Confrontation that turned physical

@TurtlePaws85 - That's a really difficult situation to be in. My brain has logic breaks when people shut down and I start to act not like myself and have urges and want to lash out - so I feel you. I think it is awesome you want to have a conversation with him about this. Just go to him in person and say something like, "I feel awful about what happened last time and I want to apologize for my part in it. I shouldn't have [things you feel bad for]. What would have been better is if [possible alternatives to what you did]. But regardless, I want to try to find a way to move past that - if you can. I forgive you, will you forgive me? Can we sit down and talk about this? I love you." Or something to that effect. Ultimately we cannot control someone else's actions or reactions, so if he is not ready to move past this or talk about it at this time, that is his decision and that's okay. We are only human.

For you, consider, what about noncommunicatoin frustrates you so much? For example, maybe you feel unheard so lashing out seems illogically like the only option to be heard, but that's just an example. What other things cause you to have lashing out urges? When was the first time you lashed out like this, and what were those circumstances? Of course I can only speak for myself, but these are good things to makes lists about. Consider, what could he do to better help you cope with his shutting down habit, or what could he do besides shutting down that will help you? Are there any compromises you and he could make when things get this tense in the future, like agreeing to be in separate rooms for five minutes and then giving the conversation another try or similar? What could you do better to try to get a handle on your urges to lash out when other people aren't communicating? Just be patient with yourself as you try to figure it out.

Same for him! For him, he may want to consider, what circumstances commonly cause him to shut down like that? When was the first time he shut down in his life that he recalls and what were the circumstances around that? For example, it's possible he had a lot of people yelling at him in his childhood and disassociating was the only coping method he had growing up, so maybe he just doesn't know how to be himself when he feels at fault or is in a tense situation - but that's just one example. What feelings or thoughts does he have most often when he reacts this way? What other things does he think he can do besides shutting down if possible? What does he need from you when he shuts down to cope better or get out of that silent place? He also deserves to be patient with himself as he figures it out.

Any awareness we can shine on ourselves can help us understand others more fully. We are human and it is okay to have feelings and urges and feel uncomfortable about things. It's how we react to those urges and habits that affects our future. It's never too late to try to change those habits - especially with awareness and open communication. We're always learning about ourselves. I know I am.

Remember, if this becomes a truly toxic habit between the two of you and attempts at open communication have been made repeatedly, it's okay to seek another partner, or take a break from the relationship for a time. Always seek what is in the best interest of your own well-being. <3

@TurtlePaws85

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. Theres a few things I would like to point out;

So about a month ago, my then boyfriend and I got into an argument. (The fact theres an argument probably means both people are having a hard time communicating and having communication issues, so this is an important area) It got pretty heated and he started to shut down. Wouldn't talk or tell me anything. (It sounds like he couldn't properly communicate with you, a lot of people had their feelings minimized and invalidated so as adults they will tend to shut down out of fear and hurt, its also a coping mechanimsm they use and how they grew up handling things) He told me to leave but the fact that he was shutting me out yet again enraged me. (In here he wanted space away from you so he sabotaged things, but it made you feel separation anxiety so it caused you to lose emotional self control. You both started to triggered each other) I wanted answers because I had no intentions of going back. (In here you felt disconnection, wanted closeness in a way, was focused on soothing the anxiety so it prompt you to get answered here, its part of losing emotional self control) I followed him into the house and when I was in the doorway he told me to leave again. When I said no, (I could understand how frustrating it is when he is behaving this way, but in here you were not listening to what he wanted which for you to leave as in wanting space) . he slammed the door on my foot over and over again about 5-6 times. (This is very rude and disrespecrful of him, these are signs of abusive traits, not cool of him). He grabbed me by my arms and squeezed pretty hard and started to push and shake me. (He totally lost complete emotional self control, at this point he shouldn't be in a relationship. He seems to have anger problems, not emotionally ready to be on a relationship) I reacted by pushing him and yelling "don't f***king touch me!!" I shoved him hard against the wall. I don't know if he slipped or if I pushed him hard enough but he hit the wall and slid down to the floor, hitting some boxes. (This is starting to sound like a relationship thats too toxic and unhealthy, you both have unresolved issues, there's a lot of childhood trauma between the two of you, things got too physical between the two of you) We argued some more and I eventually left. Now my question is...looking forward...and trying to see if we can work through our problems...how do I get past that? (If you both don't see a professional therapist then theres 0% chance of these ever working out. Theres no way you two can work this out by yourselves. You are both triggering each other constantly, this relationship its too unhealthy and toxic at this moment) I've never been in a situation like that. I'm just as much to blame as he is. I'm not making excuses for him. How do we work past that? What can we do? Is there even anything we can do? Any thoughts or suggestions would be great.