azurePondering with a Bear
@azurePond
The azure pond that once was bare, has now been overflowing around with care. A friend for me and a friend for you, when will Tiny attack us two. When in doubt don't be drought, all your notions will soon flow out!
Not feeling good. Been having a lot of meh days, and some bad ones. Today has been really bad so far and it's not done yet. I need a break from the Internet, probably even music too (tho we will see how long that lasts). Anyways letting you know that I might not be on for who knows how long, I know I don't.
So I'll be praying for you, when I remember and hope you are getting better. . .
See you
@7Bear7 Oh Bear..I wish I was there to listen to your worries...hopefully ..you feel better now🥹🫂 <3
@azurepond
Hey,
I just tried to write but it was to complaining and depressing to send sorry.
I really don't know what to say...
I miss you, but still take your time to heal safely.
Hey, how are you? How you been? You happy? (A quote it felt fitting)
Life has a toll, a weight like rain
Crashing down, sweeping and soaking
Rain like needles, cold and sharp
Each on digs in, leaving weight and scar
We each press on, inside lifes hurricane
All have different methods, to heal it pain
By blood soaked message, and window pane
I'll learn it's lessons, how to walk each day
@7Bear7 Hey Bear <3
I was also really happy to see all the posts in our penpal chats. I know it might sound selfish but it felt good to be missed.
@azurepond
Hey Pond,
It's been while, I suppose. It feels like forever. How are you? You been feeling any better? Getting the proper rest and exercise needed to heal? Are you out of the hospital yet? I hope so? It would be unbelievable boring to be in there that long.
I uhhh hmmm I don't know what to say or ask ya know? You're still in my prayers. Take care, okay?
Love ya, 🩵
@7Bear7 Oh Bear Hello.. thank you for all those message check ins.... your prayers helped a lot... I mean a looooot because it was a battle and I sure as apples and bananas know that I was not strong enough and still made it because of well... God.
@azurePond
I am glad. Sorry I wasn't *** focused as I probably could have been.
How are you?? Are you okay???? You scared me for a minute there.
Love and hugs 🩵
@7Bear7 Im ok..like physically ok.. waay past the danger zones.. I am back in my apart so all's good... mentally ..not so well... it kind of idk made me hate azure pond..thats why i didnt come back sooner..i had to wrap my head around certain things..if that makes sense.. like I cannot live my whole life as azure pond who writes poetry and makes bad jokes.. i need to land a job, i have responsibilities i cannot run from.. my dad's retiring this year and my brother is getting married next year.. it was ..well.. a mental breakdown.............
How are you Bear? we have a lot to catch up?
@azurePond back in my apartment or condo or this big building with people*
@azurePond
Lol those have interesting names, I am glad you back in it now
@azurePond
That's understandable, it makes sense. I sorry if you go back and read the messages I sent I have been all over the place so you might get whiplash from one to the next.
I get it , you had some thinking to do, aswell as healing and some other stuff. It's okay. I am a bit sleepy now so hopefully I don't say anything weird.
How am I? I honestly don't know kind all over the place still just very confused all the time I guess.
Most likely we have some stuff to catch up on.
@7Bear7 I guess we both are confused and all over the place.
But in my case, I realised that I am the prodigal son in the story so .aaaahhh I dont know I feel bad about it, I feel sad about it and I also feel angry about it like.. I didnt ask for any of this yk.. ( I know the lack of context makes it all the more confusing) I was freaking out and my flight or fight response kicked in and I chose flight ... I ran away.. I am ashamed about it but it was self preservation, I guess.. Anyway..
Good night Bear
@azurePond
Goodnight pond. Have a blessed one, I hope things can go much more smoothly for you.
We can catch up later, to a extent
@azurepond
Hey Pond sorry for not replying to anything yet, I started replying the other night and got halfway through but got distracted by a friend and fell asleep loosing everything I wrote T - T
I will get around to replying but I am very tired and just don't now what to say or ect
I hope you've been feeling better and better
Uhhhh I don't know I wanna talk to you but I just sigh idk I feel hypocritical or something idk and tired always tired despite barely doing anything (tho that could be my lack of sleep at fault)
How are you? You said Z(?) put up Christmas decorations? You like them? What kind did y'all put up? Can you just ramble about something, someone, anything? I just wanna be distant from my brain I guess?
Sorry I feel like I am being really rude to you somehow so seriously sorry I think
Love you pond bye bye for now
@7Bear7 Hey Bear,
A bear in a jumper, red and bright
Woke from his nap on Christmas night
He sniffed the air... oh, cinnamon cheer,
“Who brought mince pies into my frontier?”
He tiptoed past stockings, the tree all aglow,
Snow on his paws, moving soft and slow
No growls, no scares, just crumbs on his chin,
A Christmas bear caught mid-snack, mid-grin
@azurePond
This is very beautiful, I really love it!
Thank you Soo much Pond. 🩵
Merry Christmas, Bear😍🎄
@azurePond
MERRY CHRISTMASOOO!!!
ahemm. . .
Merry Christmas, Pond~
@azurepond
It's a bit late but, Happy New Year's! 🎉
Sorry it's been a bit Pond. How are you? What's been happening? Was Christmas good for you?
I will respond to your posts, at some point I just have been sick, busy, tired, and in a weird situation. So I have been a bit distracted.
I don't know what else to say, have a blessed year Pond. Love ya 🩵
@7Bear7 Christmas was terrible for me. I left home. Idk if i have told u before but when things get too much for me.. I just pack my stuff and leave. I am so sorry that I did not reach out or gave u a heads up. And I am sorry that I wasnt there for you. I am not the most stable friend to be around and I get it if u are mad.. yeah so I left home and visited a few places
@azurePond
I am not mad, you definitely had me worried tho. And sad at times. But never mad.
I am sorry sorry it wasn't a good time for you, I hope you are doing better. I didn't know you just packed and left at times but I thank you for being comfortable enough to share. I hope you are safe, And you were safe. While a heads up would have been nice I understand (I really do) not doing it for any number of reasons.
It's okay. . . Really. I am also sorry that I can't help you much and am regularly just coming to you with my issues and sometimes forget that you have very hard problems too (not sure those were the right words but them seemed okay) (I know everyone has problems (especially if they are one cups) but I still sometimes get caught up in my own life and forget everyone else also has 24 hours in a day.)
It's okay I am also definitely not a super stable friend, I have issues and stuff. . . Ummm yeah I don't know what else to say here so next topic
Did you visit anywhere neat or cool? Or just trying to get fresh air and you didn't care where you went?
@7Bear7 I’m relieved you weren’t mad... though it would have been totally fine if you were. Im really sorry for making you worry.
@azurepond
Hey Pond, are you okay? You kinda disappeared again. . . After the last few times it's got me worried, sorry maybe? Idk
How are you? It's been awhile and I really wanna catch up but I don't know where to start, what to ask, or what to say first. So much has happened, I have learned a thing or two about myself, gotten slightly better mentally, just got a job a few days ago, was on the cusp of a panic attack a few minutes ago. . . Ugh it seems I only come to talk to you when I am feeling down, bad, or panicky. . . Sorry probably not a good look or what a good friend should do.
And if that much (and more) has happened with me surely something is happening with you too? I just don't know what to ask so talk away. . . Also sorry again for not responding to the postes I said I would respond too. I still plan on responding, but well I am not sure that plan is realistic at this point, but I can hope I suppose.
Idk sorry for bothering you if I did. . .
Have a blessed night friend, love ya bye bye 🩵
@7Bear7 How are you Bear? Are u alright? I know its too late to ask but ... we can talk if u are ok with talking about it?
@azurePond
At this moment I am doing okay (I was trying to draw while listening to a friends stream), but in general I don't know how I am it's all over the place, some days I am doing close the the best I have in months and other days I hate myself and am close to relapsing on stuff. . . So yeah I really don't know how I am, I guess unstable would be a good word.
"Am I alright?" That's I even tougher question, my heart(emotional heart not physically) hurts a lot. I am learning a lot. . . But I don't know am I alright, probably not if I saw someone else like me I wouldn't called them alright, but I say I'm okay. . . Ya know. . . Idk
I thank you for everything Pond, really thank you.
I it's I have no idea where to even start on something like this. (I also don't know how much (if any) of it I can tell you, or if parts of it would make you uncomfortable or trigger you. . . I know a year ago I wouldn't mentally be able to have a conversation like that but now I am going through it (what then I was so far away from me I didn't even think it couldn't never happen to me it was just like breathing a unconscious fact it couldn't happen but here I am lost and confused so *** confused)
@7Bear7
Oh uh forgive my language I have gotten worse about that a friend swears a lot and while I am still mildly uncomfortable with swearing and stuff (especially in excess) . . . Well apparently when I am overwhelmed/emotional I can now which also never would have happened a year ago ughh
T - T
@7Bear7 I dont mind swearing. I do swear. I just dont swear in your presence because once you told me that it is not comfortable for u. so dont mind that.
@7Bear7 Also forgot to ask you, what kind of stream? Gaming?
@azurePond
Ohh so the stream and the friend(s)
So we'll start here (I read all your other messages (at least at the time of starting to type this) I will get to them and might reference your words from them sorry)
So last year probably mid to late summer when things were weird I somehow(I don't remember how) found and downloaded a app that lets you customize a 3D vtuber model with set items and stuff (like a character creator but for a vtuber) and stream in the app along with some other features. People can collabe up to 4 total and then any number of people can watch and chat.
Anyways I got it and it actually when I first got it was bad for me cuz the people and streams I could find were 70-80% not pleasant (at least to my shelter Christian self), ya know they had swearing, lewd talk, chaos vibes, rude, the whole shabang. A few people were kind or nice but for the most part it wasn't helping but I didn't get rid of it. . . Anyways after some breaks from it and other things I met a guy (tho I couldn't figure out if he was a guy or girl at the time) who was decently appropriate (tries to keep his stream 13+ and clean enough for that age and does a pretty good job at it) I liked him he was quirky and fun and I didn't really get much IRL socializing so I was a regular in his streams. He had a fish person/vibes occasionally does Minecraft building streams but mostly chats or draws. He also is how I met a very confusing person that is now very confusing tangled in my life.
(We'll call the OG streamer I was talking about B and the one I am confusingly tangled to A.)
Anyways I am now friends with them and was listening to B try and learn a new language cuz a person in the stream spoke it
Also people on that app very rarely get more than 100 joining their stream total and generally only three at most people are in chat at a time. . . I have regular been one of two people in chat with A or B.
It's confusing and hard to explain but that's what I was listening to while I drew
@7Bear7 Bear, I want you to know that its ok not to know... ok to be unstable, to be all over the place, to have days that feel like light and days that drown in shadow. You don’t have to name it, fix it or even understand it right now.
To be in the middle of something you once thought could never happen to you. To be here now, lost and confused, yet still reaching out in some way—through words, through drawing, through just showing up. That is not nothing. That’s a kind of showing up for yourself even when it doesnt feel like it.
@azurePond
Thanks Pond, it's nice to hear that (especially from you) some days really do feel like drowning in shadow while some others feel like napping in the sun light. Alas you have a such a wonderful way with words, such a unique and thoughtful writing style, very comforting.
You are welcome, I really trust you a lot (not with everything but more than most) it's nice to know people can see and appreciate trust these days still. . .
And it doesn't feel like courage, it doesn't feel cowardly either. It's just wrong, it feels like something somewhere in me knows, it understands fully but for some reason it's not me. (I don't know if that made any sense T - T)
Thanks Pond that's smart and I followed that advice. The app and the friends there and several other things that happened both before during and after they became my friends is the start of some of my most repeating issues/stresses/idk the proper word. Thank you for you're soft but very clear presence Pond, I know you're always listening(reading) but never force or pry. Sometimes we might need silence and other times talking(typing) is better. I couldn't put this any better so copy paste "And if something feels like it might trigger or overwhelm either of us, we can gently steer away." That seems like the perfect words and thing to follow here so yah.
Also yes Genghis Khan is a good topic to change to, especially if you visited Mongolia!
So true cuz it really doesn't feel like it. . . It really doesn't. Yet after you pointed it out my logical mind can see it it's true.
"I’m here. Not as someone with answers, but as someone who can sit with you *virtually ofc *."
That's more than I'd ever be brave enough to ask for Pond. (Seriously tho I am not brave enough to ask people to just listen to me or talk, or just be with me, I am not a very emotional or socially brave person. I can actually (and embarrassingly) be extremely shy at times or just self sabotaging at others and between the two my bravery when dealing with other people is extremely low)
"Always here-" I'ma be extremely mean and tease you here and if it's too much feel free to punch me (or obviously be mean back, just give a heads up for the being mean, but you can punch me whenever) always here mmm looks at Mongolia and India suspiciously. . . Musta been the cool breeze
Also I will get around to continuing to talk with you but I am very sleepy so am going to sleep now(hopefully) and yes
In darkness still, I walk-
Bear
Hello this is Bear. I am physically okay currently, but some things have happened IRL that has my mental state teetering above an abyss. It's not getting better at the moment. Currently I can not find it in myself to talk to people on the Internet politely or without lashing out violently. I will be taking a break from all internet sources and interactions I can (except for music). I apologize for the abruptness of this message and I don't know when I will have the mental strength or state to return.
(A copy paste message to my few friends)
@azurepond
@azurepond
Hey I am back (have sorta been back for a bit)
I IDK I feel weird, like I am not who I was, not who I am supposed to be, and not who I want to be. Like when I was walking I ceased to be and something else filled up my foot prints, as God watched his humble creation slowly fade to ash not becoming what he wanted, not being who the child wanted, not being what he even wants now. As if every iteration of myself would look at me and scoff with regret, sorrow, and pity.
Ugh I went on a philosophical rant when all I was trying to do is say I am different pond, and probably not in the good ways. I do hope you'll still be my friend. You've been a very good one, maybe even the best I've had.
I do also hope you are doing ok, your mild silence is making me a bit nervous for you again, tho don't stress on my behalf.
Tho different I walk, sorrowed,
Shaking, not sure who's path I am on 🩵
@azurepond
Hey Pond,
Checking in on you, how are you? How are things going? Are you okay? You worry me sometimes. But still don't stress ya know
Uhhh life it's a pain
beautiful at times
Fractured wrath at others
Such a mixed up and confusing place, I wonder why.
My friend, Pond, puddles, stay safe please,
drink water, eat when you can and are up to it, exercise, see the world and you friends, be happy if you can it's worth it
Know you're loved
Bear 🩵
Reading the end of that it seems like I am saying goodbye or something to be clear I am not like I am still here for the most part and somewhat sane at times
Also
Also reading that ending sound like I am saying goodbye or something, I am not I am here still for the most part and somewhat sane sometimes at least
@7Bear7 Theres a war in the middle East.. I was in Dubai with my friends and had return to my place..aah.. also had to deal with my dad and aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh it's a mess here. I am back at my grandparent's. Also if my english sounds off it is because I have been switching between multiple languages the past week and my english part of the brain is getting rusty.
PS : Apologies Bear, I havent read any of the messages. I hope you are in a better place now. Is the online friends you mentioned the reason behind your sudden confusions? If it is.. I think it is very brave of you to explore friendships beyond your usual circle and sometimes it means coming into terms with people who see life in a different light. And in times like these, you can either shine your light brightly or give the other's light space to shine brightly... all you have to remember is that their light wont dim yours and in the rare occasions, it may even help you see your light in a different light. I hope that helps... (it sounded better in my head... also it was metaphorical.. ofc you know that)
Take care <3
@azurePond
Yeah war, I hope it ends quickly with as little bloodshed as possible... Are you okay? You got back home safe? You and your friends are not like hurt or anything? Was Dubai nice (I don't know how long you were there but still did you have any fun while you were there?
Yeah dealing with family can definitely be a mess at times especially stressful ones, I hope it went/will go smoothly for you.
"I am back at my grandparent's." - that's good, I think? Don't worry about the English, you still write and make more sense then a lot of people who only know English. I honestly I can only tell a difference in you're writing because you sound stressed, so I hope you can relax some hopefully.
Don't worry I understand, seriously don't rush especially cuz I haven't been getting on cups as regularly so I was very delayed in responding to this.
I am sorta in a better place, I am not freaking out over stuff as much. tho I am still thinking on things in the background very confused on something specific that is sorta effecting everything.
"Is the online friends you mentioned the reason behind your sudden confusions?" - Partially, I probably would have gotten to this point of confusion and questioning without them, but they sorta expedited the process.
"If it is.. I think it is very brave of you to explore friendships beyond your usual circle and sometimes it means coming into terms with people who see life in a different light." - Yeah they definitely see it differently then I did, not sure how I see the world anymore, I guess that's sorta what I am questioning/confused about is what I believe about this world and stuff.
"And in times like these, you can either shine your light brightly or give the other's light space to shine brightly... all you have to remember is that their light wont dim yours and in the rare occasions, it may even help you see your light in a different light." - how do you sound so wise yet so silly at the same time? Truly a talent Pond, a very wonderful one
"I hope that helps... (it sounded better in my head... also it was metaphorical.. ofc you know that)" - it helps, some at least so, thank you. (Yes metaphors almost always sound better in our heads then out loud, or at least that's my experience most of the time... lol)
You take care too Pond, be safe and stay hydrated 🩵
