other parent may feel like treated as child not a partner or equal.
We do not always know what kind of day they had and they do not know what day you had either.... if we are on edge or having a bad day.... IMO too often we take it out on the relationship. I learned to take time to say "it is not you" "I or we had a bad day" that goes a long way.