After a three-year relationship, he broke up with me out of the blue!
My boyfriend of almost three years just broke up with me... four hours ago.
He was visiting (we've been long distance for a year), in town for work from an assignment abroad. He will be back in a few months, by the way.
We've been making it work well. Lots of communication, trust, and he also gets to travel back home more than five times a year. We would spend hours on the phone with each other. And a day wouldn't go by where we didn't text one another.
The assignment has been difficult, and at times, he credited me for being there to support him, to keep him going. He had a health scare prior to his move, which I was also there to help him with. We had been together through thick and thin.
We had been planning our summer trip together too.
Anyway, everything between us seemed well. He came for work as usual. This was not his first visit back. He had been super busy for the past two weeks, and couldn't spend a whole lot of time with me, but he would at least call or text to let me know what he was doing. We had lunches and dinners whenever possible. It was a bit frustrating for me, not being able to see him while he was here, but I understood what he had on his plate.
Today was his last day in town. We had brunch together and did a bit of shopping before his flight. Everything was rosy. He caressed my knees while driving and clutched my arms while we were walking around the mall. As he was driving me home, he dropped the bomb. He apologized for not being able to spend a lot of time with me during this visit... and he said he didn't want to make me sad in not being there, but at the same time, he didn't want me to be sad if he got out of the relationship. We were three minutes from the house when he told me this. I felt like my whole world collapsed. I didn't know what to say. I vowed to be better in whatever way(s) I could. I promised to go at a pace good for him. He just wasn't feeling it. I didn't want to keep him from catching his plane, so out of anger and frustration, I got up and left, slammed the door of the car and rushed inside the house. He went to the airport.
I feel empty without the one person what meant everything to me. I'm so anxious. I don't understand why this is happening. It totally sucks that I am head over heels for him, and it seems like he just doesn't feel the same.
I turned my phone off and deactivated my social media. I don't want any reminders of him. I just need to breathe right now. Going into no contact...
Any advice? What is he thinking? What should I do moving forward?
Thanks for your response. I guess I went no contact so quickly out of anger, frustration, and fear. I am afraid to 'face' him and to hear him say something like 'move on,' 'let's be friends' or 'it's just not working.' I feel like I'm insulating myself from the potential negative feelings and thoughts attached to him. It could also be a chance for both of us to breathe and cool down... especially me. I will keep it up as long as I can, until perhaps I am at peace somehow.
Those last moments together just keep replaying in my head, and I totally didn't see this coming.
@selfdisciplinedWatermelon5388 Firstly, I would like to say I am extremely sorry to hear about your breakup. My heart goes out to you.
Secondly, from what you wrote it sounded to me like maybe he was cushioning the fall when he held your hand and caressed your knees in the car because you don't make someone feel loved one minute and break up with them the next (again, this is completely from my perspective). Thirdly, if he didn't want you to feel sad after the relationship then he should've provided the means necessary. I am in a long distance relationship too and it frustrates me when I can't spend time with him even when he's in town, so I understand what you're feeling. But that is hardly an excuse because as long as you love each other, distance is never a problem. There will be a few bumps on the road, but you're supposed to overcome them together.
You have my support if you want to move forward. You know what's best for you and if you need time off then take it. You're being very brave. I wish you all the best in your future endeavours.
@damselinthisdress
Thank you for that. That was really helpful. LDRs aren't that difficult to maintain, in my opinion. I am the most loyal person I know. It's the anxiety and constant searching for reassurance that can sometimes get in the way.
I guess I had been insecure about his feelings toward me. Is he committed, is he not? I know he's willing to do distance, but I was still searching for more. Sometimes I could feel his affection and was grateful that he was putting in the effort despite the challenges; or that despite challenges, we were naturally making this work. Other times, I would question our future and exactly how committed he was. He is certainly the type that doesn't like confrontation and tension. And so, if work was difficult, or if I was anxious, he'd pull away or close up.
But take this past visit, for example... he made efforts to meet me between meetings and schedule meals together. On one hand, this was a drastic change from past visits where he didn't even have time to see me. But this time around, I sort of felt, things were actually working... though it lacked a certain intimacy... maybe it was just him being exhausted from work. I freaked out anyway, which in turn, pushed him away. I just kept pushing for more, wanting more, even though he had been giving a lot already.
@selfdisciplinedWatermelon5388
long distance relationships are hard. being able to communicate how you feel regardless of what may happen or what he thinks, is for you. Having self love and respect of who you are and you will meet the right person. Hopefully you will reconnect and work together being closer
@selfdisciplinedWatermelon5388 I totally agree with you. It is the anxiety and reassurance that get in the way and in my opinion, they stem from deep-rooted insecurity just like you mentioned. If you have to wonder about his commitment then that can sometimes lead to problems, especially in LDRs. In my two years of relationship I've learnt that we should put in all the effort to make our partner feel secure in the relationship. That way no amount of pressure or tension can hamper your peace of mind.
And about his past visit, did you feel the lack of connection often when you two met?
@damselinthisdress
Actually, in the first few visits, he would get excited to see me (the first few days), but then he saw time as an enemy--with the limited amount of days to get work done, catch up with people, and run errands while he was in town--he would become frazzled. He made time for me, but not a whole lot. I had to step back in order to let him do his things. As frustrating as it was for me, sometimes I would crack under pressure and act out, demanding that he make me more of a priority and even allow me to help him in getting his stuff done. He would push back and close up. So I had to give him his space. When he returned to his post, things went back to normal. With no pressure to spend time with one another, we just went back to being 'normal.' The cycle would then start again when he came back.
This past visit, I felt was a good improvement from the past. Instead of just being absent while he was off doing his things, he told me every day what he was doing and where he was going. In the midst of all that, he would squeeze in whatever time he could to see me, whether it was in between meetings or for lunch or dinner.
I should've been grateful for that, but I was still a bit unsatisfied. There was a lingering insecurity on my part, as we discussed before. I knew he was under pressure at work, but my feelings got the best of me as I yearned for deeper affection and attention. Maybe it was the clingy-ness in me that wanted more.
Fast forward to the weekend, I met him for lunch after he wrapped up his work. He apologized again for not being so available, then promised we could have the rest of the time left together. He was very affectionate, and I felt loved.
At what would be our last dinner during the visit, I saw that he was exhausted from work and running errands, I expressed concern as he seemed out of it, totally different from the guy that was before me earlier that day. He seemed more distant. I know it wasn't anything I did or said. That night he just seemed kind of blah.
The next day came the brunch and shopping before his flight back. Like everything I described to you, he seemed his normal self again... then he dropped that bombshell.
I don't know what to do know. Are we both exhausted with this relationship? I am one who will fiercely fight for love, and work to maintain it, but when is enough enough? When is it time to throw in the towel? Is this salvageable?
In the car yesterday, he said he had been staying in the relationship because of me. He didn't want to see me sad if he left, but on the other hand, he also didn't want to see me sad if he stayed around not being able to give me what I needed. This echoes in my mind and upsets me.
I'm sorry I kept expecting more when he was already giving a lot of himself. I'm sorry it came off as me not sympathizing with his position and load. I'm sorry I wasn't calm when things weren't perfect. I told him this, but maybe it's too late...
@selfdisciplinedWatermelon5388 Okay. See, the insecurity and longing that you're feeling, it's not unnatural. He was going out of his way to be there for you but still you wanted a little more. It's okay, it happens to the best of us. You can't control what you feel. The best thing to do is to communicate those feelings calmly and reasonably to the partner so that they understand. After you've done that, they should communicate their feelings back to you. The test of a relationship is not how you are when you're fine, it is how you are when things are not going so well. The way out is never to just end things. If he was in the relationship just to make you happy, then that is called doing charity. You don't want to be treated like a charity case, do you? You're worth so much more. Now only you can decide whether this is salvageable. If you think you acted rashly and want to talk to him and work it through (as @anonySummer9195 suggested), you can do that. If you think you want to leave this behind and move on, you can do that too. Just think about it in-depth to clearly understand what's best for you. :)
@damselinthisdress
Thank you again!
I got to wondering today... do you think he had planned to break up with me at the start of this trip? It looked like he was putting in the effort to be affectionate and caring, but can that be perceived as trying to soften the blow or were those actions genuine?
If they were genuine, did my anxiety push him away?
I know I have to keep that in check, but also let him know what I want from our relationship... I have to communicate that calmly as you said and not in a way that pushing him away.
I'm really worried now. Is he done? This is most nerve-wracking. Right now we're giving each other space, but is it space leading to reflecting and revitalizing or a silence leading to more distancing and definitive separation?
In my heart, I know this is salvageable if we have it in ourselves to try again. I am just on pins and needles, afraid that he wants to call it quits. I hope this silence will help us for the better.
@selfdisciplinedWatermelon5388 If you look back at our discussion, I think I've mentioned that it sounded like he was cushioning the fall or softening the blow, whichever way you put it.
Forget about the past for a few seconds. Think about the present. Do you want to be with him? Think about it, reflect on it. Now do you think he wants to be with you, do you think he's still in love with you? Think about that too. If you're unsure, you could also ask him one last time. I think that should provide you with a guide to how to proceed. See, when it comes to distance, you don't know whether they're going to miss you or forget you-- I'd give you that. But does it really matter if two people are in love? When you love someone, you be with them no matter what (unless, of course, they're abusive or something, but you get my point). So that is the first thing you have to figure out. How much you both are willing to work on it. That should help you reach a decision.
@damselinthisdress
Thank you again for being there these past days. It really helps to talk and reflect on emotions. I must say that you are a good therapist and counselor. You give good feedback with direction that is not necessarily leaning one way or another, but nonetheless prompts you to really look inwardly for viable and constructive solutions. I thank you.
Today was relatively calm again with a bit of sadness here and there, but keeping busy really helps. It's a tride and true remedy.
I haven't heard from him yet, but I'm taking things day by day. Really, that's the only thing you can do. I am both working on self-improvement and preparing myself for whatever situation happens (whether we can work it out eventually or not).
@selfdisciplinedWatermelon5388 I am very glad that you're taking it one day at a time. You are going through a challenging time, so it's okay to take baby steps. Keep busy, do what makes you happy, rediscover yourself. After all, there's no love greater than self-love! :)
Also, thank you so much for your feedback. You can drop me a line anytime you want to reconnect (I'd like it if you kept me posted on your progress), can be in this post or personally text me and I promise to get back to you as soon as I can! Have a lovely day. Take care.
@selfdisciplinedWatermelon5388
Hey! I've moved your thread to the Break-ups and Divorced section.
@selfdisciplinedWatermelon5388 hi there, wow that sounds like quite the shock! It sounds like from what you said, everything was going fine until that point where he told 'dropped the bomb'. I'm sorry that you are going through this, it must be so shocking. lease know that you are not alone - we are here for you. It sounds like you cut ties with him pretty quickly. If the relationship was complex and meant something to the both of you, I feel like there is more to it then he is just suddenly not into you anymore. Perhaps he is going through something that he hasn't shared with you? I think that in the longrun, talking to him may give you both some closure. I think not knowing why he made this sudden decision will always bother you if you don't talk to him ever again. You both shared something meaningful and I think you owe it to each other to at least discuss it. It is fine for you to take some space from him and social media I think that is totally allowed. But I think at some point, he will reach out to you or maybe you will reach out to him. If you never want to speak to him again I understand (and that is your right), but it sounds like what you have is worth a lot to you so I would at least hear him out if he has anything to say. Regardless of what you decide, we are here for you. I am sorry you had to experience something like this. If you would like to chat more, please feel free to message me directly. Now is a great time to take some time for yourself and do things that you enjoy doing and that make you feel good. Take care of yourself. xo
@calidescopeheart
Thank you so much for your kind words and comfort.
Sometimes I feel ok. I keep busy, focusing on my career, bettering myself, and other things. Other times, I can't help but think of him--the good and the bad. I have a mixed bag of feelings--some hopeful, thinking we can overcome this and reconcile, while others are angry and a bit sad, feeling that he completely gave up on me and US.
I don't know if we'll talk again. At this point, I'm not so angry at him where we're at a point of no return. Deep down, I hope we can work things out.
Belive me, you and the others here have been enormously helpful. I thank you immensely!
@selfdisciplinedWatermelon5388 My pleasure. I hope it works out. Take care
