Band aid of betrayal

"Here i am ,once again,  torn into pieces cant deny it cant pretend ,just thought you were the one" 

Lol the lyrics bombarding my brain after i discovered that my husband is once again cheating on me online. I found out on April fools day, and boy did i feel foolish🥴.

You know that gut feeling? Dont ever shut her up! I swear shes on ur side. I suffocated my inside voice so that i could believe he has changed, only to be stunned when i was on his phone. Nothing could prepare me for the shattering of my life💔. 

I knew something was up, i just couldnt put my finger on it. It has been 4 yrs of the same sh*t on and off and i kept trying to fix things.  Everytime i made a discovery we would 'work' through..  only to have the band aid ripped off and salt sprinkled on my wounds. 

I tried to cry, no tears would fall. I wanted to puke, but nothing came out.Thats when i knew, this was it. I poured my soul into a marriage, literally keeping it together by threads. I was done. I kept saying if it happens again,  im gone. Hopefully im strong enough to leave. Never easy to walk away, bit i promised myself id never stay in a marriage for the sake of kids. As harsh as it might sound but they suffer more when we stick around in a toxic marriage.

I told him i want a divorce.

What broke me is when he said "over messages" implying that it ment nothing..it wasnt just messages, it was the commitment to another female, the effort put in evn during busy hours to communicate, .whereas my calls get cut, msgs stay on read, questions get ignored. He laid in my bed, sat next to me and was chatting intimately to this woman. everytime i called him out on his behaviour, he acted shocked as if im the one that hurt him, saying i dont jnow wat hes going through. 😑 gosh, seriously??

I think iv given him a fair share of chances, he wont give me a divorce,  said if i want to go, i should go ahead💔. 

If i dont leave i know mentally i will not survive, the constant doubt, constant questioning,  the constant tracking his every move, wanting to check his phone. Never being able to trust him because of repeated offences. I want him to want to fix things, but hes just not interested.  So who am i actually fooling 🤌

I have no idea what will happen next, but 1 thing is for sure.. itll not be another miserable year for me💖 I know i deserve better