Hey
@Tsuk
Sorry I should've told you I was gonna create this but I saw your last message before I left and thought I should respond.
@Tsuk
I felt the same way too. Like I was torn between wanting to get better and wanting to stay bad with the same feelings I had. It felt like that if I got better I wouldn't fit in with everyone else's problems. (That's the best way I could describe it if that even makes sense). Now that I'm feeling a little better and feeling a little more conscious of what I was going through I kinda realized that my feelings were what was holding me back. It was holding me back and making me feel like nothing could help and nothing would make me feel better. Don't give up things will get better your not alone. I'm here for you I always will be if you ever want to talk.
@IzzyGamer
it’s similar to me. Tho i think for me i could just be happy if i wanted. I mean. I think if i started to work on it i’d get better. But yeah the thing is i don’t want to….pretty much. So. Um. Yea. (Sorry i ramble back, always)
@Tsuk
I was the same way like I wanted to get better but I just didn't know how? Idk it was really confusing.
@IzzyGamer
mhmm
@IzzyGamer
also thank you..🫂🫂 i hope you stay well and that things go even better
@Tsuk
Ty ty. Hope everything gets better for you too. 🫂🫂
@IzzyGamer
Oh…it’s very sweet.. thanks. And it’s totally ok you made it
@IzzyGamer
izzy! Im freaking out. You know orange right? I wanted to check his account to see when he was last active, vause i haven’t seen him. And then it said the avcount has been removed. Idk if im freaking out cause im worried or cause im upset that he lefg like that, or that he didn’t get to answer my vents, what he made pen pal for us to talk, like couple days ago only. Idk it’s stupid but idk where to talk this and it’s making me cry. Idk. Im just worried and freaking upset. Do you know anything? Abt him? Idk, anything…
sorry it’s stupid
@Tsuk
plus it makes me feel like those things haoped cayse of me. Ppl leave cause of me. My grandma died when i talked abt a dress to wear at funeral and for some reason thought abt hers. My listened removed his account when i didn’t answer for a day, after venting out and him too ghosting me, and i never knew what he answered to me cause i van’t see the chat anymore. And like he was listener and like had said i can vent to him. Then on saturday (i g) orange created the pen pal to us, so i can vent there without being ignored, how i mostly feel everywhere. And it gone well but then i vented too much(orange said i didn’t and it was okay), then he said he was busy studying and will reply lated than he promised. And he acted little down, i guess, last i saw him in tcr. It felt weird. I guess it adds to why i’m worried. And now he’s account is removed….
sorry if it’s so so stupidd sorry sorry, i miss him i just worry, god damn..
@Tsuk
Sorry for late response.
I didn't know his account had been removed. I haven't seen him since yesterday and thought he was just busy with something and didn't think much more of it. I haven't heard anything from him either.
Listen tsuk take a deep breath. I promise this isn't your fault. I also noticed he was acting a little different but didn't think much of it either just thought maybe he was stressed with school stuff idk. We can't control what happened and it's ok to feel the way you, are I get it. you shouldn't worry tho maybe he'll come back i don't know. This isn't your fault. Like I've said I'm here for you and always will be if you need to vent you can and I promise I won't ignore you. We can't control what happened to orange all we can do is hope he is ok and that nothing bad happened to him. I'm here for you. It's going to be ok.
@tsuk
It doesn't help us to worry over the things we can't control. And I know your worried and upset I feel the same way about this whole thing too. But it's going to be ok. And I know I can't replace him but if you ever need anything or just want to vent I'll be here for you. (No pressure tho)
@IzzyGamer
i really hope he’s okay
@Tsuk
Me too
@IzzyGamer
i hope orange just took a break to study. I really hope. I don’t want to think what other things could be happening/happened. Im overthinking quickly i think.
also thank you… if you feel alone you can talk to me too, i won’t be best to support but i’ll be here
@Tsuk
I really hope so too. its going to be ok
@IzzyGamer hi izzy. I just thought i could write u. Hru
@Tsuk
heya. I'm fine. hru?
@IzzyGamer r u really? How is life going? I’m idk rn
@Tsuk
No... I'm not really fine lol. Life kinda sucks rn tbh. just a lot going on and too much to process. I'm always here If you want to talk about anything. 🫂
@IzzyGamer oh that sucks i hope it gets better🫂i’m here if u wanna talk aswell or just get tge mind off things or smth. It’s pretty mess for me too i’d say but i manage so far
@Tsuk
yeah its ok. I'm fine. just been having flashbacks.
@IzzyGamer flashbacks? U dont have to say its okay when its not, around me
@Tsuk
yeah flashbacks, from something that happened years ago. And Ik I just need to stop telling myself its fine when ik its not.
@IzzyGamer yeah. And izzy, it’ll be okay🫂💗 ur not alone, just letting u know if it helps
@Tsuk
yeah ty ty. idk I just have a lot of regret and fear idk.
you ok btw?
@IzzyGamer do you wanna talk about it? I’m here.
i’m not too bad
@Tsuk
i'm not gonna go into detail rn on what happened but basically I met someone online me being an idiot decided to trust him. Things got out of hand really fast and there is so much I did that I regret doing. I told this person way too much about myself and I'm just kinda scared he's gonna like track me down or smth. idk. I'm pretty sure I'm just overthinking everything. this whole thing feels stupid almost like this shouldn't be bothering me. I just so badly wish I could undo what happened. idk.
I just feel like I should have known better or stopped it before it went to far or blocked him or done literally anything. idk. sorry i didn't mean to start ranting lol
@IzzyGamer it’a okay. We all rant sometimes, especially me, so you’re doing it even. And i guess we learn from mistakes right? Things happen. And i know it hurts and we regret and it’s easy to say to “move on”. But it’ll happen eventually.
@IzzyGamer i get u. Overthinking can probably be making it bigger thing than it is but if it bothers u it bothers and that’s okay. Online do can make us too confortable and overshare i think- atleast me. I get that. I hope u can find peace with that thought and things what happened. It may be hard i know🫂🫂 but i’m sure you’ll get better
@Tsuk
ty ty. I just idk... its been bothering me for weeks. Because of what happened I get kinda nervous when I meet people especially someone online. that's kinda why I dont talk much on here anymore. This never used to bother me either.
@IzzyGamer i get that, yeah. 🫂 it’ll get better again
@Tsuk
thx. I'm just not sure about anything anymore. I want to let go and just move on I just don't know how? idk. I'll be fine. 🫂
@IzzyGamer i takes time, it’ll be okay
@IzzyGamer wanna talk smth more?
@Tsuk
Ok sure just not good with starting convos lol.
@IzzyGamer oh same i g
@Tsuk
What do you like to do in your free time? You draw don't you?
@IzzyGamer yea i do draw. I’m hoping to do it more now, when it’s summer. Improve snd stuff. It’s like only thing i’ve found joy in again. And idk i can express myself in paper and stuff so it’s kunda calming sometimes i g. Atleast the one i posted on here, it was one what at the start, when doing face, the most then, i took out my emotions snd it was really nice to do it
@Tsuk sorry damn i rant rn so much
@Tsuk
No need to apologize lol dw dw. I'm glad your finding something you find joy in again. For me I find drawing to be sorta calming always helps me to calm down a bit.
@IzzyGamer yess
@Tsuk
What do you normally like to draw?
@IzzyGamer usually ppl. Or faces mostly. My native language notebook in school is covered in face doodles lol. And some other notebooks but that the most. I guess i’ve learned through all of those, how to draw face
@Tsuk my postedpic was not too good example of this. I was testing some face appearance it wasn’t veey good drawing but it was nice so
@Tsuk
Oh cool I'm not very good at drawing faces lol I can never get the proportions right. 😆. My math notebook is all covered with random doodles too lol.
Also why r u still awake? 😛
@IzzyGamer oh math one yess, tho for me it’s mostly just lines all over the place. Little lines every way, making huge black blocks everywhere. I guess u can say my mind gets empty in math
about sleeping… woopsie. I’m actually super tiredd… will go to sleep soon. Just been not good i g and thinking a lot
@Tsuk
Math is so painfully boring. I'll just make like random shapes or random character doodles.
Yess sleep soon plz. You need sleep (:
@IzzyGamer hmm and what’s time for you, donmt u also need to sleep?
@Tsuk
It's 5:04 pm lol.
@IzzyGamer oh.. well i’d sleep then too
@Tsuk
At 5:21 pm? It's not even that late 🫠
@IzzyGamer whatever the time is, it’s always right time for the nap
@Tsuk
Hey, haven't seen you in a few days. Hru?
@IzzyGamer hey, i’m okay, thx. Wbu?
@Tsuk
You sure? I'm not doing so great, it's fine tho.
@IzzyGamer
hi,haven’t seen u or talked. How are you?
@Tsuk
hey, I was in tcr lol I just... wasn't talking sorry... 😓
idk im fine i g. hru?
@IzzyGamer
don’t be sorry it’s ok.
u sure ur ok, u don’t have to lie here remember🫂be urself
@Tsuk
yeah ik ik I remember... ok I'm not really fine. but it doesn't matter.
@IzzyGamerit does matter
@Tsuk
You never answered my question 😛
hru...?
@IzzyGamer
i’m okkayy
@Tsuk
hm... u sure?
@IzzyGamer
no but when to think logically there’s nothing wrongggg it’s just me so idk, it’s ok
@Tsuk
just because you don't think something is wrong doesn't mean there isn't something wrong... I kinda feel the same way tbh. I'm here if you wanna talk about anything tho.
@IzzyGamer
thank u, i’m here for u too. At least as much as i know how to.
For me rn. It’s just that i just feel weird. Like idk what i feel. I have thoughts of sh this time for real coping nit just copying it from others cause idk, it’s romantizised in internet a lot. Ut like i manage them. I haven’t. And like idk f there’s something wrong or not and it just pisses me off that i literally don’t know what i feel or what i want or what i am. And doing anything feels kind of inpossible or ,,. Well yeah. And i’m tired of yapping the same thing over and over again. Why not to have something actually wrong so i know what to fix and i’m not just in some fog. Kinda feels like there’s something wrong in me but again idk what and i just wanr to know and want to know who or what i am and what i want and idk. Exist with meaning. I just don’t destroy myself anymore cause i see ppl caring… even when i push away. And it’s good. Everything around me is good and i love it. But also i’m just *** and afraid to be myself or feel feelings. And i internally kind of pain myself or like overwork physically on purpose kinda idk. Idk ehat i’m doing. But others care keeps me from doing worst things. Cayse like, i don’t want to hurt them and it kinda hurts knowing…. Well yeah. It’s stupid yapp and it didn’t helpp i guess idk why i yap
@Tsuk
ik you've been struggling with this a lot and I really am sorry. to an extent I can understand what your going through. And its not stupid ik you say it doesn't help but tbh just talking about things is better than keeping it bottled up. ik what you mean when you say you don't know what's wrong but sometimes our mind does things to keep us safe from things we may not be ready to process yet. Like you feel something is off but you don't know what it is. That doesn't mean your broken it just means your human. its ok to feel scared about your emotions or being yourself. that's not weakness its part of what makes you real. you matter tsuk your not alone in dealing with this, I'm always here for you. things will get better. 🫂🫂
@IzzyGamer
thank u izzy, thank you that you’re here
@Tsuk
ofc ofc I'll always be here for you (:
@Tsuk
Hey, I haven't seen you in a while, miss seeing you around. how you doing?
@IzzyGamer
hey, i know i haven’t been around lately. Kind of been distansing myself cause, feeling like depressed or smth and not good physically or something. But it’s okay. Also i’m trying to heal. But idk.
i also though about you recently. It means a lot that u missed me being around🫂
how are you?
@Tsuk
It's ok I was just thinking about you and just wanted to see how you've been doing.
Its ok to distance yourself from things I kinda had to do the same thing for a while too. I do hope things start to get better for you tho. Proud of you for trying to heal. 🫂🫂
How I've been... Well I mean I'm alive so that's something.
@IzzyGamer
That’s something. But i’d like it to be better than just alive. How are things? Also hugs🫂, i hope things get better soon.
@Tsuk
Things are kinda just all over the place tbh. My emotions have been kinda chaotic recently. Flashbacks bothering me again, and things at home aren't great so that's not helping anything. and a bunch of other stuff too. Its fine tho.
@IzzyGamer
doesn’t sound too fine to me. Many diffucult things plus ypurselves emotions can truly be a lot. I’m here if u need to rant out things. Even if ut’s somthing you’ve already said earlier. I’ll listen anything. Sending a lot of hope and better things🫂🫂🫂💗
@Tsuk
Thx, idk my parents have made me feel like I don't matter I get yelled at by my mom a lot. They just never listen to me. I always feel like I'm doing something wrong. I just always feel like I'm never enough. I'm always getting blamed for something. Idk I g I'm just tired of always pretending I'm fine. But I'm scared to let people into my life because I don't want to be hurt again. I've pushed people away, started slowly distancing myself from everyone. Some days idek what's wrong with me. Everything is just... Confusing. I g I've been having like mini panic attacks sometimes too idk.
Anyways how've things been for you?
@IzzyGamer
it doesn’t sound fine at all. Idk ehat much to say about this, dd getting it out help at all? It sucks your parents are like this, i hope things will be better soon. Maybe u can search up some calming techniques? Also i found out chatgpt is really helpful, it knows stuff and can actually give tips and calming place.
i hope things get better izzy i’m also here if u need to talk more, i can just be here and listen to u. Abt panick attacks, do you know what triggers them? All of this i suppose. I wish i was there to help🫂🫂
i hope it gets better with parents. Just know, even if it doesn’t feel like it at all, u matter a lot and ur worthy. Ur good person, idk what ur parents or mom are talking or yelling about. It’s gonna be okay, ur not alone, remember.
Also i know how isolation seems like something helpful, i do this too. It takes time to heal but maybe you’ll find some ppl to slowly trust again? It will take time so don’t worry too much if it feels like it’s never gonna work out. I know how it feels like. Please take care of yourself, even for me. U can always, always text in here, even if it’s just “hi” or “i just got bad day” or moment. Or whatever really. I want to be there for u.
i’ve been okay. Tiredand depressed but it’s okay. I don’t really have anything to say abt it.
take care izzy it’s gonna be okay🫂🦔💗
@Tsuk
Ty ty. idk I g it's mostly just the flashbacks that triggers panic attacks I g. Idk sometimes I just feel like I was a mistake that I shouldn't even be here. Idk. Ty for being here for me, seriously means a lot. I g talking about it helped a little. I wanna be here for you too if you ever need anything. So glad I met you fr. You take care too 🫂🫂
@Tsuk
Hey, so idk when you'll see this but things have been getting out of hand, I never meant for this to go this far but it has. Ive been having a real rough time lately and have been feeling kinda unstable and I might disappear for a while. I'll still be around but mabye not as much... Or mabye not at all. I don't know if things will come to this but just In case it does go this far then here is my heads up. (I'm not in a crisis btw)
@IzzyGamer
okay thank u for letting me know then i hopefully don’t worry too much about you. I reallly, reallly hope things get better. I’d do smth if i was there. 🫂🫂 please take care, ur important💗
@IzzyGamer
u can always talk more, if it’s something that helps. I’m sorry the flashbacks are so strong i hope u can get back in road soon and that panick attacks fade away. I really hope. It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay izzy🫂 and ur not a mistake- i know those words donmt make the feeling go away. But ur not. I’m glad ur here and exist u know(:
take the best care🦔🦔🫂💗
@Tsuk
Hey.. How you doing?
Haven't seen you In a while. Tbh tho I haven't been around much anyways so it's not like I could've seen you anyways.
How r things? Have you started school yet?
Ok I should not be writing this at 1:30 in the morning but it's better than doing something stupid I g.
@IzzyGamer
hi, i just thought about writing to u yesterday. I just woke up so that’s why i’m writing this this fast reply.
i’m doing fine. I mean, fine as kind of. I guess. Idk nvm. What about you, how are you?
and yeah u haven’t been around too much. How are things now at home? Or just in general? U can just be honest(:
i haven’t started school yet….fortunately. I’m not ready. I doubt that i will be ready in two weeks. Honestly when summer started then i thought this is time when i’ll heal, nah, i’ve just made it worse for myself lmao. Idk how am i gonna do with school and i actually fear it. School already makes ma anxious to just be there and in general it’s hard to do anything physically hard or what needs thinking- so idk how i’m gonna study. It’s gonna be bad. In general, idk how things are.
I recommend going to sleep soon if u can🫂. Also what stupid would’ve u done?
🦔🦔
@Tsuk
the school worry is so stupid worry sorry. Why did i ramble so long about it
@Tsuk
Hm... R u really fine? You can always talk to me about it if you want.
I'm fine... Ok well not really fine I just don't really know anymore...
I've been kinda avoiding cups for about a million different reasons.
Things at home are... Ok I g. For now anyways. In general things are ok I think.
Mabye when school does start you can just take it slow. Start small at first mabye and work your way up? You don't need to apologize about rambling. Its not stupid.
I did sleep eventually lol. Idk I have this unhealthy coping thing that I'm trying to stop but that's not exactly going so great...
@IzzyGamer
do u want to talk abt this coping thing? Also i hope u can get better with it soon🫂.
i really hope things are actually fine for u but don’t hesitate to tell any small thing u want to get out, okay? Literally anything, big or small(:
i’m fine. Don’t worry. I really have nothing to say about it i g…idk:P..
can i ask why you’ve been avoiding cups?
yeah i hope i can work somehow up with school…
also i totally get the “i don’t know anymore” but kind of fine being stuff🫂🫂well i get it in my way. Ur not alone with things just always remember, alr?
@Tsuk
I'm not going to say what exactly it is but its just something that linked with past trauma which just kinda makes it really confusing and frustrating for me even though its technically a good thing idk its just confusing...
Yeah ik ik thx. for rn things at home are fine and just stuff in general is fine (:
oh come on you cant tell me your fine then tell me not to worry, that's gonna make me worry, its also my job to worry 🙃 seriously tho if you ever just need to talk about smth even if its small i'll be here.
I g I've mostly just been avoiding cups because I'm scared... Stupid flashbacks have been bothering me a lot more recently and I have been acting out and snapping at people out of anger and frustration irl and I'm just worried I'm going to do that on here too. So i've avoided people and just pushed people away a lot on here because I don't want to hurt anyone. I also just get nervous sometimes on here too cuz of trauma stuff idk.
I do hope you can figure out something with school tho. (: 🫂
@IzzyGamer
okay i understand. I hope it gets better.
glad to hear home things are fine fr fr🫂i hope best.
oops sorry. Well i mean i’m like fine but u know, weird. Feeling alone and sad, frustrated. Idk. And ..yeah. Closing off i guess. Idk how to talk abt things anymore that much.
sorry about the flashbacks, i hope they get better soon soon🦔(u have my hedgehog to pet every time u want). I get u why u aboid and oush away, it’s okay. It’s okay(:🫂💗. But don’t push too much and talk to someone(:
also i hope trauma stuff gets better.. tbh i’m rlly curious what ur trauma is but i know it’s not okay to ask and it’s uncomfortable so. But just wanted to say it out. U donMt have to say anything, rlly. I just said it so it’s not stuck in my head that much.
thank u🫂..
@Tsuk
ty ty I hope so too...
that's ok you don't have to talk about things if you don't want to just remember you have people who care abt you, you matter too yk (:
tbh I never really meant for things to go this far as to where i have to like distance myself from everyone I care about. Also no one really knows what's going on in my life except for like a few people on here.
Its ok to ask, I wont say exactly what happened but the topic is SA... so...
@IzzyGamer
thank u. It’s not that i don’t want i think. At some point at least.
Yea, i get it. And like, someone online knowing is not enough at all sometimes. At least it’s like this for me. It doesn’t help the feelings and stuff. It doesn’t feel real a lot of times.
Yeah, SA is what i thought. I’m sorry it happened to u and ur dealing with this. I honestly wouldn’t know how it is to be like this, at least not really.
it’s actually sad how many ppl in here have experience with this kind of stuff. I’m sorry if i make u uncomfortable i won’t talk more about this topic. But u matter and i’m glad u still try, okay? Even if u don’t feel like ur trying.🫂🫂🦔🦔💗
ur always welcome to our place here(ur really the only one i talk in pen pals and i’m happy ur here tbh, just letting u know)
@Tsuk
How did you know lol what are you a mindreader 😛
It's ok you didn't make me uncomfortable.
Your really the only one I talk to in pen pals too and I'm really glad your here too. (:
@IzzyGamer
great then
🦔🦔🦔💗
Hi @IzzyGamer hru? (Honestly)
@Tsuk
Hey. Idk tbh... Hru?
@IzzyGamer i’m fine(: ups and downs.
just still remember u can write anything here if u just need to, right? Anything(:
even silly or stupid. Anything u want to u can share here(: hedgehogs will take it happily🦔🦔🦔🦔💗
@Tsuk
If it's true then I'm glad your doing fine (:
Yeah ik Ik ty. I'm ok for now tho.