6.5 years long relationship broken
I had relationship with my girlfriend for 6.5 years, but we hit a really rough patch, so I did the dumb thing and asked us to have a small break for ourselves, so that we could gather up our strength again, I had no intention of even looking at other women, I really just needed some time to get my head straight, as due to several issues (work stress, she was unemployed, family issues and others) I felt like I was wearing quite thin, and needed room to breathe.
She was reluctant, she thought I was leaving her, but I assured her that was not the case, and we kept speaking to each other everyday, but just didn't see each other, that is up to a point, 3 months later, I told her I was back on my feet, I had resolved some issues and learned how to deal with others, so I wanted to not only get back to seeing her, but also finish up the preparations for our wedding.
Problem is, she then told me that she was dating another man, for 2 months already at that... That information completely broke me, it felt like I was thrown under a bus, broke every bone in my body and simply wasn't able to die from it... But the real kicker was that in those 2 months, she had already engaged him in sexual activities, while we never did it, as we are both Christians, and we're waiting to do it only after getting married...
So not only was she dating someone, she had already given him more than ever thought possible with me... I have more info on this, but the character limit won't allow...
When you asked for the time you were confident that you r not breaking up with her but she did not had that confident in what you said to her. Sometime people don't know how to handle such situation due to insecurity or being left alone so they just jumb into new relationship and give everything to hold that relationship.
I am just wondering why she deny for not having sex with you when he did with new boyfriend. Anyway with cool mind meet face to face. Talk with her. Ask for the reason why such difference in behaviour. Secondly when you will talk you would find from her behaviour that whether she regret what she did or she is just behaving casual so you get clarity she still love you or just need you.
As you love her I suggest you this option. Secondly after meeting her if you feel you can't let her past take away from your mind than it would not be healthy for your both future.
Meet and than decide. Talk maturely no need to be sad person. Because whatever would happen would be best for you. Remember everybody is not same. You should take time to heal if you decide to leave this relationship. So you don't carry past baggage when you get into new relationship. Nothing wrong to be single for few months or year. Because relationship is important part of life till we don't feel comfortable we should not get into it.
@Divorcsupport I have spoken with her, she claims that what she did was a mistake, even though she did it repeatedly, and only realized it after she was dumped by him...
I've never been so hurt in my life, I invested everything on her, my time, money, love and feelings... My whole future, everything I had everything planned was based on having her with me...
I cared, helped and loved her in every possible way for almost 7 years, just so some random dude she just met got to reap the "rewards"... That hurts me more than I can properly describe...
@Vermillion256
If she regret for her mistake than once you cool down think on it cool mind. See all person r not so mature and the way you had looked upon relations she might not . I am just concern if she love you and heartily regret for her mistake than see if you give chance. As you had planned many thing for your both future and if she value now than .. If your mind is not comfortable for giving her chance than ..move on. You r very nice person surely will get someone same like you.
@Vermillion256
I read what listener om said. I need you through it. It show the other side of relationship which you have noticed. May be you should let go past and be happy with her.
@Divorcsupport I'm beginning to think there's really no way past this, I love her and want to be with her, but the feeling that I'm worst than trash like that is too much for me to bear.
I can somewhat understand what she says, but me understanding that doesn't make it any better for me... I truly believe she thinks of that as a mistake, but it still hurts, it's not something I can just simply let go...
I don't think I can trust her anymore... And that's pretty much the end of it I guess... I'm at a complete loss right now...
@Vermillion256
If you can't trust than it difficult to restart again. Now you have to see your love for her matter or her mistake. If you can forgive her than fine otherwise and is better. Keeping doubt in mind or feeling insecure all time is not worth.
Take one day break alone time the place you like. Just keep thought away.With fresh mind later think on it.
When we keep on thinking thinking we get just confused tired and feel low.
In that whatever decision take we can't be happy. So pls relax first and than decide. Take care.
@Vermillion256
I had relationship with my girlfriend for 6.5 years, but we hit a really rough patch, so I did the dumb thing and asked us to have a small break for ourselves, (A break from the relationship explicitly removes all expectations of monogamy or loyalty) so that we could gather up our strength again, I had no intention of even looking at other women, (your intentions are your choice, she has the freedom to choose when she is not in an active relationship. )I really just needed some time to get my head straight, as due to several issues (work stress, she was unemployed, family issues and others) I felt like I was wearing quite thin, and needed room to breathe.
She was reluctant, (So at that point she was attached to you and expressed that she didn't want to disconnect )she thought I was leaving her (This means she felt rejected by you.), but I assured her that was not the case (you still continued with your unilateral decision though), and we kept speaking to each other everyday (obviously at that point what she was speaking to you was from a disconnected standpoint), but just didn't see each other, that is up to a point, 3 months later, I told her I was back on my feet, I had resolved some issues and learned how to deal with others, so I wanted to not only get back to seeing her, but also finish up the preparations for our wedding(Which means you essentially had broken up a wedding, not just a relationship. It's devastating for her to say the least.)
Problem is, she then told me that she was dating another man, for 2 months already at that... (this was clearly a rebound situation which means she needed to feel validated. She needed something to make her feel better after that terrible rejection and broken wedding. Credit to her that she honestly told you what has happened when you came back to suggest preparing again for a wedding) That information completely broke me, it felt like I was thrown under a bus, broke every bone in my body and simply wasn't able to die from it... But the real kicker was that in those 2 months, she had already engaged him in sexual activities, while we never did it, as we are both Christians, and we're waiting to do it only after getting married... (Despite all good intentions, she had been dumped by the man.you, she believed would marry her after almost 7 years!)
So not only was she dating someone, she had already given him more than ever thought possible with me... I have more info on this, but the character limit won't allow...
@0m I think it's important to clarify that we had agreed to the time away from each other, in no circumstances did I ever even suggest I'd not get back to her, I was crystal clear that I just needed some time to sort some stuff both in my head and work related.
I didn't dump her, we agreed to stay together but not seeing each other for some time... Perhaps I've expressed myself badly, and the 1200 character limit certainly doesn't help...
Anyway, I was speaking with her constantly during those 3 months, not once did I ignore or mistreated her, and not only that, but she found someone else and gave that other person much more than ever thought conceivable to me in such a small time window... To me that just means I really have no value to her, as she lied to me for so long...
Had I completely ignored, or shunned her in any way I could perhaps agree with you, but that was not the case, we were still daily saying we loved each other, and I reminded her that... But at the same time we were exchanging love messages, she was making love to that other man...
I'm not saying I'm a saint or anything like that, in fact my greatest sin was to ask for that small time apart... But I truly don't think it's fair to pin this on me, as I was extremely clear on my intentions, and thought reluctant at first, she accepted...
@Vermillion256 By the way, just so that the reply remains in one thread, the commentary about finding someone else is not based on me actually trying and failing to do so, it's based on first, I don't want to find someone else, if it's not with her, I want to be alone for a while, let myself heal properly.
And second, most people often don't read the situation properly or don't understand I really love her, so they just automatically suggest me to find someone else, that's just to rule that out from the get go.
@Vermillion256
You love this woman and had a tiny window to repair the situation, which is why I had written. Her actions and choices speak far louder than my words and I placed what you shared into a neutral context with the hope that you might see things from a different perspective to yours. I hope you find your path to peace :) Good luck!
@Vermillion256
From what I see I can tell you had some doubts about the relationship, which is why you asked for space, there's nothing wrong with asking for space in a relationship, but I can tell this bothered her a lot and she didn't communicate it in an open way. I do feel the three months of not seeing each was long, however she agreed to this terms, and then secretly started seeing someone else behind your back for those two months. She is showing dishonesty here, specially when she agreed to the space part and how behaved like a couple. They are a few things she agreed, however I feel like she just went along with things rather than openly saying "no". I personally wouldn't accept a relationship with her when she's is taking out the intimacy part after what she had with the other dude. I would also be careful with her, she is showing behaviors that are not of an adult.
