Surprisingly okay.
Today I am feeling alone, lonely, a little frightened and a lot confused. My sister and my therapist tell me that I am obsessing and that I need to stop doing so. How? I have a disease that should have killed me during the first 2 - 3 weeks. But it didn't. So now when I try to find a prognosis - I am told that because it is such a rare disease ( and because I survived when I shouldn't ) there just isn't enough research out there to give any sort of semi definitive answer. The only certainty is that it will eventually kill me. Whether or not it is within the 2 to 7 month period that most people expire within....or does my body have somesort of hidden reserves that will give me a few years? Not even the "top" expert in Canada when it comes to this disease can ( or will ) give me any straight answers. I don't know HOW to not think about it. I don't want to bring my 7Cups family down so I stay away when I probably need them the most. I try to keep busy reading, doing my journal and binge watching TV ( Orange Is The New Black ) to keep my mind occupied. I hang out with one of the neighbor's - Joe - going for walks with my trusty walker ( still can't go too far on my own ), playing scrabble with him and philosophying. I really wish my family ( okay my sister especiallly ) were huggers. I really want someone to hold me while I just let the tears out until they are all gone. I am just scared and lonely and no one ( family ) seems to beableto understand.
@BlakeMac
I can tell how scared you are. It's ok to be scared. Hug!!!! I also hear that you're a survivor and have bested the odds?! You must be a strong fighter!! I will pray for you! Pray that you can keep fighting! Obsessing is something I do to. I hate it and can't tell I do it even really. I don't know if I'm helping you or not? But I know that it's hard to live in today when the past and the unknown future are chasing and staring at me. I've been there. I am there. I just want you to know you're not alone. None of us are promised a "tomorrow". Accidents, disease, and life happens. I was seriously sick with a tumor and was going blind when I was younger. I was Teririfed!!!! But my faith is God helped me. I still struggle with those feelings. A lot of bad has happened to me. But I keep fighting to. Just like you!!! You're so loved!! You really are!!! I hope one more hug helps you!! Press on!!!
@KLM3278 Thank you so much for your prayers and hugs. The Home Care nurse, Elaine, was in today to flush the picc and change the bandage so I had a bit of time to talk to someone who sort of understands what I am feeling. Even though I know that none of us can say with certainty what tomorrow brings, knowing I have this disease inside of me that the only thing anyoneknows for certain about, is that my life will be shortened. I may be lucky and be one of the extremely few who have actually survived 5 years. I think it's the not knowing anything about the disease that's making me crazy. Because of being so rare there hasn't been much research on it. And I know I shouldn't be angry with my sister and therapist for telling me to stop obsessing, but I have this horrible disease inside of me that will definititely kill me - whether it be quickly or slowly - and it's almost like they are tivializing it. I know they're not - it just feels like it. I am frightened and angry and lonely and I just want to cry all the time - but I don't. This is one time being a "survivor" isn't going to pull me through.
@BlakeMac
I understand a lot. You can write with me anytime. I know how scared you must be. Can you find any way to soothe yourself? A bubble bath? Warm blankets? Stuffed animals or real animals? Enjoy the moment that's right now? :) Hug!!! I wish I could help you in a big important major way. God loves you so much! You are very important! I will keep praying for healing and for you to feel His peace that surpasses all understanding in your heart. Hug!!!
😕😑 morning of day 22......sober
@Introvrtd1
This is a BIG achievement! You're very strong! Keep going!!! Hug!
Less paranoid that I was a week ago, which is nice.
Lost. Sad. Don't know what I'm doing
@reliableShip4593
Hug!! I will pray for you!! I hope you can figure out a direction. You're not alone though!!! Hug!
Atm I do feel so alone
Even
Sad, anxious, upset and frustrated. I know a lot of these are from a neighbor's situation today - neighbor is also a friend, and those feelings are because of that situation. I need to figure out a way to not take on other folks problems and emotions. And to not let my emotions be taken over by other folks actions. Sigh
Exhubrant, contented, loved
Sleepy. Tired from working out ;p
