Breakup: Tips from RF Community!

@ouiCherie

I like texting much better than calling as I feel highly uncomfortable while listening to the other person's voice. While texting, I can do whatever I want to. It makes me feel safe.

For anyone who is going through a breakup, I am sorry that they are going through this painful phase. One tip from my side would be to never ever become harsh on oneself and treating onself with kindness. It becomes really hard to do that during such a time but it's really very important as I don't want anyone to lose oneself completely.

@ouiCherie

Hello, the session was very nice I think you did a great job as a hoster. As you tagged me I will try to add something.

First I would like to make clear that tips wont be usefull for most people, as suggestions and advices arent either. Many factors are different from person to person, and that makes situations totally different. Let me list some of those factors who make each of ourselves unique:

- Our goals after the breakup. Some may want to forget, others to keep contact, others have children involved, some were hurt someway, others jugded by their families, some have hate, others have fear, others feel they were not enougth and have depression, for others the experience could be difficult to understand. Some may be alone now, others have a friend group support them, others are blamed by those same ex-friends that now support the other person.... some may have medical or mental conditions, some may have economical dependence... and the list goes and goes.

With that in mind, I share some general tips. Could be usefull for some people and not for others:

1- Move first, talk second. This reffers to stay safe, protect your valuables, protect your kids (if that is the case). Being over protective may prove to be better than the contrary. The Breakup may affect your partner in an unknown way that show parts of them that were difficult to predict. Things could be easy and civilizate, or all the other way. With violence, shouts, breaking things. So I recomend move first, be secure, then do the potentially dangerous activity that is breaking up.

2- If you think talking wont be a good idea (maybe its easy going from talking to shouting, to blaming... maybe its difficult because manipulation is there, for whatever reason) then text or record audios. Try to be assertive, this is to keep your boundaries and be clear, but dont hurt, insult, blame the other person. The relation is already over, you probably dont need an enemy in your life.

3- If you think that person may keep calling you, trying to reach you, manipulate your friends, work enviroment, etc... It could be important to have a talk with family, friends, co-workers, changing your phone or in some cases even have some safety plan. It is better to have a plan and not need it, that need a plan and dont having it.

4- Try to do selfcare activities in a serious way. This are things like sleep well, eat healthy, doing sports and exercices at home, mindfullness to be aware of the tougths and feelings that are coming to you, keep a diary, stay in social contact with people you trust and may support you.

5- Accept things like they are, not like you wanted them to be. Focus on facts, not on words, not in desires. Try to get an accurate picture of yourself and your goals for the future. Human brain filters reality with emotions. So angry people will select thougths that make them more angry. That same person when is sad will filter thoughts that make them more sad, and so on.

6- If you spoted areas of oportunity in yourself, think if you may work on them. If you had problems being assertive, or understanding the other person, or respecting their limits, or stablishing your limits or whatever... you may want to work on that. We often thing in love af 2 puzzle pieces that will match magically. Like we just need to wait untill our other half magically appears, and we just need to be ourselves.... But its not the case. If we lack confidence, that problem will be taken to the next relationship. If we lack communication skills, understanding, emotional control, if we are jealous, manipulative,... all our problems wont be fixed by the other half. They will be in the next relationship, It will be with our children (if we have them), with our co-workers, friends and so on. So yes, it may be a good time to invest in yourself as a human being. The other person had even more problems? Fine, that is their responsability not yours anymore.

7- Try to know what you want in your future. What ressonates with you, with your inner values, what makes your eyes shine, what would you like be doing. After a breakup its a very good time to set goals, to find the rigth path for you. Once you are in the rigth path and you are able to love and respect yourself, it may be time to allow someone to share their life with you.

I hope that some of this may be of any help.

Hugs.

Texting or calling?

It depends.

What do you want to achieve? Is it "I can't live without you"? Or "you will be sorry for the rest of your live"? Try to stick to neutral facts. Like arrangements that need to be taken (split assets, how will we both continue taking care of the kids, et cetera).

It might be a good idea, especially when there are kids involved, and things got a bit heated, and there is quite a bit of pain and hurt, whether on one side or both sides, to consider couples counseling.

Couples counseling does NOT, as one might think, focus on "getting back together". It focuses on better communication. Everyone involved will benefit from better communication. It's like starting over, in a different kind of relationship, with a clean slate. Trying to resolve pain, hurt, resentment, anger. Trying to create mutual understanding (you can still disagree).

Be kind and gentle, to self first. If you can be kind and gentle to self, you automatically, without even thinking, will be kind and gentle to others.

Explore how you felt/started to feel in the relationship. Confront your true self (as in, listen to what your heart, not your mind) tells you about your role. There is wisdom there for you to take aboard. Don't dwell on the past, use it in the present.

Last but not least, don't look at it as a breakup. Nobody failed, no one is to blame. It is not a breakup, it is a different kind of relationship you will have (even if you move and will never hear from each other again, it is still a relationship. That is, if you loved unconditionally, as unconditional love always is, here and now. You can't unlove unconditional love.

Last but not least, don't look at it as a lost. It is a win, an opportunity to learn, become more aware, more self.

Sometimes it just does not work, and you might be grateful to the one who had the love to break up.

Sometimes you get so trapped in your mind, that you forgot what it is all about. And distance might help to connect with your true self again, and ditch all those hurtful thoughts and stories you ended up with. And you never can tell what clarity, space, feeling safe, might bring.....

Hello,

I am new here and this post resonates so much with my situation. I have a friend of 3 years recently display very toxic behavior towards me including screaming at me and intimidation. Some background would be that she is suffering from an undiagnosed autoimmune disorder and I have gone through great financial and emotional lengths to help and support her. I feel guilty about reaching the decision to end the friendship because at this point it feels like I’m being parasitized and I really don’t enjoy any contact with her. Ive been pulling away gradually but now see it’s best to let go. Because the relationship had toxic elements I’m ok planning to text my friend for my own mental safety. I see the way forward and letting go of this relationship is my best option.

@ouiCherie

Thank you.

I have been through heartbreaks in my life. It's tough. I guess the best advice will be: be kinder to yourself than usual. It takes time to heal. But it'll get better.