Smackmeisters: Slappers of Slappingdale, Order of the Exalted SmackyMcGee
@Amanda84
Guys I'm having a horrible night. I feel like there's no future for me. Try to be positive but it looks pretty bad ngl
Nooooooo, we love you and yes there is! <3
@jesusredeemedme2425
Thanks that means the world to me ❤️ Life's been feeling so depressing recently. It feels really hard. My whole family feels like strangers now and it's breaking my heart. Idk what to do with myself.
@agreeableSkies9889
Are you still talking to mom? I know you said you guys were close
Yeah! I love her. She said she'd love me no matter what even if she doesn't personally agree with how I live my life but I'm still terrified to tell her and I really doubt if she really suspects that this is what I'm struggling with
@agreeableSkies9889
Well it sounds like she'd be the first person to talk to in my opinion
I'm going to probably... I need to write a note... Maybe next week... Idk... I feel scared but I know I'm at a point where I have support and money which is more then some. It might not be perfect or great but I'll find away
You could always tell them your confused mixed feelings? Maybe that would soften the blow?
Idk if that's supportive or not... I'm not in the LBGTQ+ community. Feel free to ignore <3
@jesusredeemedme2425
I've had a talk with my mom yesterday and she said she already knows there's something going on with me and that she'd accept me anyway, and she has an idea of what it could be. I think she thinks I might be gay... Idk, I already told her I'm ace... I don't know... Maybe she knows that I'm trans... I just don't know... They're being more open then I thought or at least my mom is, Idk about my dad or sister but who knows... I'm writing a note... I'm just scared lol
You got this <3
Awww. Thank you 💟
I'm hoping they'll accept me as a girl but I don't want to bet on it
Im staying. <3
Thank you! You're always an awesome friend ❤️
I try to be hehe
@agreeableSkies9889
There absolutely is a future. It seems impossible now, you cannot see it, but deep breaths, this seems endless now but it'll pass, you just need to be gentle with yourself and not let things spiral 💛
I hope it passes ❤️❤️❤️ thank you!
Why is it that when I get a brand new mask out and wear it... I immediately sneeze into it??? Ewwww lol
@jesusredeemedme2425
I think it's because your sick. Am I helping?
Very much so. Thank you. My life is changed now.
Frustrated with my hand not cooperating while writing... I just started a new book tracker in a gorgeous journal my mom got me, and my hand kept spasming... Looks kinda messy now :(
😔
Have any hand exercises helped?
@Amanda84
I'm working with an accomplished Jockey from Ireland now. The first thing I said when I met him is "tell me you listen to kingfishyr."
He said oh yeah of course, they the best artist to come out in modern times. We listen to it in the truck now"
@SmackyMcGee
Ha, see , we have taste 😁 💚
@SmackyMcGee
@enigmaticBeauty2976
Have I been summoned? You know you can just say Beetlejuice three times
What's your favorite animal???
@jesusredeemedme2425
Large birds! I love birds that say "I am descended from dinosaurs" like cranes, herons and egrets. I also love bald eagles, comorants, osprey and hawks. I even love turkey vultures, as long as they're flying.
I love majestic creatures <3
@jesusredeemedme2425
Cats and foxes!!!
@jesusredeemedme2425
T-Rex with lightning coming out of it
@SmackyMcGe
@carefulEast6708
Suh 🤤
@SmackyMcGee
What can I say..you left me speechless 😂
Gorillas or triceratops.
How's everyone doing today?
@agreeableSkies9889
I'm good! I think I was wrong about that chick. She's been pretty great. We do a lot of video calls but I haven't met her in person yet. She's about 100 miles away but seems like she's worth the drive
You should totally go see her!
@agreeableSkies9889
Oh nope. Things went south. Neither of us are willing to uproot. She was well rounded (would have been the rock I was looking for). She wasn't afraid to give me pushback (told me I needed to put more effort into my responses; actually a good sign showing that she's not a pushover). Good conflict resolution (receptive of my apology and moved on). She had a good sense of humor and thought I was funny. We had great chemistry. She put in genuine effort. She was supportive (checked in on me the when she heard fireworks starting in her area). She would have offered the stability I want.
But she's 100 miles away and her dad is sick. But so is mine. Neither of us can leave. I didn't know her. I didn't love her. But my intuition tells me she would have been great for me and it's rarely wrong.
We had another call planned for tomorrow but I think we'll end up cancelling it. I think it would be easier if she just didn't like me but I can tell she does. I'm going to send her the song "Saying Sorry" by Hawthorne Heights and let her go.
Aww that makes me sad. I get it though. I'm so used to the Internet that a long distance relationship wouldn't bother me but I get how it might for others. Maybe you two could still be friends? Idk, I don't date so I'm not great at advice lol.
@agreeableSkies9889
@Torean
Things have somewhat changed? I kind of gave her the spiel about how it probably won't work out because neither one of us are willing to compromise and she kind of changed he stance. I currently live near my family which happens to be in basically the horse capital of the US so I really don't want to uproot. I think she might be willing to compromise because it's more expensive where she lives and she doesn't love her job.
I visited her yesterday. We mesh really well / really good vibes. I'm still not sure though because I worry closeness / commitment may be an issue. We shall see. Only time can tell
Eesh. Sorry to hear it. Your decision sounds like it might be a good one. I know what it's like to really commit to a long-distance thing, and it's really difficult.
@jesusredeemedme2425
@Amanda84
@AiluraTheCat
@RunningMachine
@LadyInSilence
@carefulEast6708
@Torean
@SmackyMcGee
@enigmaticBeauty2976
Hey guys! I wanted to ask if you wanted to see my coming out note? I'm going to ask my therapist about it too! I'm guessing nobody else in this thread is trans so I get if y'all don't have much to say but just your support would mean the world. I'm really scared about sending it to her. She said she already is guessing she knows what is going on with me, I'm pretty sure she knows I'm queer but I don't really know if she thinks I'm trans or not but she said she'll still love me unless I'm a serial killer lol. So hopefully it would go over ok. Anyways if you guys are interested I'll share it!
@agreeableSkies9889
I would encourage you to do it, but you have to be comfortable with it 💛
For sure. I'm really sending good energy your way, I want this to work out for you. Would love to take a look and be any help that I can
Absolutely! And here's hoping you're not a serial killer XD
@jesusredeemedme2425
No promises 👀👀👀👀👀👀
I KNEW IT!!!!
@agreeableSkies9889
I would be honored!
@agreeableSkies9889
Wishing you luck on your journey 🍀
@SmackyMcGee
Thank you ❤️ it will be rough but I want to be me
@jesusredeemedme2425
@Amanda84
@AiluraTheCat
@RunningMachine
@LadyInSilence
@carefulEast6708
@Torean
@SmackyMcGee
@enigmaticBeauty2976
Here it is guys. I'm still not sure if I want to rewrite this. Give any feedback that you feel you can. Also I got my first dress today and I look sooooo beautiful! I expected to cry or think I looked like a guy but I didn't. I just felt like me and now I'm feeling so happy 😊 😊 😊 😊 😊 😊 😊 😊 😊 😊 😊 😊 😊 sending hugs and love 💕
Hey mom. The talks we've been having recently make me a little more comfortable telling you how I feel. I'm not going to lie even though you said multiple times recently that you'll love and accept me no matter what. I'm still really scared and not sure how this will go down. You said it won't shock you too badly and I hope that's true. Anyways no matter what I still love you ❤️
I hope you'll read through everything before reacting too much. There's a lot I want to say
Since I started puberty I've been really depressed, I remember being 12 and really hating my body and myself and it never really went away. I've tried to change the way I feel but it has just gotten worse. When I was 13-17 and hanging out with a lot of girls I didn't really like them. Even p**** who I was confused about I was more so obsessed with then attracted too. I didn't know at the time why I was asking her out because honestly I wasn't feeling for her the way I heard other people say they felt about the person they liked… rather I was jealous of her and I wanted to be like her… I wanted to be pretty like her, I wanted to have friends like her, I wanted to dress like her. I started to feel that way around all the girls I was friends with. I felt very out of place with the wants of guys…
That's why this girl at work bothers me because she looks like how I imagine myself to look as a girl or how I'd like to… she acts and talks like me too and it throws me for a loop… it feels like when she's around the whole world is looking at me… I used to really enjoy feminine things and I still do but I started to realize that my feelings weren't purely because I was comfortable around women… It was because I felt like a girl and I was terrified about it and tried to be the exact opposite as hard as possible… I have been attracted to a few women and a guy but that's not what this is about and I'd rather be single and I don't think that will change and that's why this is really bothering me… because I know it's not about romance and really has nothing to do with it… I've known I wanted to be a girl since my teens but was terrified to talk about it. I didn't know anything about trans people or their experiences… but I've been slowly learning more… what gender dysphoria is as a mental illness and how to cope with it.
I don't really know if this is what you expected I felt like. I don't know what to do exactly. I've been having a lot of conversations with my therapist and some other people about it and my therapist asked me a very hard question that has really been bothering me. She said “if there was no one judging you, if there was no danger and everyone would love you the same, would you transition…” and honestly I would and I know I'd be so much happier if I did like dramatically so. I don't know what to do with that… I want to experiment with how I feel more. I'm not stupid, I know that would be a massive life altering decision and women live totally different lives than men do. I know that it would be extremely hard, that I could face harassment or violence or even be killed if I don't fully pass. But I feel like if I don't experiment with this I will be like this the rest of my life. Feeling like I'm playing a video game where my life's not my own and that I would rather not be here.
I feel like I should apologize but I don't know why. I don't want you to think it's your fault because gender dysphoria isn't caused by parenting or anything and it's not normal. There's so much misinformation being thrown around that I don't really know what you've heard and it really scares me thinking people might hear me say that I feel like this and immediately assume that I'm a pervert. My therapist has also said “I could live my life as a man but feel like a girl on the inside” but that makes me want to puke.
This isn't because I heard people say it on the Internet or want to fit in. I have a serious problem with how I perceive myself. And there's no known cure besides transitioning. I don't know if I actually would but I'd be lying if I said I haven't been considering taking estrogen.
I'm happy that you might have been at least partly ready to hear this but I'm sure it's a lot since you probably haven't been exposed to as many positive trans stories or people that I have been. Only less than one percent of people regret transitioning which is less than people who have heart surgery which is another thing that I've taken into consideration even though I know a lot of people do regret it and I probably won't be able to have kids or a completely normal life if I did. And I know some parts of my body are just naturally not feminine no matter how much I'd try.
Anyways this is what has been going on in my head and like I said though I look and sound like a guy I've never felt like one.
I am still thinking… I'm still trying to figure out how to live… and this is the hardest thing I've been dealing with.
If I did decide eventually to transition or at least present in a feminine way I hope it wouldn't ruin our relationship. I'm still the same person mostly regardless and I hope you don't just see me for how I dress or what's in my pants.
Anyways I love you ❤ ️ things won't change overnight but they might eventually and I don't know what I
will be.
@agreeableSkies9889
I've no experience to even try to understand how you feel but I take my hat off to you for your bravery in following your heart and can only wish that it helps you find inner peace and happiness.
Thank you 💟
@agreeableSkies9889
This is a beautiful, heartfelt letter. Your feelings and your love for your mom shine through it.
Putting on my editor hat...I would change one small thing. Where you write "I don't want you to think it's your fault because gender dysphoria isn't caused by parenting or anything and it's not normal, " I would take out "and it's not normal.". It doesn't really fit in this sentence, where you are reassuring your mom.
Ok. Thank you for your feedback and kind words it means a lot!
@agreeableSkies9889
🩷
That's really good, and sweet too. You should be proud of yourself for getting this far. You can definitely go the rest of the way! This is a really good start.
Most of my edits would be the more proofreading kind, but maybe the ending could be a little stronger. After you say that things won't change overnight, instead of the uncertainty vibe, something else might be better in its place. Like, maybe how much her support means to you, and/or how you feel sure that you want to transition despite knowing that it's going to be a learning process? Those are just a couple suggestions, but definitely go with what feels right to you
I'm lonely
@jesusredeemedme242
I'm sorry to hear that! Sending hugs your way.💕I
What flavor of loneliness are you feeling? "I am physically alone and need company of other people" lonely, or "I am alone in a crowd of people who don't get get me" lonely?
It's a cliche but we have an epidemic of loneliness in the US in particular. Someday we will collectively realize that there really is no substitute for human connection.
Mostly.... I can't find my people. And idk what I mean by that, because I HAVE people.
@jesusredeemedme2425
I think I know what you mean by that. I am fortunate to work with kind, supportive people who I am honored to call friends.. But they're not my people.. I don't fully "get" them, and they don't fully "get" me.
Yeah. Most of my "friends" are coworkers... and I dont think most of them actually care a ton about me, at least to still be friends outside of work, yk?
@jesusredeemedme2425
You sound like me lol
@jesusredeemedme2425
I know my coworkers are like that .. I have seen how people who retire just disappear...even if, before retirement, they were best buds, socializing outside work etc
I wish we could all appear and keep you company.
Me too :(
@jesusredeemedme2425
I was sound asleep, sorry.
All good!
Me too 😞 really got no friends irl.
How come?
I'm scared... 😞 And I don't feel like myself.
Wym?
That I hate myself too much to let others in and I'm afraid new friends will be like old friends and make fun of me behind my back and not actually want me around
Im sorry :(
@jesusredeemedme2425
Love you 💕