azurePondering with a Bear

@azurepond

Hey Pond it's been long, so long or it feels that way to me. I really do miss our chats both the deep and light hearted ones. Tho that isn't me trying to pressure you to come back take your time however much and any amount you need,

I'll be here.

As a bear I am h@rd to waver and move, so don't worry no long is to long for you my friend.

Are you okay? I should have asked that first, seriously are you okay? Last I am hearing you were in the middle of a w @ r, having he@lth issues and f@mily issues and yea just a lot. 

How are you? Anything to share? Good b@d mild anything at all?

I really do have to apologize for taking so long to type I've been weird in the emotions as usual. . . No excuse tho I just didn't. Sorry 

You are a wonderful human being Puddles, you are loved by many so please remember that, and you always have a place here on cups with us

Sent with much l0ve, Bear 🩵

@AzurePond

Hey Pond, I went to a concert on April 18th have you ever been to one? It was my second concert ever and it was so much fun. It was such a breath of nice air. It was from/for Good Kid it's a band obviously I guess anyways they are great I love them so much! They're an inde rock band from Canada love their music so much I actually was in the top 0.01% of listeners on YouTube in April (it was out of 6.5 mil so I was in the top 650)

Uhhh I really really miss you Pond, it hurts in a way but also kinda bittersweet to idk fluff this will be awkward if you come back which I really hope you do. But I just can't hold it in I wanna tell you so much so I'ma probably dump a lot on you rapid style at least rapid for me lol

Uhhhh sorta liked a person they definitely liked me (it was over the Internet) ruined it cuz life made me panic, but it almost made it back together as just friendship but then they blocked me and had everyone in that friend group block me too so like seven people flufffffr that was annoying and hurt so so much cuz I don't even know why they blocked me or suddenly yea let's end that tangent there cuz I could go on still love em and want the best for them but I want nothing to do with em now 

Uhhh found out I am some sorta weird freaking mix of pan and ace (like pansexual and asexual) so that freaked the freaking chickens out of me. Like I sorta half saw it coming but was trying so hard to deny it but then ya fall for a non-binary guy who you thought was a girl and who generally leans to the feminine side and pronouns but didn't mind the male ones ????? Freak they sound like me but oh no it's also the guy? gal? Idk the whatever they are who blocked me yay! So much fun anyways that made me 100% realize that yes I ain't straight and I can like anything cuz apparently I like personality and also got some physical preferences (some that are contradictory T - T) but still it's mainly a slow things cuz I've only had like 3-5 crushes/not quite relationship type things and all of them took a long time of getting to know the person on a deeper level before I liked them in any mild level of romantic 

Also feel like I might be sharing way to much, 

So sorry?

But you basically haven't been around since Christmas sooooooo my expectations of you coming back are both weirdly low and high cuz you've always come back before so maybe I won't even post this idk

Uhhh I talked to my pastor about how I feel I am slipping away in my faith that was about a month ago he helped some but I just couldn't tell him everything and that kinda made it hard for him to give advice but like how do you tell you hardcore Christian pastor that you fell in love with a guy sorta like da fluffyness what. But yeah my faith isn't what I want it to be and that hurts cuz IDK what I truly trust it believe and I am confused on that but no one can fix it for me I gotta do it somehow but I ain't that strong ya know. 

Started watching Loki with my family that's a really good show. I haven't been able to write much recently or even do any kind of art for the most part (I have managed some mild doodles and one not quite poem) and I really really wanna write but it just doesn't flow it alike the ink dried and I don't have the flame in my heart to warm it up and liquefy it anymore. Frick that kinda sounded like poetry lol

Uhhhh met another online dude he introduced me to a band called ghost (another rock band, apparently I really like rock and house music but of course I like just about every genre soooooooo lol) ghost is pretty good to tho I haven't listened a ton

Uhhh pond I really miss you in case you can't tell, you truly were my closest friend ever, which sucks cuz why does my bestest friend have to be somewhere where I can't help them when their hurt or celebrate with them when they're happy or or or just anything know your even still alive? But on the other hand I probably would have been much more guarded and not gotten as close if we met IRL lol such a travesty 

Uhhh been clean from sh for like 2-3 months so that's nice, tho there are days where it's hard to stay that way I suppose I'll stop here don't wanna trigger anything sorry if I did

Uhhhhh Pond, I know sometimes it might feel like I put you on a pedestal, and I'll admit to a minor extent I do but I sorta do that with everyone I like (in a non romantic way, like people I like friends, family, YouTubers, streamers, ya know the people you like ) but I know you're not perfect, I know you have struggles and you mess up and maybe you do things on purpose and not accident, but your you your Pond and I love you no matter what okay, and I'll have your back any way I can. I understand if you need this break from cups for mental reasons, or your forced to take it due to medical or family reasons, but know if you ever come back I'm here for you, rooting for you, and love you 

Stay safe pond please, 

Your confused and ponderinf framind Bear

@azurepond

It's official I am now an uncle. It just happened it's crazy, I should feel more but for now I am content with just this. Idk if I should be telling you lol, shouldn't I be more in the moment? Idk I am sleepy lol. 

"My knock is a question mark.

My smile, a small apology

already forming.

I have learned the language

of temporary things:

the careful perch at the edge of a chair,

the sip of coffee that cools too quickly,

the conversation that stays

in the safe, shallow lanes.

I am a sentence that trails off…

…because the period

felt too final,

and the semicolon

felt like a pebble

settling below a swift current.

I arrive as a whisper,

“Sorry to intrude,”

and depart as a draft,

“Sorry I couldn’t stay.”

A guest in every story,

turning my own role down,

until all that’s left

is the faint, polite echo

of a door clicking shut

behind me."

You don't have to question, barge in whenever you want.

No apologies here, you are always welcome never be sorry for your presence. 

Forget that language you are permanent in the hearts of those who love and know you.

Relax deep into the chair. and forget coffee tea is better (lol)

Let's find a bit of excitement and danger, wee won't get far and slow and shallow places.

And yet it's exactly those sentences that leave the most lasting impression 

You don't have to whisper, you can talk relaxed in your own voice.

You are not a draft, you are a warm breeze that fills a room with love and thought, never apologize for leaving because your warm is remembered and lasting.

Pond you are more than a guest in my story, you are and shall forever be my greatest friend, perhaps even my only true friend. 

And when you walk away the door clicked shut behind, you'll never hear the lock click, or the see the lights go out. You are always always welcome here. . . Don't forget please you are you be yourself find yourself make yourself who you need to be no matter who or when that is, it is worth making it to that point. . .

Pond it feels more and more like that poem was your way of saying goodbye. . .

And that hurts ya know, but I love you Pond, my friend if that's your goodbye know you ARE loved and always always welcome back.

I'll keep writing to you. . . Waiting for my friend to return. . . 

Bear 

@azurepond

Hey Pond its me again, lol who else would be typing in here

It's been a bit and I've been wanting to write for awhile now but either didn't know what to say or felt to tired or something, but here I am "this is me I come into this world so wild and free" ahem song/movie quote 

I learned about a a really cool guy recently MMarquis de Lafayette he was a French general who joined the American revolution and was a friend of George Washington. And he helped so much and was so beloved by Americans that when we joined ww1 ans made it to the french lines/France we had a speech/war cry of "Lafayette we are here!" Anyways I thought he was cool and thought you might to.

My dad is home now (has been for over a week) and is doing better! Very happy about that. 

I went on a trip with my sister to visit my aunty F, my cousin Z, and her friends. It was so much fun but very tiring. It was like a 6 ish hour drive there T - T but we and some of her friends went to carlsbad caverns (I'll post some photos of that at thr bottom or in another post soon) and then a couple days later did a two day anime/art/card convention (I spent way too much money on that trip but it was worth it lol)

Ugh don't know if I already mentioned it but i am starting trade school in September for welding. So hopefully that goes well (it's also expensive) and I am trying to get a different job.

I'm getting to tired to keep typing and mu arm hurts in this position so ima call it here and chat with/to you some other time

Untill then 

Have a blessed one Pond, you are loved, remembered, thought of, and missed

Bear 🩵

Idk really missing you again tonight found an old message of yours in my notes app (might have been to respond to without having to deal with tabs, or might have just saved it for the wisdom idk lol) but it made me cry (probably again) its kinda depressing how many times I face the same doubts ans issues but your wisdom and kindness shone through once again lol. 

You dear puddles are even better than the lady of tbr lake. She just hands our swords, you gave me motivation. Lol I need to stop praising you or it will go to your head (or you won't except/belive it)

Trying to still stay honest with you even if your  gone which i really hope you come back please. But yea I haven't reread them but I am embarrassed by some of those previous messages (tho to be fair I was really emotional with having my dad in the hospital for 25 days and not getting enough sleep. . .) Tho that doesn't mean they weren't honest/real/meant i think sorta lol sleepy agin probably not a good idea for revising 

I wanna say "if you ever needed something, even if it broke cups rules go ahead and ask, (I've always been bad at following rules)" but I am quite sure you would bonk me over the head for that and say its a sweet thought but your a goofball/idiot or something like that (and yes that was just a way for me to say that without saying that so that it was said but I didn't say it. . . If that makes sense lol T - T bruh I am so unbrave I gotta say something like that like that is crazy definitely another thing to work on. Tho whether I need to work on bravery, or rule following, I am not sure lol probably grammar T - T

Also my birthday is in less than a week its crazy I know it feels like it shouldn't be here yet T - T but its basically here and I'm about to turn 20 idk how to feel

But I got work tomorrow and need to stop here or I'll never stop

So goodnight Pond you are lived and remembered

   Bear🩵

@azurePond

Hey Pond, today was my birthday, it was good. A little weird but good. I turned 20. . . Crazy right 

I played some computer games in the morning and then the Wii with my dad. After those we ate and played Risk Europe (it's a board game). Then we got food and watched a movie at home.

We watched Howl's moving Castle. It was really good, I thoroughly enjoyed it!! Seriously you, my cousin, and an acquaintance/friend are all amazing and wonderful for recommending it to me! Thank you. Howl's and Calcifer's dynamic was ao amazing/cute/funny!

Tho my dad didn't understand the movie T - T love him to death but he isn't great with hidden meanings and stuff like that. Same with poetry he likes it and thinks its cool/pretty to arrange words but generally struggles to find meaning in it. And he freely admits it so good for him, I just feel kinda sad he can't see that beauty the same way, but then again there are things I can't see the way he can. So I guess God gives us all a different sight otherwise we all be thr same person, ya know. . . 

Anyways it was a good day Pond 

Love you puddles, please be safe wherever you are, and remember me once in awhile too 🩵

IIdk what to say, I just wish we could talk about nothing super important again, feel free from life's weight be friends. I just want a friend but j am scared of friendship