A special princess

TW: mentions of SH, alcoholism, eating disorder, and death.

Once upon a time, there was a princess. At an early age, she was declared to be the fairest of them all. Gifts, trendy fashion, and the flashing of cameras became a daily event. She was the main character. But, a princess had duties other than simply looking pretty (although that was still her main duty) and she was put in charge of a small province. She assumed this new role with gusto, falling in love with the people and doing her best to protect and guide them. She was quickly given another province and another. The princess had already devoted her heart to the first province, so when the rule of these other two were thrust into her lap, she couldn't help but let her true feelings seep through. A hierarchy of preference came through in meetings: the princess gave the ruler of the first provincial ruler the seat next to hers, multiple expensive gifts, and flirted with him under the table. The ruler of the second province was an energetic lad who she forced into playing either the villain or the fool of any plan or argument. The ruler of the third province was mostly ignored and only called upon if a fourth opinion was necessary or if the princess had a strong desire to look upon his puppy-dog face.

Love and subtle abuse flourished. Through the chaos of the growing provinces, the princess did her best to hold her power. And for a time, she DID hold her power- over the provinces, in the ballroom. She knew what to say, what parlor tricks to play, what dance moves to perform- all to dazzle, all to come out on top again and again. She was main character. It seemed that even at night she could hear the universe talking directly to her. She was special, she was the chosen one!

But, by the night of her first moon cycle, she noticed her control faltering. The provinces were holding secret meetings without her. Her social status amongst the nobles had been subtly declining for years due to her talents slowly falling out of fashion. The queen began prodding the princess's body, pulling her hair, and offering her glossy lotions and potions so that she could grow into a new realm of power, the realm that the queen occupied. This was what the princess should aspire to of course, she was born for this. So, she carried on practicing her talents in private and adjusting to her lower social ranking and letting the provinces she once ruled now do as they pleased with a gracious smile, from far up on her balcony. There, she would wave like a lady, all flowers and perfect skin and curls and lace. And push up bra.

It was at this time that they shipped this fertile young princess off to a neighboring kingdom for marriage. Fortunately, the prince was a slow-talking charmer with an easy manner. His talents didn't lie in the ballroom or library, but rather in the orchard and he was as sweet as the peaches he offered her. He immediately welcomed the princess's foreign beauty...but, he could never seem to locate her within his own palace. Something had snapped within the princess. Suddenly, all eyes upon her body felt predatory, all mouths that opened threatened to fill her ears with tainted sounds. This new place would consume her if she let it, it would erase her. HER. The main character. She could not let that happen. She vowed to preserve herself and survive. The prince was an honest and good lad, but eventually the draw of her foreign beauty lost its newness and he ran out of energy to pursue her. They both accepted it would be a political marriage and everyone was happy because when the cameras flashed, the couple was beautiful and smiling and that was all that truly mattered.

The prince did not need the princess to continue his easy life of peaches and sunny social gatherings. Meanwhile, the princess clung to the shadows and jailed herself in escapist fantasy after fantasy. Her paranoia of others only grew. She grew ever more cynical and fearful, even while she smiled and waved. She must survive, she must not be consumed by the eyes of others. She did as she was told- except she refused to talk. Except she threw away her push up bras and glossy lotions and potions. Except she chose to wear the blandest of fashions. Her only friends were the dolls lined up upon her bed. And then one day, when her mother came to visit, she walked out of her chambers with all her shorn locks in her hand and her mother screamed as she had never screamed before.

The princess reveled in the chaos she'd created, that adrenaline hum of branding herself an outsider. This is how things would finally change! And yet, they didn't. The princess watched in numb amazement how life fell back into the same rhythm, like some relentless machine. She had made no impact. It was like she didn't exist at all, haunting that little corner of hers- her self-isolation had turned her into an afterthought. Just as before, she accepted this new reality, took a deep breath, and continued her duties of smiling and waving for the cameras. And despite having to continue the facade, she finally found some true pleasure in her life again. She emerged from her dark chambers more and more often and soon the palace folk became familiar to her. She found a small group of noble women she could share her fantasies with and they praised her talent and encouraged her to write. In the span of two years, the princess went from paranoid hermit to radiant bohemian.

She pushed the expression of her fantasies in new creative directions with such gusto and innovation that she drew the attention of a prestigious university. They called upon her to attend and grow her talents even further. Everyone around her rejoiced and threw celebrations for her achievement and despite the odd dread in her stomach, she did as she was told and celebrated as well.

Her husband kissed her and that was her last taste of sunlight before the carriage transported her up into the frigid north. There was no prince waiting for her there. The university had made it seem like she was a kind of celebrity to them in the letters she had received, but in truth, she was just one face amongst many at the ceremony dedicated to the beginning of another academic year. Confused, the princess continued to search for hints of the special interest the letters had impressed upon her, but day after gray day passed. To distract herself from all the lonely gray dread that surrounded her, the princess threw herself into her studies and talents.

She quickly rose to the top of her classes. She was more innovative and productive in her expression than ever before. And yet that gray sky kept weighing down on her no matter where she went. The old paranoia- consuming eyes, tainting voices- began to devour her once more. The princess retreated to the most remote places and kept to the shadows, every person a passing threat. She had kept her hair short, so there was no opportunity for a change in her appearance acting as a catalyst to lift her out of this growing abyss...or was there?

The princess began putting her utensils down sooner. Her walks through the campus became long and punishing. She transformed her appearance back into that of a preteen- all flatness and limbs and big eyes. Hungry eyes. The princess had branded herself as an outsider before with her out-of-fashion talents and then her bland clothing and short hair, but now that she was in need of company again, she was confident that having the appearance of a child would invoke a parental response from those around her. She would be special. They would swoop in and save her from the the crushing gray skies and the consuming eyes and the tainting voices. Parental love is unconditional, of course, so she would not need to worry about providing them anything in exchange. Just love, love, love.

And yet, she continued to be one face amongst many. Each day was the same relentless gray expanse. So, the princess pushed onward to force a change, to touch the edge of a catastrophe until SOMEONE cared. Because someone would have to eventually notice her and care, right? If she looked sick enough, someone would HAVE to actually stop and help her, right?? And yet her suffering was never enough. It was only on the evening that she was considering flaying her arm like a fish that she finally sent a message to her husband, admitting how things were really going at the university and that she wanted to return home. She received a message back relaying the unfortunate news that the prince had recently died from a sudden illness, as had her only companions in the palace.

Reeling with grief, defeat, and malnutrition, the princess returned to her home kingdom instead. Her family had established a new routine since she had left all those years ago and while they welcomed her on the surface, it was obvious she was an unwelcome disruption. And an embarrassment at that- she was nearing spinster age, but she now had no husband and was back to being a parasite of her parents. It was unsightly. And was her sad appearance and her gangly limbs, she was unsightly as well, so her parents quickly shipped her off to a wellness spring in the remote mountains. 

She quickly realized this was her paradise! Women of all strange sorts came to the fragrant springs to sing and cry and hold each other in the depths of night. She had never felt so loved. She had never felt so seen. The gray skies and dark chambers of her mind burst into prismatic fragments amid the tears and steam and suspended there, in the arms of all these other women, a hope blossomed so brightly in the princess's chest that others could see her light. But, when the overseers saw this light, they declared that they no longer had a place for her in the healing springs because she was already healed and now she must leave. To stay would be to take away the healing opportunity from another poor girl and she wouldn't want to be guilty of THAT, now would she? When the princess dared to express that she would still like to be a part of the community, the overseers eventually granted her a place in a similar cabin retreat further down the mountain. 

With that hope still burning bright, the princess eagerly entered this new community of women with open arms...only to find they did not open their arms. To anyone. Just like in the outside world, there was no transcendent singing and crying. Nights were spent alone in separate chambers, as custom. The smell of dark soil invaded everything. When the princess dared to express concern, the overseers dismissed her and argued that they knew best. The gray skies that the princess thought she had left behind mixed with the dark soil and eyes were beetles and beetles were eyes and her body was a cage and this cabin was another cage and this life was the largest and cruelest cage of them all. There was no winning here, there was no more progress to be made. Except for death. 

When the princess admitted this, they crucified her, but did not let her body die. Her soul on the other hand? Why should they care for that? As long as the body functioned, the princess could smile for promotional photos- because she was very pretty and charming with that foreign beauty of hers, of course. 

Once they were certain the princess's body was a well-oiled machine, they declared that she was fully healed and sent her back home with a little bracelet that had 'hope' spelled across in four beads and the healing company's logo printed across the rest of them. 

Even if the princess no longer had a soul, she had a well-oiled brain at least. She kept herself afloat, half-alive, by creatively expressing new fantasies while dwelling within the shadows of the palace walls. And yet, the crucifixion, black soil, need for love love love, gray skies, the otherness, consuming eyes and tainted sounds- they all continued to pull her under, year by year. And soon enough, the kitchen servants found knives and bottles of wine missing and the infirmary realized rolls of gauze and jars of salve had been stolen. 

They found the princess a foreign beauty, red in the royal baths. She became the most loved and special thing- for several months. 

Her gravestone now gathers dust amongst many others. 

The end.