Chat Between @jesusredeemedme2425 and @cyanessence
@jesusredeemedme2425
Starting a fresh comment, was getting a bit messy.
What's on your mind Ki?
Feeling lied to.
@jesusredeemedme2425
I'm sorry you feel that way. If I did say something that wasn't true, it wasn't intentional and is cause for concern. And I believe you, so I will act on it.
This saddens me greatly. I strive to be an honest person. It's the very thing that allowed me to break my depression. It's the only thing that allows me to exist on here without causing damage.
But if I am causing damage, unintentionally, I need to step back.
I'm sorry I've hurt you. I'll take some time to look at myself.
Idk how I feel rn
@jesusredeemedme2425
I don't want to cause confusion or further hurt. So I'm not going to try and make you feel one way or the other.
You don't always need to figure things out immediately. I'm angry at a God I barely believe in for this, you are completely innocent.
Just let things settle. If you land on that you can't trust me, I understand. And if I need to go in order to preserve this safe space for you, I will happily go. I've learned a lot and appreciate what was, but you need this place more than me. There are other forums out there.
I wasn’t talking about you
@jesusredeemedme2425
Oh! I'm sorry. I just worry a lot!
I hope you find a way through.
It’s cool… Just don’t make me doubt you anymore.
Work was meh, but I was off.
@jesusredeemedme2425
I will do my absolute best.
I'm sorry you felt off. It's tough not feeling like oneself. Always happy to chat about it, but understand if you just want to let things lie, not overanalyse. It's a problem for me, I don't want it to be a problem for others.
This chat is entirely up to you at the moment. Want to talk about clouds? Why people like bitter coffee? Anything you want, even nothing if you choose.
Thank you
Problem for you?
Idk, pick a topic.
I have a migraine…
Idk how I've managed to not have a complete and total mental break in the past few days…
@jesusredeemedme2425
I probably would have. It's hard to express how fragile I can be. I look up to you.
How fragile can you be?
Why do you look up to me?
@jesusredeemedme2425
Because of my rejection sensitivity dysphoria, I get hurt by people easily. I know it's irrational though so I never blame, not myself or the other. It gets better daily. I learned a lot recently.
I look up to you, genuinely. You have a lot on your plate but you go to work? I'm impressed. If I'm not feeling myself I tend to shut down, neglect responsibility. I need to grow up lol, I've only begun swimming as of the last 2 months.
You also take time to be there for others, in spades and depth. I think you're really strong!
I have to go to work. Or else I don’t have a job and a home.
Swimming?
Meh. I hate being strong.
@jesusredeemedme2425
It's simple fact hey? Gotta work to survive.
Previously I was drowning. Then I was treading water. Now it feels like I'm swimming, but in a storm.
Strength can be a burden.
***TW***
What caused the post I commented on? The recent one
I keep working even when I’m d***g inside.
It’s AWFUL.
@jesusredeemedme2425
I wish people didn't have to work so much, so hard. Especially if it's not one's passion.
Initially the post was because I was starting to feel burnt out. Couldn't keep up the pace.
Then I felt I failed you and essentially had a meltdown. It was tough, but I never blamed you. I know you have trouble trusting so I felt terrible I exacerbated that. I cannot remember making such a contradiction... but I accept things for what they are. Like I said, I default to you in this. It really feels like it was a glitch!
I really like my job, and my people. <3
Was it me?
I swear I’m not making this up. I remember being confused because you said that, but you don’t look Asian.
@jesusredeemedme2425
Glad you've got love to carry you through.
My RSD got the better of me, and my autism demanded to know certainly what happened, so I broke a bit. Gave into depressive thinking. It was an all-too familiar brain space, but I processed it rather than bottling.
I don't doubt your memory and experience. Why would you lie? In the same sense, I don't know why I would lie about my location unless I was having a mental breakdown. So I take it as an early warning sign, a time to get on top of therapy.
It was truly odd, I know I have a bad memory, but it's not *that* bad! Really freaky. But I trust the people around me, they tell me what's real. Without others I would be lost. I've tried existing on my own and it only lead to darkness and sorrow.
Me too <3 My boss was super supportive today about me calling out. He hugged me too <3
Awww :(
Do you have BPD or anything?
Perhaps an autocorrect issue?
@jesusredeemedme2425
Perhaps time for a fresh chain.
@jesusredeemedme2425
Good boss! Support the supporters as I say.
My conditions are still a bit of a mystery. I'll just be brutally honest here.
I don't know whether to believe my diagnosis of schizophrenia. It's been over 13 years since I had symptoms. I'm on the spectrum, ADHD. Friends have wondered about bipolar and borderline. I feel there's more I'm forgetting.
I feel utterly broken sometimes! But I accept it. Somehow, especially recently, I can think pretty clearly. I have trouble with basic things, but I can reason pretty well. Logic and reasoning was my strongest subject in university.
I think you should make posts about them. Maybe some clarity from the “hive mind” might help. (What show is that from?)
Basic things?
I feel like c**p.
@jesusredeemedme2425
Aw I'm sorry I missed you, had some things to attend to.
I don't think I have the right words to make you feel better. You are just in my thoughts, and my prayers.
It’s all good. What time is it there?
But who are you praying to? You said you’re agnostic.
@jesusredeemedme2425
3:33 pm. There?
I don't think I can deny my faith, but I'm not ready to let go of agnosticism. So I pray! It's given me strength lately, a reason for things.
Ah ok. Can’t tell you for safety reasons lol, but it’s nighttime here lol
I think you believe more than you realize. Have you read the Bible?
@jesusredeemedme2425
Always stay safe.
I think you're right. I actually went to church the other day, and it gave me courage and confidence. I connected with the pastor, he took me to dinner and we just talked. He's gonna get me a Bible.
Safe is best. :)
Told you. :)
Read it :)
@jesusredeemedme2425
I'm gonna start with what was it... the gospel of John? I think that's the one.
Read that, then Revelation. :)
@jesusredeemedme2425
Thanks for the tip! Honestly it seems quite nebulous. How do you even approach it? It doesn't seem like the kind of thing you read from start to finish.
The Bible itself, you mean?
@jesusredeemedme2425
Indeed. The question is: how does one approach reading the Bible?
Also, might be time for a fresh comment.
It’s honestly up to you. Some people read the whole thing straight through. Some people start with John. Some people just bounce around.
I definitely recommend reading the whole thing straight through. Lots of references and cross-references make meanings and such clearer. Such a rich gleaning! <3
@jesusredeemedme2425
Good advice :) I'll start with John for sure, then Revelation. Then I'll strongly consider just start to finish. I think I'll just be happy to be reading again.
You can see I'm drawn to these things. It's where my intuition leads me.
You can report back here as you read to make it more fun and interactive :)
You haven’t been reading lately?
What kind of things?
@jesusredeemedme2425
That's a good idea, sharing the experience.
No, I don't know why but I struggle to sit down and just read a book! I bought a bunch recently but they're just sitting there. I'll get to it eventually.
I'm drawn to God and all things related to it. Faith has given me a strength I've never known. And I'm terrified of being judged for it.
Do it :)
I love books lol. More collecting than reading lol
Judged for what?
@jesusredeemedme2425
I love books! I did read The Alchemist somewhat recently, it was nice.
I have a friend who kind of sees me having faith as a problem, a denial of my own nature. I will have to tell him at some point, I need to be open and honest with him like I try to be with everyone.
I’ve heard about that one a decade ago.
What do you mean?
@jesusredeemedme2425
My major breakdown had some religious themes. So he sees me having faith as a kind of early warning sign.
I think he could understand me having faith in response to my friend passing. I just couldn't accept he was entirely gone.
Religious themes? How so?
I’m sorry about your friend :(
@jesusredeemedme2425
I thought I was talking directly to Jesus for a little while, although it was mainly me asking him questions. I just wanted to know what he had done and what the plan was. It seemed so mysterious to me... I don't recall ever getting a reply though. Just me talking to him. It felt scarily real but I was pretty broken at the time. It scared my friend. Hence I'm scared to tell him of my faith.
It's okay, with faith I believe he is in a better place. I process it occasionally, I made a post in Grief & Loss about it, was cathartic.
@jesusredeemedme2425
I might take a break from screen time for a bit. Thanks a lot for chatting with me. I'll catch up with you in time!
Is it my fault?? I’m sorry :(
@jesusredeemedme2425
No no, I just realised I have been spending a lot of time on my phone lately. It'd be great if we could just chat all day lol, I enjoy it a lot. But I need to get *some* things done haha ^^
I’ve been determined to accomplish things today too. Deleted a bunch of emails and photos, read my book, did dishes, made one Christmas card, etc.
But it’s really hard when your mom is so sick…
@jesusredeemedme2425
Sounds quite productive! I'll try and make more of my days. It's just... I'm learning so much here. It *does* feel productive, but ostensibly it can lead to me feeling burnt out. All about pacing I guess.
Thinking of Christmas? It's good to think of the future. I should also focus more on things like that. I don't like leaving things until the last minute, although it has helped me improvise.
Send my regards, I wish you both all the best.
You don’t have to feel guilty about spending time on 7Cups <3
Maybe alternate 7Cups with other things? Like use 7Cups as a reward? :)
I draw handmade cards, so I start early lol
Thank you :)
Hey… It might have been Sun who told me she was from Asia. I just checked her PM. But I’m pretty sure you did too…
If I was wrong, will you please forgive me?
@jesusredeemedme2425
I place no blame on you. You were just noticing things. If it didn't actually happen (which we may never know for certain), it at least spurred me on to seek therapy. I needed that, I've been meaning to get on top of it but I needed motivation. That just came in an unexpected form lol.
You are kind, gentle, honest. If you ever made/make a mistake I would forgive you without hesitation. You are well-intentioned.
I thought you were leaving me :’(
@jesusredeemedme2425
I really feel like we are actually friends. I care just as much about you as I do my best friend of 20 years. Took me by surprise... I just joined 7 Cups to maybe spread a little love and get some help myself. I never expected this!
I can't imagine myself making a decision to leave you behind. I would accept if you needed me to go for whatever reason, like I said, this is a safe space for you and I don't want to intrude.
We ARE friends <3 You’d be surprised at how attached you can get to these guys. Tiny is practically my sister, Torean is my best friend. It’s weird how this can just be words on a screen… But it can make you love someone deeply. It’s beautiful <3
Your challenge: Make a penpal chat with someone. Give them an “out” in case they don’t want to or aren’t comfy. Just tell them you’d love to get to know them better :)
You better not :P
No, quite the opposite… You’re keeping me sane :)
@jesusredeemedme2425
Tiny is great, full of love, and giant tiny hugs. Torean is very interesting and deep, had the privilege of reading a poem of theirs. Very good writer.
I do miss the people here when I'm off-line!
I'm getting familiar with some of the regulars. What really warms my heart is when I see new faces, as it's a brave act to reach out in an unfamiliar environment.
I kind of want to know more about Creamyyy! They are so insightful, and I can't help but worry about them. A pen pal chat might be in order if they're up for it. I'll pose it to them at some point.
You keep me sane too haha ^^ I feel really special that you give me so much of your time. We've talked a lot! You're helping me heal, I feel so much better now.
You should read Tiny’s story. It’s sad and hard to read, but inspiring <3
Torean is a dude around our age. He’s super fun to talk to and loves both deep and silly convos hehe
Look up a Frillback pigeon. They’re so pretty! <3
If you click on Torean’s profile on a computer, you can find his other poems too :) Look up Tiny’s posts as well!
Right??? Me too lol
Any that stick out to you?
Yeah, I try to respond to the NR posts, because I want to keep up the retention rate. I mean that to say, I want people to stay! And if they feel seen and heard and loved, there’s a better chance that they will :)
Why not just make one? I’ve done that for others. Just give them the option of responding or not! People LOVE surprise penpal chats when I make them <3
You’re really fun to talk to, and deep and insightful. Not everyone has deep convos with me, so this is refreshing :)
I’m helping you heal?
I just counted all my penpal chats, and if I counted right, I have 25! Lol
@jesusredeemedme2425
I will definitely check out Tiny's story! I don't know much, just that there have been struggles. It's nice to see such a bright light in life! I'm inspired just by her attitude.
Torean and I share an interest in the absurd haha. Makes me happy. I get a real kick out of absurdist humour, I will share jokes with them for sure.
Frillback hey? I learn something new every day. Truly beautiful birds. Thanks for sharing! They're so... fuzzy!
I didn't know you could find posts using a computer. I might have to do that in order to find Tiny's story. And Torean's poems. Lucky to have gotten a new laptop recently.
I like soulsings and Sunisshiningandsoareyou, they stick in my terrible memory. There are definitely more but... memory T_T
I still do NR posts! Every day I try to do some. You are right, it helps people stick around. It's such a smart feature.
Alright, I'll surprise them with a chat :) we enjoy talking to each other. I know I was happy when you surprised me!
Our convos are non-linear now, happening all over the place. It's spicy, I like it a lot. You're a pleasure to talk to.
Yes! Just by engaging me I feel at ease. More normal than I've ever felt. I've struggled talking to people in the past, now it seems to flow. You're a big part of the reason for that change. You help me in ways I never thought possible.
I'm glad you're talking to so many on a personal level. I don't want to hog your time! Your light should be seen by all.
Lunch time!
Her story definitely needs a TW, but it’s incredible who she’s become <3 Ask Tiny about Mayo hehe
Torean is a dude btw :P Ask him about his weird dreams, his dog, and his Guinea pigs :)
Yw! Look up the different breeds of chickens too! They’re so cool :)
Yeah, the app sometimes leaves something to be desired lol
You can also use that method to stalk my old posts hehe! I’ve made a lot of fun ones, go check them out!
Sun is the sweetest :) I don’t have a lot of interaction with Soul. Speaking of Soul, I love mytwistedsoul. He’s an incredible guy :)
Check out my tag lists in my encouragement posts for more ideas :)
Thank you so much! I try to knock some out every night :)
Who are you making the chats with? <3
Spicy… I do not think that means what you thinks it means. Idk what it means in Australia, but it means… um… inappropriate here lol
Awww :)
You’re not hogging my time! Lol. I love writing to you :)
@jesusredeemedme2425
I'm on my laptop now, will find Tiny's story and Torean's poetry. I don't know why I didn't do this sooner, I'm much quicker on an actual keyboard than a phone.
I had such a strange dream the other night... if I could describe it in one word, it would be noetic. Just dripping with hidden meaning. I wonder if Torean would be able to make sense of it. It's hard to even put into words though...
I've interacted with mytwistedsoul at least once and I agree! Incredible guy.
I want to chat with Creamyyy. They just speak what I wish I could say.
Oh! I didn't mean spicy in that sense lol. The psychologist assessing me describes neurodivergence as neurospicy, so I picked it up from context. I'll keep in mind it can mean other things xD
You are a good writer. This is very cathartic for me. Reading, writing, reflecting. Makes me feel truly alive.
Feel free to share more music btw, you have good taste.
Right??? Lol. I use my phone more than my computer because typing hurts my carpal tunnel more.
I’ve never heard that word before. Lol
Torean would absolutely make some kind of sense of your dream <3 And he’d figure it out even if it’s hard to put into words.
Make a chat with Creamyyy :)
Ohhh lol, i wasn’t sure if you knew what it meant. Words mean different things in different countries lol
Thank you! I’ve been published :)
Hmm… Roundtable Rival by Lindsey Sterling. Her music videos must be watched. Not merely listened to. :)
@jesusredeemedme2425
Especially being a writer. Kind of lost for words... you do so well with the hand you've been dealt (pun?)
I learned noetic recently. It's a very interesting concept to me.
Perhaps I should make a chat with Torean too! I'll get on to Creamyyy after this.
Oh, so could I like... buy a book you've written? What have you written? I'm so curious now!
Lindsey is great, she is living art. How she plays and performs simultaneously baffles me. Thanks for sharing, I'd forgotten her.
@cyanessence
@jesusredeemedme2425
The start got cut off there. It was: "Carpal tunnel? That must be frustrating!"
Yeah, carpal tunnel isn’t fun. What’s worse is that I got it while volunteering! Lol
I don’t write anymore. Unless here counts. Lol
I’m just glad I can still draw <3
What’s the concept?
Yessss do both! :D
Nah, I was published online, on a website that is now defunct. I published poems :) Maybe stories too but idk lol
Right????
Ready for your next song??
@jesusredeemedme2425
I can only imagine. If you don't mind me asking, what were you volunteering for? No pressure to respond, this is the internet after all and I respect your privacy. I've been considering volunteering, it's a good way to give back.
Just how many talents do you have?! My best friend draws and paints, his work is some of my favourite. Do you have a particular style of drawing? I tried my hand at it once, I liked making patterns the most.
A noetic experience is a moment of deep, intuitive insight or understanding that feels profoundly true and meaningful, often without needing logical proof. It's like suddenly knowing something important in a way that feels self-evident and transformative.
I would have loved to have seen your work. I'm happy just talking to you though.
More music would be greatly appreciated!
Remind me to respond to this tomorrow lol
It was an organization that gives emergency food to starving kids <3
What kind of volunteering would you like to do?
Idk, a lot? Hehe. Actually, I’m self taught. :)
I like fine tipped pens and watercolor pens :)
Whoa
Look up steampunk animal drawings, and stylized animal drawings. That way you can get an idea of what I like doing :)
Hmmm… Try Small Town Southern Man by Alan Jackson. :)
@jesusredeemedme2425
A gentle reminder to grace me with your wise words on the morrow.
@cyanessence
@jesusredeemedme2425
Just got back from dinner with family and friends for my nieces birthday. She is a ray of sunshine, full of energy and enthusiasm. The food was great, the company better. I told them of rainbow clouds, and heard tale of white rainbows? Living is learning it seems, a real show.
What’s a white rainbow???
@jesusredeemedme2425
Also known as a fogbow, it's a pale, colourless arch of light that appears in fog or mist. They're caused by sunlight refracting and diffracting off smaller water droplets in the fog, resulting in a blurred, white or pale arc. Unlike a traditional rainbow, a fogbow lacks the vibrant colours due to the smaller droplet size and the way light interacts with them, causing the colours to blend and smear.
I'd never heard of it before! I'm seeing a lot of beauty in the world lately... rainbow clouds, fogbows, frillbacks, lyrics, poetry, photos of flowers that look like paintings, people. The list goes on, my memory fails. I'm in awe, but it's gentle, no intensity.
Cool :) Look up albino snakes. And an okapi :)
@jesusredeemedme2425
Beautiful. Albino snakes are that way because they lack melanin. It's funny how a lack of something can lead to true uniqueness, prettiness. Of course it's not always the case... the world works in mysterious ways.
Okapi are so cool! Nature really is an artist. I appreciate you sharing these sights with me... there's so much to see.
Now look up photorealistic drawings :)
@jesusredeemedme2425
Incredible! I especially like faces, and in particular eyes. Magical stuff.
Right???
Now go look up pictures of a watermelon tourmaline <3
