Saying goodbye is so hard
Diagnosed borderline in 2018, I just happen to see it in my medical records cause they didn’t tell me. I was furious! I was thinking ‘I’m not a criminal.’ I’m not violent. But then I started reading about it and there wasn’t much information in2019 compared to the enormous amount just 2 years later. It seems to have gotten notorious fast. Some people even seem to wear it like Paris Hilton wore her chihuahua. The new FAD… no doubt I am a pwbpd. So much finally made sense. I was shocked to realize not everyone could change their personality to fit different situations. Finally to understand Why my emotions were so intense. Some family thought I was just dramatic . Moody. I’ve received worry stones as gifts since age 8. But it was a terrible way to feel. The sorrow was so deep. The worry constant. But then good sure felt great. I held onto good moments as long as possible because there were far more sad ones. And I was an empath, not a victim soul, as I was called as a child. It was noticeable that I would feel what those around me felt. Still it was that one symptom that didn’t fit me but was definitely THE trademark of pwbpd. It was terrorizing others w our rage. I had the rage, I just turned it on myself if it could even find a way out from where I hid it. I didn’t allow it to be a trait I kept in my core self. Luckily I’ve felt it only a few times in years now. But each time it was barely survivable. That must be a problem for other pw bpd. but are we at fault? If we feel things 10.30,50 times more intense than pwithout bpd, no wonder complicated grief is as debilitating as it is… it was All I could do to not think about my brothers or friends. My home or business. My dogs. Ever… But if pwbpd are so cold and can easily erase loved ones from our lives, why does it hurt so much or is it that it’s so painful, we can’t allow ourselves to feel that amount of pain. That is interpreted as out of site, out of mind. But really, it’s eating us from the inside out! We just hide it well. I am curious how many other people can relate to how I’ve experienced bpd. Maybe help me make sense out of why it feels this bad.
@kindTurtle3738
Hey! This is definitely relatable. Thanks for sharing.
It’s nice to not feel so odd but also I’m sad that you have these feelings.
@kindTurtle3738
That was very much how ive felt but i dont have that diagnosis; i have ptsd, depression, and currently to tired (almost paralyzed). to many thoughts and ive lost my drive. You are a gifted writter, i couldnt have said all that lol
Blessings, Day
I finally can put it in words when all of my life I felt like the keeper of secrets . All the rehearsed stories to tell the officers or teachers. We weren’t kept close out of love but out of fear of exposure . Yet we had to move because, tho we kept quiet, the perpetrator had little control. It was us that our friends were no longer allowed to be around. We were just victims too. I had an aunt, tho mostly cruel, taught me to write at age 7-8. I even wrote in code to hide the truth. So for the last year , and decades after I stopped writing, I can finally write without codes. I notice I understand more about myself each time I put it on paper. I never anticipated how it could connect me to others with similar thoughts and feelings!!
@kindTurtle3738
I can especially relate to what you've said about that intensity connecting to a sort of coldness. Like, "If anytime I have feelings, it's going to be really painful, then I'd rather just not have feelings. And I'd rather not think about things that might involve feelings." It might sound or look contradictory, but it's like the coldness is trying to hold in, contain, or block some of that intensity/sensitivity.
@QuietMagic
what are better options? There sometimes aren't any
@kindTurtle3738
Yeah, it's a fair strategy. You do what you have to do. 
