BPD and relationships

@Cheyenne45450

Interesting question, looking forward to seeing the responses. 😊

I don't have any diagnosed personality disorders, but did date someone with BPD for about a year (~15 years ago) and probably would have met most of the diagnostic criteria for BPD myself at that point (maybe not at the start of the relationship but perhaps by the end of it). Just my own experiences, might not generalize:

• Relationship had unusually strong empathy, mutual understanding, deep/intense feeling of emotional/intellectual engagement, similar values around mental health issues based on shared experiences. It felt really alive. 😊

• Significantly worsened my mental health during the relationship and for several years afterwards.

• Being on the receiving end of certain behaviors that I engaged in and realizing firsthand how awful it felt... led to major transformations in my worldview/values, forced me to recognize the importance of boundaries, forced me to recognize ways in which I was harming others, etc.

• It was kind of radicalizing to see that two people who were both kind, sensitive, compassionate, ethically conscious, etc. could completely destroy each other's well-being." That and watching myself transform into every quality that I disliked and lose every positive quality that I valued in myself.

• Basically created an enormous crisis, the resolution of which had huge benefits for my long-term mental health and future friendships/relationships.

Hi @Cheyenne45450

So I'm diagnosed BPD but also undiagnosed autistic and I think that a lot of symptoms that I thought were BPD might actually be autistic symptoms. 

I did date someone with Histrionic PD and it was often tense and distressing and I felt rejected a lot of the time which lead to an unhealthy relationship that ended badly. 

But I do have a good friend also with BPD and we understand each other like no one else can. 

I am now dating someone who has been so good for me that I haven't engaged in self injury for over 3 months, which is remarkable for me. They are really thoughtful and understanding and it feels easy and safe to be myself with them. We communicate calmly and we've built up that trust that neither of us are trying to hurt each other so when there is a blip, we can work through it without it feeling like the end of the world. A key part of that is the simple phrase of 'be curious, not judgmental' and listening to understand rather than always trying to be right. 

I was with a bf in high school. I have BPD. And he made life better for once. We rarely fought. There was a few where I may have took off running. But not like today's relationships after years of trauma. It was refreshing. The way he approached me and talked to me was so gentle and uplifting. I've never been in another relationship like that, that gentle and understanding. I was in one where he was schizophrenic and I was BPD and he continuously was physically abusive like I've never experienced. We used drugs but he put me through some severe trauma. Emotional and physical. I had seizures for 4 years. Now I'm struggling to have a normal relationship with my husband when he triggers me I freak out and push him away and he doesn't understand what I been through. It's so hard. I feel misunderstood and labeled crazy and I feel like I make everyone I love lives worse. It's a horrible feeling.

@Cheyenne45450

Now, I did not date someone with BPD, however from personal experience of living with a family member that does have BPD. 

1. She was always aware of the emotions that I had hidden, but sometimes struggled with fully conveying her responses to them. 

2. When she was angry, sometimes there was harmful words said towards me and it would mess with my mental health. 

3. There was always extreme highs, and lows. So sometimes it did feel like walking on eggshells. 

However this is just from personal experience, and what I saw from the outside looking in with this family member. Everyone with BPD whether dating, family, friend, coworker or romantic connection will always have a different feeling to it. <3