Am I a bad wife?
Ok, this will be long and possibly I will ramble so I apologize in advance.
My husband and I (both 27) have been together for 9 years and married for 3. We met in middle school, began dating in high school, and were each other's firsts for everything. We have always been each other's best friends, we have a ton of shared interests and likes and dislikes, we can talk forever about seemingly nothing. I consider him to be someone I can't imagine my life without. Which brings me to this.
I don't know if I love him love him. Thinking back, I don't know if I ever really did, sexually or even romantically. He's tall and he's lost weight and he isn't ugly, but I can't remember the last time I felt butterflies near him. I want to think it's because I'm depressed and can't feel anything recently, joy or otherwise. But sadly I have become increasingly irritated by his shortcomings and I want to spend more time away from home than I should.
To explain, he is horribly indecisive. Usually it's fine, I help and everything is fine, but over the past year-ish these decisions don't stick and they're costing us financially. Tens of thousands of dollars actually. And I do blame myself for not putting my foot down more firmly and not saying enough is enough, but I just want him to be happy. And it's indecisiveness over a hobby, something he supposedly does for fun, but it seems to be a stressor rather than a stress reliever.
I'm @ post limit. If can, see below 4 more
Have you thought about divorcing him?
@shyghostlime
I have, but there's a lot of issues and confusion for me. First off, I have no money to leave. Our bank accounts are shared, we have zero savings and are in roughly $25,000 in debt. Since me leaving would require a plane ticket, I couldn't for months. Also, he's been in my life for nearly a decade, I can't honestly imagine my life without him, nor do I know what I'd do on my own. It's like the sunk cost fallacy kinda? It's difficult for me to explain.
@KokoroTrouble
It appears like you feel you have hit a plateau in your relationship. Do you think your toleration of him and your life right now is what is attributing to your depression? Your purposely avoiding him maybe indicates that you need to take a break from him (whether it be a spa day or weekend staycation by yourself). Have you tried talking to your husband about your feeling disconnected from him?
I would tread lightly with the new guy that's sparking interest. He might appear like an escape from your life for right NOW, but think long term.
long term:
- do you see yourself growing old with your husband?
-Is everything "fine" enough for you to tolerate 2 more years of?
-Are you willing to put in work to make your relationship work out?
@QueenCB04
We have talked about this all, and we definitely agree depression is a huge part of it. And I have told him that I need to focus on myself so I can get better, but thus far I haven't been able to do that because of many circumstances (general housework, work obligations, helping him with his issues). I have felt like I have no time still.
We are trying to fix things, but in my brain I still have a horrible negative voice telling me it's not good enough, that I don't feel love or anything like that, that I'm lying…I think it's the depression, but I'm afraid that I'm faking my emotions.
I'm pretty sure I still want a future with him, I just also have the voice in my heart saying I need to quit because it won't get better.
have you tried talking to him about this?
I think its normal to feel some sort of attraction towards someone else, but thats where your loyalty to your husband comes in. For better, or for worse. Maybe consider counseling?
After so many years of marriage, it seems like you've hit a plateu in your relationship. Take is as a chance to discover something new with him.
But the biggest takeaway: you need to talk to him about all of this. You have to. I know it can be a difficult conversation, but you need to express to him how you've been feeling in your marriage too. If he's a committed person to your marriage and loves you, he'll try to change for the better. Whatever you see in this friend of yours and your husbands are things you probably miss seeing in your husband.
rekindle the fire.
@warmheartedNorth1601
youre not a bad person. Its hard to feel trapped like the way you do, especially in a foreign place. Try doing activities with him, and make each other the priority in each other life
@warmheartedNorth1601
This actually all was a huge blowout argument on Valentine's Day of all days…I had been so stressed and we had been having little nonsense arguments everyday that I just told him that I don't think I love him anymore. After that, it's been slow going and we've been trying to mend things. But my negative feelings are still there. I did start personal counseling, which my husband supports, but only time will tell if I will feel better or the same I think.
