Psychology Today: "I’m Sorry That You Feel That Way:" The Subtleties of Gaslighting
Chances are, we have all heard the phrase (or perhaps used it) “I’m sorry you feel that way” said in the context of an apology–or at least a twisted version of one. Unfortunately, “the “I’m sorry you feel that way” approach, along with avoiding an argument in lieu of admitting fault, is good old fashioned gaslighting.”
“Gaslighting, an informal term that originates from several literary and entertainment sources—including, Gaslight, the 1940 British psychological thriller based on the 1938 Hamilton play Gas Light, and the 1944 film Gaslight—is a form of psychological abuse through means of verbal, written, and/or physical actions that causes the recipient to question their experiences and reality.”
“In decolonizing research, gaslighting falls under the manipulations of a colonized ideology, where maintaining control and dehumanizing others ranks above being accountable, equitable, and contributing to psychological wholeness and well-being.
“Non-apologies do more harm than any good. The premise behind them is to deflect, pretend to apologize, and ultimately win the disagreement merely by placing blame back on the individual or group making the initial concern. This thinking and behavior not only dismisses the concern, but it attempts to invalidate it and terminate any further discussion.”
In my own personal life, I can think of at least a couple instances in which I used this type of non-apology. I do believe the first time was naivete, but on both occasions I know it was said when I was feeling overly defensive. Also, I learned from growing up in a family that basically practiced denial of feelings (both for the self and others) that it really is much better to be vulnerable and open to apologizing. As well just the simple matter of owning up to our own behavior.
Read the full article here.
#Apologies #Gaslighting #Communication
@sereneSunset26 Such an important, valuable reading material. Thanks for sharing this.
@Jenim15
No problem!
If you don't mind me asking, have you run into this type of situation with other people before in your life?
@sereneSunset26 unfortunately yes. Made me feel very frustrated and angry. Unfortunately also created some distance between me and said person which was sad because we used to be close at one point. But now I think it was for the better.
@Jenim15
unfortunately yes. Made me feel very frustrated and angry. Unfortunately also created some distance between me and said person which was sad because we used to be close at one point. But now I think it was for the better.
I'm sorry you went through that and I can totally understand your emotions given the situation. I had the exact same thing happen between me and a friend and it created distance as well. I've learned that sometimes these types of boundaries are necessary--even for people we used to be close with.
@sereneSunset26 Thank you. I already had anxiety and depression at that time, so this kind of behavior only tended to aggravate the condition. and 100% boundaries are the best thing.! 🙌🙌🙌
@Jenim15
I'm so glad you were able to set those boundaries!! After you set them, did your anxiety/depression improve?
@sereneSunset26 I really like that someone wrote this article and brought more attention to it. I think saying things like "I'm sorry you feel that way" does more damage than good and I think it's better to just not apologize because it's almost like you are mocking them if you say something like this. Thank you for sharing!
@fruityPond7887
Yep!!
I believe there's a real fear of vulnerability as well as (for some people) an internal miscommunication between "what I did was bad" and "I am bad." From the people I have talked to in my life who have admitted to me that they're too proud to apologize, they've pretty much told me that their behavior stems from this.
@sereneSunset26 Right! While this behavior isn't good in regards to relationships, I'm sure it's not an easy habit to break out of once someone is in it.
@sereneSunset26 this is a great post and so important
@zealousGrace5023
Thank you for your feedback and reinforcement--and I agree. Like I said before, I believe apologizing correctly is one of the keys towards taking responsibility for our actions/words as well as refining ourselves.
@sereneSunset26 you're welcome! And absolutely, it's important for your own emotional growth but also for the sake of the people around you and not just loved ones. As an emotionally responsible and morally respectable member of society it should be for the sake of everyone in your general environment since gaslighting effects more than just the targeted(unintentionally or intentionally) individual. It disrupts the emotional atmosphere for everyone in the immediate circle and breeds mistrust and conflict. People take sides, often times against the victim, since gaslighting also involves lying to everyone else besides the victim. Most times the person doing the gaslighting believes their lie so it's not always malicious but it is certainly harmful.
@zealousGrace5023
It disrupts the emotional atmosphere for everyone in the immediate circle and breeds mistrust and conflict. People take sides, often times against the victim, since gaslighting also involves lying to everyone else besides the victim. Most times the person doing the gaslighting believes their lie so it's not always malicious but it is certainly harmful.
All of this is (unfortunately) spot-on to my past personal experience. In my recovery, I learned exactly why I was (and felt) triangulated. And like you said, people who lie to that degree to distort one's reality, often end up believing in their own distortions--regardless of intent. And the result is most certainly harm as well as chaos.
@sereneSunset26 yeah exactly
but hey you know your patterns and do better now
@zealousGrace5023
For sure, cultivating self-awareness has really gone a long way for me.
@sereneSunset26
Wow this was a great read, I never really thought about this and I was always so confused and dissatisfied when someone would 'apologize' by saying "I'm sorry you feel this way". Now I understand that its a form of gaslighting and even a rather subtle way to putting in your face that your opinions and thoughts don't matter to the other person. Thanks for this!
@sunnyWriting4806
Wow this was a great read, I never really thought about this and I was always so confused and dissatisfied when someone would 'apologize' by saying "I'm sorry you feel this way". Now I understand that its a form of gaslighting and even a rather subtle way to putting in your face that your opinions and thoughts don't matter to the other person. Thanks for this!
You're very welcome; I am so glad that you were able to get the clarity and understanding that comes from this type of behavior. Because whether or not it is done with intention, like you said, it leads to (at least) confusion and dissatisfaction.
Gaslighting is dangerous and insidious, especially to the receiver. It's so hard to escape from and to recover from the damage. And it is most definitely a form of abuse.
@IhateMike2022
Agreed with ever single thing you said. Unfortunately, I have a lot of personal experience with being on the receiving end for a lot of my formative years. However, those experiences have increased my self-awareness to the point where I know how to spot the behavior.
@sereneSunset26 We need to accept that this is a part of our culture and something that most of us most likely have done at some point. With the greatest of respect this article feels as though it is pointing the finger at those who have made mistakes and I don't feel that is particularly helpful.
@guitarist175
I agree that nobody should be eviscerated for their mistakes (even intentional gaslighting via a defensive apology), but, speaking for myself, I wouldn't want any type of gaslighting to become a social norm of our culture.
@sereneSunset26 Not once did I say that I think gaslighting should become a social norm either
Got to say on a personal level I come to this website as the one escape from the things in life that anger me and put me in a negative headspace.
Some comments removed by AffyAvo April 20, 2022 See #2
@sereneSunset26 Had my previous message removed and was blocked for daring to speak on the forum, not a mistake I will make again.
@sereneSunset26
I don't think enough people talk about how their own egos get in the way of effectively communicating with others, especially when it comes to conflict or facing things we have done wrong. Nobody wants to be the one in the wrong. But if we want to make society a kinder place, becoming more humble is very important.
Thanks for bringing up this topic!
@cafedaydreams
I don't think enough people talk about how their own egos get in the way of effectively communicating with others, especially when it comes to conflict or facing things we have done wrong. Nobody wants to be the one in the wrong. But if we want to make society a kinder place, becoming more humble is very important.
I bolded both things that stuck out to me with what you said; you're spot-on. So many people (myself at times as well), like you said, do let their egos get in the way. My own personal guess (as I've said on here before) is that a lot of people have trouble differentiating between "I did something bad" and "I am bad." Guilt is one thing, but shame is another. The latter being toxic and unproductive.
@sereneSunset26 I have experienced this many times and given it a lot of thought. Based on the person saying it and other parts of the conversation, I could feel the gaslighting in it. I could almost predict that the next words would be something like “well just don’t feel that way” or “maybe you’re overreacting”. People who’ve done this usually tell me regularly that I’m oversensitive. I think as others have said here, it has a lot to do with not wanting to feel guilty themselves out like a bad person. Sometimes I sense their irritation, that whatever thing they wanted to just do quickly has now become more drawn out because I called them out on it. Like it’s almost aggressive in trying to shut down additional conversation.
@EmbracingChaos
I definitely resonate with this whole paragraph. I was meeting up with a long-term friend for breakfast today, and I was telling him that I have people in my life (mainly family) that really don't like me agreeing to disagree with them. In addition to that, there's definitely a dynamic where feelings are selectively discounted, and double-standards applied to behavior. I've certainly learned to put boundaries down over the years due to all of this. 😅
And thank you so much for saying this as well. I feel it's important to note that there are always exceptions when it comes to communication--intent matters so much, and you illustrated that beautifully.
