I need to gain trust of my partner which I have broken from the very beginning of our relationship.
I have done horrible things in the past, I told him things about my past relationships which made me look innocent whereas I wasn't and even if I were I shouldn't have lied because he loved me and would have understood. He then eventually got to the truths. I have been physical with a stranger and have met him thrice. I lied to him about that as well. And I broke his trust thrice. He is still willing to give me one chance because he is truly in love with me. How do I gain his trust back?
And who am I? I lied for the first time and I was going to lose him, I sweared I won't lie lie again but I did it again. I was scared. I am a coward. My best friend said I'm very weak and she hates my mentality maybe because I had sex with a stranger, but I did it because I was frustrated from life and I wanted to destroy myself and ruin everything for myself. Also when I was 16 a teacher approached me and got into relationship and I thought it was love but then when we broke up I knew he just used my body and it was his fault, but wasn't it mine too? I let him in, I let him do everything. I have always been trying to be a victim. I don't know who I really am.
But for now I need to be loyal, truthful and give every fucking thing that I can to my partner. Because he didn't deserve a slut like me. He deserves love.
Please tell me how to gain it back and how do I know who am I? How do I understand myself and him?
@enthusiasticZebra5450 Are you recieving professional treatment? I think that's a major first step. Therapy can help you rediscover yourself, learn healthy communication and boundaries, and heal relationships. It sounds like you need to reach out and have someone assist you with your struggles.
Please remember that you are human, and every person makes mistakes. There are some things that I regret terribly that have destroyed relationships or severely impacted existing ones, but I'm learning to forgive myself so I can be at peace with myself. It doesn't erase or justify what I did, I just have to learn to live with my misdoings and try to do better the next time I find myself in a similar situation. I think you're being really hard on yourself for what you did and that if you talked through it with your partner in a healthy way that you both could reach some sort of understanding.
@enthusiasticZebra5450
I tend to want things resolved, I like to know where I stand right away. When I messed up in the same sort of ways the hardest thing that I had to do was wait. Give time a chance and just try your best. If you do your best and the other person knows you are, it can go a long way.