Breakup due to mental illness
I'm still struggling so much with the breakup I'm doing through. We were together 7 months, and have been split for about a month now. I broke things off because I realized I am very codependent, and don't love myself. I have a lot of trauma and illness to work through and being in a relationship was too much for me to handle. I feel like I'm drowning constantly. I love him so much though and I wish we could just be together. He wants to be together now, but I feel like everyone deserves to be with someone who loves themselves as much as they love their partner-- and I just have such a lack of self love. I don't even know who I am. I wish I was a better person than I am and could be stronger than I am. I feel like I've betrayed him and have messed up so bad. To know that he has been hurt because of me is almost too much to handle. I just need to love myself but it's so hard. I wish I could be the amazing girl I know he deserves. I just want to be happy, but I know that happiness comes from within. I feel like I have this mountain to overcome ahead of me, and feeling the pain of heartbreak and not being able to be a good partner just feels so defeating. I betrayed him and I feel like I'll never be able to forgive myself. I'm just so tired of feeling this pain. He's the most amazing man I have ever met, but I pushed him away. I just feel devastated.
@ILoveMyCatButtons
Hey there,
I'm so sorry to hear that you're in this painful state of mind. It's really tough when you feel like you're doing the right thing by keeping someone else's best interests at heart, but at the cost of having to remove yourself from their lives in some form or fashion.
You know, an interesting idea that seems to be finally fading away is that in order to love someone, you have to love yourself first. It does sound like solid advice, until you take into account that there are some people who can't exactly love anything because they don't get the concept yet.
Here's an excerpt from an article that first introduced me to this idea:
"There is a psychological myth going around that you have to love yourself before someone else can love you. The real truth is that many people learn to love themselves by first being loved by another.
...Appropriate affection from another person may be the magic touch you need to actually believe that you are loveable. When someone you admire gives his or her heart to you, it makes you feel cherished and in turn you learn to love yourself.
I know a number of people who were only able to develop self-love after someone who made them feel worthwhile came into their lives. For many, this love blossomed into a healthy and lifelong relationship. For others, it was an experience that put them on a path to finding their true purpose in life.
In many support groups, one of the things that helps a person to recover is that the group loves the individual until he or she can love themselves."
- Barton Goldsmith, Ph. D
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-fitness/201001/you-dont-need-love-yourself-first
In the end, you are who knows yourself best, and if you feel that in this moment, it is not the right time to be in a relationship, then honoring that is a path towards your healing. However, if this person really is as special to you as you feel, then he might respect the fact that you aren't able to be in a relationship right now, but could be a great source of support and love for you during this tough time.
Please don't feel pressured to make any decisions right now. It's hard enough to think when you're feeling low and out for the count. But please know, you could be broken into a million little pieces, and you would still deserve all the love in this world <3
@ILoveMyCatButtons
i hope you are ok
would be really interested to speak to you as I have experienced this but from the other angle where he left me because of his depression
@agreeableTortoise1748 I'm so sorry to hear that, what happened?
@ILoveMyCatButtons
We were together for a couple years, I knew he had depression from years before we met because of the loss of a parent in really bad circs (he never dealt with it and suppressed all his emotions). Anyway we got together and for the best part of the relationship he could never work out what he wanted, one foot in one foot out, and eventually I snapped and had a mini breakdown myself. We agreed to wipe the slate clean and start over. Until a few weeks ago when he randomly broke up with me and said to me that he feels it is me who caused his depression, and that he is not in love with me anymore (side note - all the while, he had been planning our future and was telling me we would be engaged by end of the year, and that he loved me so much, etc). I would be interested in getting your opinion on this - or can we take it offline and chat elsewhere?
@agreeableTortoise1748 this happened to me recently as well. We knew eachother for 6 months and dated for 3. The first 2 months were great, but the 3rd month is where it changed. It's like she was a completely different person. I'd see glimpses of her old, happy self in the 3rd month but that would be kicked out the door by her depression and anxiety in a matter of seconds.
She started getting emotionally distant and at times wouldn't even sit next to me. Eventually her meds were doubled because of how bad her headspace was getting. 2 weeks ago she decided to pull the pin and break up with me. She said she needed to figure out her mental health and a relationship is not what she needs. There were nights where she'd just wake up out of nowhere and breakdown because she didn't want to lose me (confusing right? I guess that's mental health).
1 week ago I decided to put my heartbreak and feelings aside and check in on her. That was by far the hardest thing to do because your heart is clinging on to the smallest bit of hope and that "hey! Maybe they will say they're fine and we can start where we left off". On top of that all your feelings hit you like a tonne of bricks as you take yourself out of heartbreak and into a headspace of maturity and care.
So my plan now is to let time take its place (I guess it's all you can do). As hard as this is, if she loved me and cherrished what we had, she will reach out when ready. I guess that applies to all of us right? I duno.
@resourcefulCamp8578
sorry to hear you're going through this but these seem really similar circs to me. I tried to reach out and he hasn't replied to me, so l guess I'm going to leave it now. This has been the longest time we haven't spoken. I've read that usually people regret it and come back, but l have no idea. All l know is he seems to blame me for everything (maybe it was easier this way?) but same time was telling me he loved me just before he said he didn't?! Mind keeps going over and over and l can't make sense of any of it
@agreeableTortoise1748 we'll both find out eventually! Time will tell if what we both had with our partners meant something or not. If you need to talk, feel free to comment on this forum and I can give you my email or something. All the best and I hope he replies to you.
@resourcefulCamp8578
sure let's keep in touch let me know your email
@agreeableTortoise1748 no worries at all, it is midnightmanic@outlook.com