Thoughts of someone with BPD
[Trigger Warning: Mention of Self-Harm]
In the eyes of many, I just seem so normal, going to school everyday and living my life. But behind their back, random scars just keep appearing.
Everybody seemed so pre-occupied with their own lives, with their own friends, well, excluding me- they didnt care about me. They just had someone better. I relied heavily on my best friend for care and concern, but he just seemed to have so much more fun with others. What am I going to do? Why… why did he abandon me? After all that I had done for him, hes just going to leave me hanging, going away with his new friends? That was really my worst nightmare, and it happened.
I see him in school everyday, laughing and playing about with his other friends, yet he seems so cold to me. When he occasionally cracks a joke with me, my spirit just flies to the sky- its just pure happiness. I love him so much, how have I gotten such a wonderful irreplaceable best friend like him? I must be the luckiest guy on Earth to have him! But just as I turn around and see him enjoying himself with other people, my heart broke, it shattered into a million pieces- Im not a fun guy, he clearly likes to spend time with others better. Im always an option, never a priority, or more strictly put, I wasnt even his option. Im just a nobody. I feel overwhelmed, never have I been so sad before in my lifetime. Why did he abandon me…? Why? I cant stand it anymore, it hurts more and more, every time I hear his laughter and enjoyment with other people. I just cant take it and Im just going to explode of sadness and fear. I grabbed the object nearest to me, and that time, it happened to be a marker. No, no, I shouldnt do this. But my feelings are taking over, I want to relieve myself. I want to transfer my emotional pain to my physical pain, so that I dont feel so horrible on the inside. It was a major conflict- I know I shouldnt do it, but I just HAVE to do it. I took up the marker, and brutally hit my wrist with it once. No, twice. Actually, more than I can remember. He was at the back chatting and laughing away- he didnt care, never did. When the teachers are collecting the markers back, my wrist was completely swollen, at least twice the circumference of my usual wrist. I was still devastated.
From then on, I felt really abandoned. Why of all people does he have to be my best friend? I am stuck with him. I really want to leave him, and no, Im not going to contact him again, just going to ignore him. Hes not going to realise anyway. I valued him a lot, then devalued him after. How I valued him swings between the 2 extremes. My mood swings, here and there. At one instance, I swear that he is irreplaceable and I stuck with him all day, and the next moment, I swear that he is the worst person ever alive. His little actions everyday, made me feel like screaming at him. I want him to continue to be my best friend. I dont want him to abandon me. I want care and concern from him, but it just seems so difficult. He cares about everyone else more than he ever cares for me.
My swinging value and mood lasted for a few months, and in those periods, I have no idea how many times I have broken down, how many scars I have left on my wrist and my arms. Thankfully, I was able to recover, and these stopped. I have never felt so free in my life, not under the strong control of being afraid of being abandoned by others. It was one of the toughest periods of my life, when everybody seemed to abandon me, not just my best friend.
Through this, I hope to let more people to be aware of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and how a person suffering from it feels. It isnt easy, and I hope listeners will be able to know more about this to better help those with BPD (Especially those taking self-harm chats), as well as members, who may be potentially suffering from it. You are not alone, there are always people around who care for you, even though it seems like youre no longer wanted. On top of sharing about BPD, I also aim to help listeners understand more about the emotional conflict/turmoil as they are about to self-harm.
It was originally intended to be a Self-Harm post, but oops, I accidentally turned it into a BPD post as I got carried away. XD
Great thanks to @221Skye for checking my grammar! 
[Heres a tag to my friends and mentors for feedback: @Ace13 @Anggi @221Skye @NewRomantic677 @BrilliantShoe @RocketsMom @cristiana33 @Claire91 [Feel free to tag anyone you think will benefit from this post!]
@YayyySphere
Thank you so much for sharing. You are brave, you are wonderful, you are an absolutely fantastic human being. I want you to know how much I admire you. It's not easy, I have shared through blogs and I'm thinking of sharing my story here too. You're inspiring me.
All my love,
Lee.
I love this and it made me feel less alone.
I related to this a lot. I have felt like this many times. It's not easy at all. I didn't feel worthy, I felt undervalued. People swing from good to evil. It's painful. Sometimes it easier to have "good" or "bad" people than interpret an individual action. If a behaviour is personal flaw/mistake or manipulation becomes difficult to tell. Intent becomes difficult. Really painful stuff. I started to split everything and alienate everyone. Moving from most people bullying me to not letting anyone in or being mad for any error. My mother was really abusive. I splitting made it easier to survive everything. "Good mummy" or "bad mummy" To know how to react to her moods. Im taking it 1 day at time. Thanks for your story. I felt seen and less alone. 🙏
I was diagnosed with BPD a few days ago and it was quite a bit of a shock, but after reading everyone's comments I really don't think I'm alone after all <3
@sirenAngel you are definitely not alone, especially not here in our subcommunity 
@YayyySphere
It's fucked up because this feels like you've taken my exact thoughts and wrote it out. I thought I just had anxiety/depression/maybe bipolar ii because my mom is bipolar i but i've never been manic. And this just answers all my questions so I can say thank you for that. I've never self harmed but I have felt everything else and lately it's getting really bad so I joined here and I'm going to try and get professional help as well. My question is does it stop? With medication or therapy, are you guys happy?
@YayyySphere
This story is so familiar to me, it's scary. It helps to know that I am not alone in my struggle, and that other people feel the same way that I do. Thank you for this.
That stuff is so hard to get through, and constantly feeling cut off from everyone is so miserable. To have someone be the highlight of your day is such a euphoric feeling. You want to get out of bed to see them. You're so excited to see their face again that you start counting down the minutes until your next class with them. And when you talk to them, you feel like you're on top of the world, with you and them being the only ones there. You feel like they give you all of their attention, and for that moment, nothing else matters.
Other days, when they go quiet for a little bit, there's an awful feeling gnawing at you. They're avoiding me. They hate me. They don't care about me. They don't need me, and they don't want me. While thinking of all this, you try to convince yourself that they are just busy with schoolwork, or didn't see your message and such, but those excuses offer no comfort when you see them enjoying themself with other people. It's even more crushing to see that when they talk to other people, their eyes light up with joy. Forget having people beg to get their attention, they give it to those people before they even ask. You want to feel happy for them, but you can't, it's just too painful to watch. When they talk to you, they are dull-eyed, and they give the shortest responses possible in order to drop the conversation. You begin to wonder if any of the things that they said before held true, like how they said they would always be there for you and such. Somehow, after all of this pain, the second you get their full attention, you relive that euphoric experience. All it took was them starting a conversation. But the moment that ghosting thing happens again, the pain comes back. It's a constant cycle, and somehow, yunjust let yourself continue to go through it. Just like how you mentioned, you switch between loving and hating them. It's painful to go through, and by the looks of things, you had the same exact experience. The emotional pain is so extreme that it leaves a painful heavy weight on your chest, and you can barely breathe.
I really, really appreciate you posting this. I'm not the only one. That means so, so much. This really helped me out. Thank you.
@xXEccedentesiastXx It sounds like your experiences have been so painful. Thank you for having the courage to share your story.
@YayyySphere
THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE. i wrote my bestfriend/gf a whole not on how much i hate her but then i am incomplete without her and she’s the most wonderful person in the world. i’m so confused how these two can exist at once. i really think i have bpd. i’m scared to mention it to my therapist cause i don’t want her to think i’m self diagnosing. any tips?
